#1
c4c.


I sat on the middle cushion
she on the right;
taking comfort in each other
and the apple-print couch that outlived the seventies.
She was wearing her favorite t-shirt;
the one that had white block letters
that had "Mission Accomplished" sprawled
across her chest, but no one could ever read it
because her left boob is bigger than her right
and half of the letters got stuck in between
lopsided mountains.

She leaned over to me and mumbled about
not being ready for me yet.
"I just need to clean... once I've cleaned
nothing will keep us apart."

I left for two hours.
Drove places,
thought of things like
proportional boobs and
girls that didn't need me to
leave every hour.

I pushed open the door.
"I just need to get some work done here...
once I've got some work done nothing will
keep us apart."

I went away for more hours.
Jogged behind girls with cute asses at the park,
made small talk about how cute their dogs were
and how lovely the weather is.
I dreamed about a girl that would jog with me.

I kicked the door open.
"I just need some alone time to gather myself...
once I'm gathered nothing will
keep us apart."

I wandered around.
Went to the bar with some friends and
dropped bad pickup lines on drunk girls
that wanted me to hang out and asked me to
climb trees with them.

She called.
"I'm ready now. I've done everything for the day."
I clicked my phone shut and giggled. I was climbing apple trees;
and Johnny Appleseed never waited for his woman.

#2
I'm definitely liking your stuff more and more. I remember there was a point in the past where I felt you'd have good imagery, but I couldn't really connect with the piece, or vice versa. I think you are much better at creating a narrative here, while still maintaining good imagery throughout. I loved the repetition, and it kept me reading, because I wanted to see where it was going.

The ending made me a tad sad, but I'm a romantic.

Good stuff, I don't really have any qualms I can think of, but if do I'll be back.
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


I sat on the middle cushion
she on the right;
taking comfort in each other
and the apple-print couch that outlived the seventies. Descriptive, great imagery, and not broing. A nice introduction. Straight away we have a clear picutre.
She was wearing her favorite t-shirt;
the one that had white block letters
that read "Mission Accomplished" sprawled
across her chest, but no one could ever read it
because her left boob is bigger than her right
and half of the letters got stuck in between
lopsided mountains. haha, i liked this. just the really clear concise imagery, and the idea of ehr having one boob bigger than the other. classic.

She leaned over to me and mumbled about
not being ready for me yet.
"I just need to clean... once I've cleaned
nothing will keep us apart."

I left for two hours.
Drove places,
thought of things like
proportional boobs and
girls that didn't need me to
leave every hour. While this isn't incredibly interesting, i have the sense that its building on something, again the imagery is very good.

I pushed open the door.
"I just need to get some work done here...
once I've got some work done nothing will
keep us apart."

I went away for more hours.
Jogged behind girls with cute asses at the park,
made small talk about how cute their dogs were
and how lovely the weather is.
I dreamed about a girl that would jog with me. I love this stanza, starting to get more interesting now. Also, its starting to paint a picure of his mental landscape.

I kicked the door open. Pushed to kicked, somethings changing. Great subtle way to convey the emotion
"I just need some alone time to gather myself...
once I'm gathered nothing will
keep us apart."

I wandered around.
Went to the bar with some friends and
dropped bad pickup lines on drunk girls
that wanted me to hang out and asked me to
climb trees with them. Don't get the climbing trees, but still good.

She called.
"I'm ready now. I've done everything for the day."
I clicked my phone shut and giggled. I was climbing apple trees;
and Johnny Appleseed never waited for his woman. Good, he dumped her (or did he?) Good ending



A good piece. ice story, great imagery, clever idea. But it just didn't grab me. I enjoyed reading it, but i wouldn't read it again. i don't know, maybe its me. Oh, can you dorp in on Nighttime again, i'm on my third re-write and i think i might nearly have it. Cheers!
#4
This read at a brisk pace, partially because you have the refrain-ish part of you coming back to her, always spending four+ lines on it. That's not bad, but the intro counters against it. The word selection at the beginning is somewhat unfriendly to a fast pace (animal-print couch), and you didn't have the pop-per-line to take it slow (there's no reason the first two lines couldn't be combined to one. It's not that important to emphasis which side she's on). Ending lines on "sprawled" and "between" also asked for a slower pace, considering the line breaks.

