#1
This is one of the first songs I ever wrote. I wrote it about two years ago.
C4C of course.

Not Today

Verse 1:

So in the wake of my mistakes
I find that I have been replaced
And as your memories of me start to fade away
My thoughts of you start to escalate
But then you come and start to complicate
I tell you lies, and you exagerrate
Every word you say to make me see
I'll never be who you want me to be
I gave that up when you gave up on me
But don't get me wrong, I'm not free yet
I'm just holding on to the hope that
You'll forgive me, and we'll be okay
Will my dreams come true? Not today

Chorus:

I start to break, then I fall apart
I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart
The fire in your eyes burns a hole
It burns right through, into my soul
Yet still I find I want you more
Than I've ever wanted anything else before
Will you ever forgive me? Is there a way?
Will you ever love me? Not today

Verse 2:

Is love just a figment of my imagination
Or simply another complication
In this tangled web of all the lies we speak
Are we searching for answers, or is it love we seek
We close out eyes, and see a pretty face
Then we think, it seems so out of place
In a world so full of fear and hate
Will I see that face? Not today

ChorusX1

Verse 3:

I saw you today, heard you say my name
I know things between us haven't been the same
Since I went and f*cked everything up again
I tried to be strong, always tried to pretend
That I was something I'm not, and have never been
And sometimes my actions, I just can't defend
I'm sorry I hurt you, what more can I say?
But I'll never desert you, at leasnt not today

ChorusX1

Verse 4:

And now I'm burning in my own hell
Waiting for someone to save me from myself
But what can I do when my skin is a lie
I keep waiting for you, but I don't know why
You never trusted in me, so why do I trust you
Maybe its to make up for what I put you through
The choice I have to make, is whether to move on
Or give in to the urge to right my wrongs
Will I keep thinking of you? Will this ever change?
Will the pain go away? Not today

ChorusX2

-------------------------------------
There you have it. Rip it apart.
#2
Overall, I like it. Sure, its a generic concept, but that doesn't really subtract from the piece. I did notice a bit of forced rhyming, but nothing too bad. I like how each stanza can be talking about a different aspect of the theme, but always close with the "not today" fitting in very neatly, it never feels out of place. If you thought this was helpful, heres my latest piece:

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=973444
Eschquipment:
Epiphone SG400
Peavy Vypr 30 watt
Dean Vendetta XM

and thats about it...
#3
alot better than mine, haha.
I love the chorus
Fender Special Edition Custom Telecaster FMT HH in Crimson Red
Reverend Sensei HB FM in Tobacco Burst
Fender Vintage C Neck, HH, Surf Green Nitrocellulose (Handmade)

Egnater Rebel-30 MKI Head
Egnater Tourmaster Series 412B 280W 4x12 Cabinet
#4
well first of all i thank you for checking out my work.
This song really flows well, i do admit sometimes it can get cliche but its on the topic of love, how do you not get cliche? my work was cliche too so its ight.
i do like the chorus, i think it is by far the best part of the song, i wouldnt change any part of the song, great work overall 5/5 in my opinion. good job and thx again for looking at my work
Quote by Jackolas
You are my favorite August 08er, sir!


One day, when the time has come,
The truth will shine, we'll never run.
We both know just how feel,
I'm praying to god that this is real.
#5
Quote by --LP--
This is one of the first songs I ever wrote. I wrote it about two years ago.
C4C of course.

Not Today

Verse 1:

So in the wake of my mistakes
I find that I have been replaced
And as your memories of me start to fade away
My thoughts of you start to escalate
But then you come and start to complicate
I tell you lies, and you exagerrate
Every word you say to make me see
I'll never be who you want me to be
I gave that up when you gave up on me
But don't get me wrong, I'm not free yet
I'm just holding on to the hope that
You'll forgive me, and we'll be okay
Will my dreams come true? Not today
It's pretty good, but it doesn't sound like it should be an intro. You need something catchy, attention grabbing, or something that really sets the mood.
Chorus:

I start to break, then I fall apart
I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart
The fire in your eyes burns a hole
It burns right through, into my soul
Yet still I find I want you more
Than I've ever wanted anything else before
Will you ever forgive me? Is there a way?
Will you ever love me? Not today
I like this. The only thing to change is the line "It burns right through, into my soul" . It just seems to lose the rhythm. I think it would sound better as "It burns not the body, but the soul" or something like that. Other than that though, it's good.
Verse 2:

Is love just a figment of my imagination
Or simply another complication
In this tangled web of all the lies we speak
Are we searching for answers, or is it love we seek
We close out eyes, and see a pretty face
Then we think, it seems so out of place
In a world so full of fear and hate
Will I see that face? Not today
I like this too. It really makes it's point, but doesn't dwell on each individual idea for too long.
ChorusX1

