#1
she's my baby
she's my little girl
she's always somewhere
times she'll look
better than ever
and then she'll smell
twice as sweet
when I look
she lies waiting
after I blink
an alm of song
comes to me
an elegant little move
reach me now
a wisp in my room
a quick vision of her
freetime movement
I reach over
in my warm
lit-down place
and strike
a match
Last edited by parkt921k at Oct 8, 2008,
#2
The short line length hurt this. Firstly, there's no rule saying you have to capitalize the beginning of every line. In fact, it's strongly recommended that you don't. A common way to capitalize is at the beginning of sentences, if you choose that over periods. Because of the short sentences and the lack of help from capitalization and punctuation, the read has a tough time getting alot of flow and feeling from the lines.

"And then she'll smell / Twice as sweet"

That's a prime example. Not only does there not need to be another capital there, there doesn't need to be a line break. When you make the desicion to restrict all your lines to four syllables or so, it's like a straight jacket. Your piece had no room to breathe at all. Don't worry about flow for a bit. As a human being, you'll twist your sentences just enough to get a flow that makes sense, and you don't need to restrict yourself this much.

Content was okay, but it's more for a freeform environment.

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