The rest of the piece was fine. I particularly liked the "dreamed about a girl that would jog with me", and how you kicked the door open when you came back.

The last line of the piece wasn't really the kind of ending I would hope for. Just having the words "Johnny Appleseed" take it into the "long line" category, being long enough as it is, and I'd like to see something that continues to carry the brisk pace right out the door.

Still, a good read from beginning to end.
#5
I think that there could be a little bit more of a built up in the middle. It gets the point across and it's good, but it's a bit 'she said this, I did this', 'she said this, I did this'.

This was a great, great read. I enjoyed it immensely.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
first stanza reminded me of stellar_legs.

some of it feels a bit cluttered/unadventurous. i'll see if i can get back to this when i do others tonight.

great stuff though.
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
I think that there could be a little bit more of a built up in the middle. It gets the point across and it's good, but it's a bit 'she said this, I did this', 'she said this, I did this'.

This was a great, great read. I enjoyed it immensely.
It's a lot that. Too much so for my taste.

Opening every stanza that way gives it a conversational tone, but it also makes this dry.
I did enjoy the story in general. I'm imagining this in third-person.
Have you given any thought to doing it that way?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


I sat on the middle cushion
she on the right;
taking comfort in each other
and the apple-print couch that outlived the seventies. (outlived the 70's....thats groovy man)
She was wearing her favorite t-shirt;
the one that had white block letters
that read "Mission Accomplished" sprawled
("that read" and "sprawled" seems redundant and you apparently say the same thing twice. maybe change "that read" to with. it also eliminates you using "read" twice in 3 lines...even though the second one is read differently)
across her chest, but no one could ever read it
because her left boob is bigger than her right
and half of the letters got stuck in between
(tense change here. "get" stuck as opposed to "got" stuck")
lopsided mountains.

She leaned over to me and mumbled about
not being ready for me yet.
"I just need to clean... once I've cleaned
nothing will keep us apart."

I left for two hours.
Drove places,
thought of things like
proportional boobs and
girls that didn't need me to
leave every hour.
(HAHAHA, proportional boobs. f*ckin CLASSIC!

I pushed open the door.
"I just need to get some work done here...
once I've got some work done nothing will
keep us apart."
(I like the repetition here.)

I went away for more hours.
Jogged behind girls with cute asses at the park,
made small talk about how cute their dogs were
and how lovely the weather is.
I dreamed about a girl that would jog with me.
(Is dreamed even a word? isn't it dreamt?
...
*checks dictionary*
...
maybe it is a word. but dreamt sounds anyway IMO. or maybe not. i dont know)


I kicked the door open.
(i like how you're getting pissed now, kicking the door open as opposed to pushing it)
"I just need some alone time to gather myself...
once I'm gathered nothing will
keep us apart."
(Heh, this chick is getting on my nerves. But not in a bad way, if that makes any sense)

I wandered around.
Went to the bar with some friends and
(drop the" some". just feels an undeed filler word and cuts from the action)
dropped bad pickup lines on drunk girls
that wanted me to hang out and asked me to
(drop "asked me to"..."they wanted me to hang out and climb trees with them" sounds better and flows smoother)
climb trees with them.

She called.
"I'm ready now. I've done everything for the day."
I clicked my phone shut and giggled. I was climbing apple trees;
and Johnny Appleseed never waited for his woman.
(drop the "and". it'll end with MUCH more of a punch that way.)



I dug this. It was quirky and fun and people can totally relate to something like this. If I nitpick I'll agree with a few other comments here and say this was too much of a pronoun fest. It slowed down the action. I think this'll do better if it hit quicker. Jab-jab-jab right up until that knockout punch that's your last line. I'd even set the last line apart from the other stanzas to make it really stand out and deliver the final blow. BADA-BING!

