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#1
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29871

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital removed a living eight-pound man from the confines of an area woman's vagina Monday.


The unusually small man, who has refused to identify himself or give a reason for his presence in the vagina, was extremely disoriented throughout the incident, and, according to eyewitnesses, was "nude and covered in blood and gore." Though the man strenuously resisted rescue attempts, screaming and kicking wildly at medical personnel, he has not yet been charged with any crime.


The woman, Ruth Hessman, a 33-year-old systems analyst from nearby Plovis, was admitted to Veteran's Memorial Hospital late Sunday night complaining of strange, repeated abdominal pains and contractions occurring at regular intervals. When the painful episodes were five minutes apart, her husband drove her to the hospital.


"We get all kinds of strange things here in the emergency unit," said Dr. Carlos Mendoza, a surgeon at Veteran's General, "but this was something new. At first glance, Mrs. Hessman appeared to be obese, but upon closer examination, it became apparent that she was actually suffering from severe abdominal distension. After she described her painful symptoms, we conducted an examination of her vagina. Imagine our shock and surprise when we discovered that there, looking back at us, was a tiny human head.
"

After overcoming their initial shock, doctors discovered that the grotesque miniature head belonged to a small man. The attending physicians performed emergency surgery to forcibly remove him, and notified local police.


"At this time, we have no idea how this man came to be situated within the woman's vagina, or what motivation he might have had for being there," said Albuquerque police chief Burke Manning. "His dazed state, public defecating and lack of clothing suggest that he is a mentally ill homeless man who was seeking shelter. Yet it's hard to believe that someone so feeble and mentally disturbed would be capable of such an intrusion. We have not ruled out the possibility that he had help.
"

Manning is advising Albuquerque residents to stay calm. "This is likely an isolated event," he said. "But we are nevertheless considering conducting a search of all area vaginas to see if any more small, naked men are on the prowl.
"

The eight-pound man has thus far refused to cooperate with police, responding to all questions with strange gurgling noises. He is also prone to sudden, violent mood swings, resting peacefully one moment and wailing uncontrollably the next. Adding to the difficulty of establishing the man's identity is his almost complete lack of fingerprints and teeth, making a match with federal records impossible.


"This man seems to have undergone some sort of massive trauma within the last 24 hours which has, in effect, wiped his memory clean and turned his mind into a blank slate," Mendoza said. "To be honest, this case couldn't be any weirder if a stork had dropped him out of the sky.
"

haha
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

Last edited by shakin'cakes at Oct 8, 2008,
#2
source?
Abbreviated version:
Quote by Lots of People

Quote by :.FireStorm.:
+1 Maus24

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#3
Bullshit.

EDIT: I feel a lot better knowing that this is from The Onion. Out of context, this story is ****ing bizarre.
Last edited by I_hate_kyle at Oct 8, 2008,
#6
Obviously it's bullshit.
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#7
I got it off a myspace bullitin from one of my friends, I'll try looking for the source on google.
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#8
maybe she was just pregnant?
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#9
It's a baby, dipshits.

Also, TS, if you did in fact write that, it should be uterus, not vagina. Get your female anatomy straight. Tits on a whale.
kill all humans
#10
what the ****
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#11
...What the hell?

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#13
Quote by shakin'cakes
I got it off a myspace bullitin from one of my friends, I'll try looking for the source on google.


well then its clearly a joke aiming to trick people lol she was pregnant and had a baby
read the article everything is describing a baby
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Quote by dehollister

and im 14 got any problems ill f*ckin drop you.


HE'LL DO IT

Quote by Kensai
Spooni_Shaq is the best UGer ever, period
#14
Quote by alaskan_ninja
It's a baby, dipshits.

Also, TS, if you did in fact write that, it should be uterus, not vagina. Get your female anatomy straight. Tits on a whale.


I didn't write this, I just posted the source in original post
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#15
Aaah, I get it!
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#16
Quote by shakin'cakes
I didn't write this, I just posted the source in original post


Well the Onion writers obviously failed anatomy.
kill all humans
#18
IT SAYS THE ONION AT THE TOP!

If you don't know what the Onion is, or what Satire is, GTFO the internets.
Also, the Onion is really, really not that funny.
Spiral Out
#19
Quote by lpmarshall
its the ****in onion


Is it some trick?

If it is, it's one hell of a funny trick

Quote by HumanitysDeath
IT SAYS THE ONION AT THE TOP!

If you don't know what the Onion is, or what Satire is, GTFO the internets.
Also, the Onion is really, really not that funny.


I'm from sweden dipshit, expect me to know every news article in the US
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#20
Wow. What an interesting take on childbirth. Kind of cool.

I thought it was a real man for a few minutes.
XIAOXI
#21
It's from the freakin' Onion. Of course it's fake. Learn2read.
<Han> I love Hitler
#22
Quote by HumanitysDeath
IT SAYS THE ONION AT THE TOP!

If you don't know what the Onion is, or what Satire is, GTFO the internets.
Also, the Onion is really, really not that funny.

