#1
In One Frost Covered Breath


V.1
In one frost covered breath
In the midst of a December
Who's Ice steadily standing is
Swiftly off with the gentle winter

As like an oasis of warm ice
Fading into mist, fog then cloud
Is a cold citizen's life
Shaking terribly with no house

CH.
I've witnessed the hearts that went wrong
And I've experienced the pain of what you saw
As the moon rises up when you cannot see (Or...When you feel the moon rise when you don't believe)
I'll be there for every time you breathe

V.2
Most hearts assume
This Anguish comes with an ease
As if disaster on the news
Is just a mug of tea to sleep

So In one frost covered breath
you'll be staring over the edge
With feelings of awe to inspire
Set forth From One friend to thousands set ahead


This is the first christian song I've done in a while so I was just wanting some feedback. I know the last verse isn't that good but I'm still working on it.
c4c

Thanks - Austin
Last edited by WarriorKlan at Oct 7, 2008,
#3
I'd say use "When you feel the moon rise when you don't believe". It flows more.

Also, I'd say try something other than "Is just a mug of tea to sleep", because it conflicts with the mood set by the rest of the lyrics. But I think the imagery you use is great and conveys what you wanted it to.

Can you look at mine? I'm getting mixed views about it... the link is in my sig. Please and thank you!
#4
The main problem I see with this is a lack of correlation between chorus and verses in terms of message. The imagery is decent, if not a little over done, but the message is lost. I got so caught up in: Ice, breathe, Oasis, Breathe, Friend?, Breathe...

You get what I mean. I didn't feel the idea flowing down hill, but instead found it to be a bit like a rock in a hillside of imagery. It just sort of stuck in there as the chorus. Needs to be a bit more streamlined.

The other problem with this was the borderline cliche, but definitely boring approach it took to presenting things. There was nothing edgy about this... it was a safe approach to a subject that has been taclked before. There was nothing exceedingly original or new about htis, which makes it seems a bit contrived. It needs to be a bit more "from the heart" to be believable for me. The tone was some what metallic in this, which probably gives that impression much more strongly than you'd hoped.

If you have any questions, PM me.

-zC