Maybe you could also somehow set apart the parts where she's talking. In italics or something. It's subtle but it will kinda show that you two are coming from completely different places.

That's all I really have. You should totally do a piece about Davey Crocket next.
Last edited by Guns N Russians at Oct 8, 2008,
#9
While i was reading this, I just sat laughing. It's definitely great, really good job.
Really, only one thing caught my eye, just this sentence feels a little long.

I wandered around.
Went to the bar with some friends and
dropped bad pickup lines on drunk girls
that wanted me to hang out and asked me to
climb trees with them.

But that's all. Great story.
Check out mine if you get time.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=973553

-Austin
Last edited by WarriorKlan at Oct 8, 2008,
#10
something i've always noticed that has led me to a lack of criticisms on your pieces is how disconnected everything is. it isn't really the fact that you aren't a good writer, but a lot of what you post seems really awkward in how it progresses. this has a narrative tho' it just seems common place and the way you string it together is too abstract to provide any real relation. Randy works with this style because his words come off as blunt and honest every so often so there is some kind of relation to that level of his thought process. on here i don't get that.
#11
It seems like parts of it contradict other parts, as far as the flow goes. I liked the whole thing, but the only thing that bothered me was the constant "she"s and "I"s. There are other possibilities for those pronouns.
Daron. The Pit loves you.
daron aka kosmic is now a pit legend
Best post on the pit. Good for you.
thats pretty epic.
So you're like a slower paced Forrest Gump...
Yup...
#12
Nice. Not my favorite from you but still very enjoyable to read.
It was relatable but not believable ya know?
The storyline is good and all, the writing is great, and the repetition is used wonderfully, but for some reason i just don't believe the narrator. I relate to him, but it feels like im talking to a guy at a bar who is telling me a story of how he caught a twenty six inch walleye and i know he's bullshitting me because i just caught one the other day and his story doesn't match up with mine.
does that make any sense at all?
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


I sat on the middle cushion
she on the right;
taking comfort in each other
and the apple-print couch that outlived the seventies.
She was wearing her favorite t-shirt;
the one that had white block letters
that had "Mission Accomplished" sprawled
across her chest, but no one could ever read it
because her left boob is bigger than her right
and half of the letters got stuck in between
lopsided mountains.

Ah, this didn't appeal as much as your previous stuff but what i do get out of this is a calm and sentimental half-tale about to erupt.

She leaned over to me and mumbled about
not being ready for me yet.
"I just need to clean... once I've cleaned
nothing will keep us apart."

Meh, too vague.

I left for two hours.
Drove places,
thought of things like
proportional boobs and
girls that didn't need me to
leave every hour.

Nothing new or exiting here, nothing that really evoked an emotion, you're telling and not too much showing and that's probably why I'm feeling disconnected within the situation and awkwardness.

I pushed open the door.
"I just need to get some work done here...
once I've got some work done nothing will
keep us apart."


I went away for more hours.
Jogged behind girls with cute asses at the park,
made small talk about how cute their dogs were
and how lovely the weather is.
I dreamed about a girl that would jog with me.

You're now finally evoking some sort of pity for your character but again this didn't really say much more than a skin deep statement.

I kicked the door open.
"I just need some alone time to gather myself...
once I'm gathered nothing will
keep us apart."

I wandered around.
Went to the bar with some friends and
dropped bad pickup lines on drunk girls
that wanted me to hang out and asked me to
climb trees with them.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. I thought that the change of atmosphere was neat; from the bar to the tree. Everything here gives me, the reader, a sense of restlessness.

She called.
"I'm ready now. I've done everything for the day."
I clicked my phone shut and giggled. I was climbing apple trees;
and Johnny Appleseed never waited for his woman.

Nice, but it wasn't what i was expecting


I liked the repeated theme of continuity of individual lives before a relationship but i thought, in places, that you could have executed it better, you definitely have the potential. None the less this wasn't a bad read at all. Thanks for sharing, mate.