Not until it was edited, chill out.
Abbreviated version:
Quote by Lots of People

Quote by :.FireStorm.:
+1 Maus24

:.FireStorm.: - #15 poster in the thread, #1 in my heart.

o _o
/###############
|###############
\###############

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pm C.C. Deville to join
#24
Quote by Gmp
is this real? link to news article.


Fail.

Quote by imdeth
This can't be real


Fail.

Obviously it's bullshit.

Fail.

Quote by shakin'cakes
I'll try looking for the source on google.


Fail.

Quote by Spooni_Shaq
maybe she was just pregnant?


Fail.

Quote by alaskan_ninja
It's a baby, dipshits.

Also, TS, if you did in fact write that, it should be uterus, not vagina. Get your female anatomy straight. Tits on a whale.


Double fail.

Quote by Teen Spirit
what the ****


Fail.

Quote by ub3r_bassist666
...What the hell?


Fail.

Quote by Spooni_Shaq
well then its clearly a joke aiming to trick people lol she was pregnant and had a baby
read the article everything is describing a baby


Fail.

Quote by shakin'cakes
I'm from sweden dipshit, expect me to know every news article in the US


Super-deluxe fail.

That about wraps it up. You can read the headline and immediately conclude that it's from The Onion.
You're*
#25
It's from the Onion +1

Also, I think it's a shot about all the people who say we shouldn't teach sex ed in school, because then we get doctors who know shit about pregnancy.

funny tho
#26
Quote by Survivalism


Super-deluxe fail.

That about wraps it up. You can read the headline and immediately conclude that it's from The Onion.


Because I'm definately from the US and have seen the Onion before . GTFO, you have no idea how self-centered you're making america sound right now.
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#27
Quote by shakin'cakes
Because I'm definately from the US and have seen the Onion before . GTFO, you have no idea how self-centered you're making america sound right now.


I fail to understand how being from Sweden means you can't go to a website.
You're*
#28
Everyone is saying it's totally bullshit, just look at the link

Edit: Curse you and your intellectual ways, Survivalism.

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MUFC


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Berserker.
#29
Quote by shakin'cakes
I'm from sweden dipshit, expect me to know every news article in the US

First, no, I don't have such expectations. I definitely don't figure you're reading the Colubmia Daily Tribune just as I am. But I hope for some common sense in people. That's all.

Plus, I'm pretty sure The Onion started as an online 'satire-news' website.

And lastly; this is the Pit. If you don't do some research before posting something ridiculously stupid like this. Seriously kids, GOOGLE DOES WONDERS.

Forgive me, I'm in a very unpleasant mood. And what better way to insult people than from behind a computer screen and an internet pseudonym.
Spiral Out
#30
Quote by Survivalism
I fail to understand how being from Sweden means you can't go to a website.


Well it is an American article. Like every person in Sweden outta know what it is..
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#31
Quote by Zero-Hartman
Edit: Curse you and your intellectual ways, Survivalism.


I'm just goofin'. I guess The Onion is just something you have to "get."

For proof of this, see the post directly above mine.
You're*
#32
Quote by slafoo
Definately a joke right?

If it isn't, I'd gladly volunteer to help.

Edit: ^ Haha, indeed.

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#33
Quote by HumanitysDeath
First, no, I don't have such expectations. I definitely don't figure you're reading the Colubmia Daily Tribune just as I am. But I hope for some common sense in people. That's all.

Plus, I'm pretty sure The Onion started as an online 'satire-news' website.

And lastly; this is the Pit. If you don't do some research before posting something ridiculously stupid like this. Seriously kids, GOOGLE DOES WONDERS.

Forgive me, I'm in a very unpleasant mood. And what better way to insult people than from behind a computer screen and an internet pseudonym.


I honestly haven't heard about the Onion anywhere at any time EVER. I highly doubt it's common sense. Ciggarettes kill, airplanes fly, fish swim, that's common sense.
Quote by buddha
isnt there a law against not shaving? thats somewere in our constitution. i think it goes something like a girl maybe be a freak in the sheets but no be wild down stairs is treason and for that she will be beheaded.-good old Benjamin F.

#34
Quote by shakin'cakes
I honestly haven't heard about the Onion anywhere at any time EVER. I highly doubt it's common sense. Ciggarettes kill, airplanes fly, fish swim, that's common sense.

And 8 pound men don't hide in vaginas unless they're babies?
#36
Quote by shakin'cakes
I honestly haven't heard about the Onion anywhere at any time EVER. I highly doubt it's common sense. Ciggarettes kill, airplanes fly, fish swim, that's common sense.

K. I give up.
Spiral Out
#37
Quote by shakin'cakes
Is it some trick?

If it is, it's one hell of a funny trick


I'm from sweden dipshit, expect me to know every news article in the US



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#38
Quote by Survivalism
Fail.


Fail.


Fail.


Fail.


Fail.


Double fail.


Fail.


Fail.


Fail.


Super-deluxe fail.

That about wraps it up. You can read the headline and immediately conclude that it's from The Onion.

haha

Fucking brilliant.
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and joy I can't explain.
#39
WTF? weird.i want to see the look of her face when they pulled some guy out of her puss.
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