Verse 3:

I saw you today, heard you say my name
I know things between us haven't been the same
Since I went and f*cked everything up again
I tried to be strong, always tried to pretend
That I was something I'm not, and have never been
And sometimes my actions, I just can't defend
I'm sorry I hurt you, what more can I say?
But I'll never desert you, at leasnt not today
This is getting really good. This part kind of seems to bring a power to it, and it uses the "not today' line a little differently than the rest.
ChorusX1
This seems like it's about the time for a bridge or breakdown instead of a chorus; the rhythm was comfortable, but now it's getting a little too repetitive.
Verse 4:

And now I'm burning in my own hell
Waiting for someone to save me from myself
But what can I do when my skin is a lie
I keep waiting for you, but I don't know why
You never trusted in me, so why do I trust you
Maybe its to make up for what I put you through
The choice I have to make, is whether to move on
Or give in to the urge to right my wrongs
Will I keep thinking of you? Will this ever change?
Will the pain go away? Not today
This part is great. I personally think it should be done yelling, or at least louder than the rest, because like I said, this rhythm seems to be getting a little too repetitive.
ChorusX2

-------------------------------------
There you have it. Rip it apart.

The writing itself is spectacular, and the rhythm is nice for awhile, but like I said, it seems to get repetitive; you're going to need a bridge, because a breakdown would just slow the rhythm even more unless done exactly right. As far as crit4crit, just pick one from my sig, preferably Circuit, but either one works.
#7
It is very good. And from your name, --LP-- I assume you like/liked Linkin Park. When you like a band your writing will sometimes reflect a certain style. I thought it sounded like something Linkin Park might do. And that's not in a negative way. Very good.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#8
I'm not as high on this as everyone else seems to be.
I can definitely tell you wrote this 2 years ago and that it was one of your first songs when I look at the other songs in your sig.
You spelled exaggerate wrong in the 1st verse (not that it matters much haha)
Overall it was too wordy and unfocused for me to get into.
It isn't bad, but the ideas are too diluted to make an impact and the cliches do take away from it a bit.
Also, this song would be soooo long. And with no bridge, that could be a problem.
2.5/5

care to take a look at one of mine?
they're in my sig
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#9
Quote by --LP--

Verse 1:

So in the wake of my mistakes
I find that I have been replaced
And as your memories of me start to fade away
My thoughts of you start to escalate
But then you come and start to complicate
I tell you lies, and you exaggerate
Every word you say to make me see
I'll never be who you want me to be
I gave that up when you gave up on me
But don't get me wrong, I'm not free yet
I'm just holding on to the hope that
You'll forgive me, and we'll be okay
Will my dreams come true? Not today

Chorus:

I start to break, then I fall apart
I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart
The fire in your eyes burns a hole
It burns right through, into my soul
Yet still I find I want you more
Than I've ever wanted anything else before
Will you ever forgive me? Is there a way?
Will you ever love me? Not today

Try not to use "burn" twice in a row. Use a synonym to keep from being redundant.

Verse 2:

Is love just a figment of my imagination
Or simply another complication
In this tangled web of all the lies we speak
Are we searching for answers, or is it love we seek
We close out eyes, and see a pretty face
Then we think, it seems so out of place
In a world so full of fear and hate
Will I see that face? Not today

ChorusX1

Verse 3:

I saw you today, heard you say my name
I know things between us haven't been the same
Since I went and f*cked everything up again
I tried to be strong, always tried to pretend
That I was something I'm not, and have never been
And sometimes my actions, I just can't defend
I'm sorry I hurt you, what more can I say?
But I'll never desert you, at leasnt not today

ChorusX1

Verse 4:

And now I'm burning in my own hell
Waiting for someone to save me from myself
But what can I do when my skin is a lie
I keep waiting for you, but I don't know why
You never trusted in me, so why do I trust you
Maybe its to make up for what I put you through
The choice I have to make, is whether to move on
Or give in to the urge to right my wrongs
Will I keep thinking of you? Will this ever change?
Will the pain go away? Not today

ChorusX2

The last verse and last couple chorus repeats draw the song out too long. By the time your third chorus is over, the listener will get bored/annoyed if there's still another verse and two choruses left to go. Take the fourth verse and last chorus out, and if you want to add anything else, throw in a bridge or a solo somewhere.



I've bolded unnecessary words in the quote. You can take these out to give your rhyme structure even and keep from overcrowding the listener. I sort of agree with rebelmidget; there's far too many words to stay focused and keep the song from getting boring. Unless you rap the verses like Mike Shinoda, you'll be out of breath and your audience will get confused and bored. Your writing style is good, but a bit cliche, and I see too much Linkin Park influence. (They certainly aren't bad, but this sounds just like a Linkin Park song would.)

Please look at the song in my sig, if you wish.