#1
This is just something bouncing around in my hollow head...There's actually more to this, it's kinda like my other short story Interplanar Realm of the Imaginary...so expect to see a sequel to this...

c4c as always

enjoy



Tick tocks and beeps drown my ears and the black colors of dream
begin to slowly fade away. My body shivered in the cold room as I looked at the
doc who was digging around in my bowels. Numb to the pain, but able to feel the
scissors cut away at....

That reality quickly melted away to another world. I was ten again and to my
side was my best friend, Tommy.

"Hey, Lou, wanna see somethin' so freakin' cool,"
"Yeah, Yeah, what is it, man," I said, my eyes wide with excitement and Tommy
raced off with his bike. I ran after him. Sweaty and short of breath after a long hard
chase, Tommy finally stopped, letting me catch up.

"We'll walk from here," he said as he pulled a lantern from his backpack
"What's that for?"
"You'll see..." Tommy said tauntingly

And we walked and walked and walked some more. Up a hill through a ravine and
back up the hill again. Trudging through these perilous woods made my stomach
growl, but looking through the holes of the canopy made the trip worth while. The sky
was painted velvet and orange with the lights of the little town below speckling the earth.

But we kept moving along and Tommy lit the lantern. "We're here." He pointed to a
hole in the ground.

"What's in there, " I questioned.
"I think it's a cave. Wanna explore?"
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Oct 7, 2008,
#2
it's a small slice and it doesn't go very far. a little plain, but not unpleasant.


the opener was unnecessarily wordy.
The sounds of tick tocks and beeps drown my ears and the black colors of dream
They aren't the sounds of, those are the sounds themselves. Just start at Tick-tocks.


Sweaty and short breathed, Tommy finally stopped and letting me catch up.
I would have said short of breath, but nothing horrible about the way you said that.
On the other hand, and letting sucks ass.
either and let or (comma), letting.

i don't have anything up, so if this was worth anything to you, pass it on to a random.

cheers.
Meadows
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#3
I agree with SYKs opening line.
There's also a tense issue or two, just read it through and there are random problems you can fix to make it flow better and make more sense etc.
A sequel, however, as long as you fix this one up, would be worth it. This still needs the work though. If you want me to be specific ask but at the moment I'm just going to say that and let your mind do the work, you'll know what doesn't quite work
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Thanks guys, some corrections were made and then some....


SYK: Yeah, I know this piece is a little short and I wasn't tryin' to come off as plain....what I tried to do is build suspense between the reader and the story....

The idea was that the first paragraph should give off some kind of serious/dark feeling and then easing that feeling off with the rest of the piece with Lou's dream of his childhood past, that first paragraph becomes semi-oblivious to the reader, which I did intentionally...for lighter mood rather than coming in too strong for a start

DUHB: Yeah, I'll proofread the rest of my work...I'm sure I'll find a shit ton of mistakes
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!