#1
C4C (leave link)

[warning: strong tone]


Your so-called attitude and your pseudo intellectuality
about post-contemporary fashion sense is just a way for you
to insert in quotation closed circles of society end quotation.

T’is proved in every Friday Night Shots where you socialize
with your copycats; drinking pubic hair in plague infested
public bathrooms, where vomit intertwines with goa trance
and Eristoff Black
There you are:
Passed out
in the arms of a stranger with his cock on your mouth;
every Friday Night Shots.

T’is you who talks in screeches, capturing looks
as a way to give your existence a meaning;
marking your territory as piss to a predator,
dominating nothing but the inferior.

You think you know everyone you fuck; dicks and cunts,
it doesn’t matter, for you shift shape like a metamorphous;
Freudian dreams in every pre-adult’s wet back of mind.
Your way to insert in
quotation closed circles of society end quotation.
T’was you who said it; no need to send
all the people you “know” to beat me up
with baseball bats and fake diamond rings
in squirted fingers and fungous hands.

It all waved in my mind while you were lying in my arms
last Friday Night Shots. I fought with the temptation
of your indecent proposal; your whore version of Demi Moore.
Either I can save you or
“insert myself in quotation closed circles of society end quotation”.

I irony, but I must stop quoting you
or I’ll have to buy your rights to some other
ultimate hate behind fake mind-rape state. (Of mind?)
#2
Your so-called attitude and your pseudo intellectuality
about post-contemporary fashion sense is just a way for you
to insert in quotation closed circles of society end quotation.

This has a lot of relevance to society today and how the renaissance of humanity is slowly becoming an insignificance.

T’is proved in every Friday Night Shots where you socialize
with your copycats; drinking pubic hair in plague infested
public bathrooms, where vomit intertwines with goa trance
and Eristoff Black
There you are:
Passed out
in the arms of a stranger with his **** on your mouth;
every Friday Night Shots.

That last image wasn't entirely necessary, this could have evoked the same statement without going into such measure, it felt rather desperate. A part from that, yes, this was strong in quite a few areas but do you actually mean "goa" or was that just a typo?

T’is you who talks in screeches, capturing looks
as a way to give your existence a meaning;
marking your territory as piss to a predator,
dominating nothing but the inferior.

Yes this links closely with the first stanza and again i thought this had relevance. I didn't particularly like the word piss, again such obscenity could be delivered in a more, dare I say, "sophisticated" was]y. And also that last line was a bit cliche, maybe try this in a different standpoint?

You think you know everyone you ****; dicks and ****s,
it doesn’t matter, for you shift shape like a metamorphous;
Freudian dreams in every pre-adult’s wet back of mind.
Your way to insert in
quotation closed circles of society end quotation.
T’was you who said it; no need to send
all the people you “know” to beat me up
with baseball bats and fake diamond rings
in squirted fingers and fungous hands.

Apart from that first line this really had a lot of power that in a lot of ways, felt captivating. But there are places where this could be improved such as "All the people you 'know' to beat me up" felt distasteful and lacking substance.

It all waved in my mind while you were lying in my arms
last Friday Night Shots. I fought with the temptation
of your indecent proposal; your ***** version of Demi Moore.
Either I can save you or
“insert myself in quotation closed circles of society end quotation”.

Hmm, this had a good mystical sense about it. Nevertheless I was fond this interesting and uniquely executed well done.

I irony, but I must stop quoting you
or I’ll have to buy your rights to some other
ultimate hate behind fake mind-rape state. (Of mind?)

This didn't end the piece, as a whole, perfectly; i still feel that there are, in places, stuff that were left unsaid, which is a shame because this was a lengthy piece.

Overall, although overdone in some places, I found relevance and truth to what you're saying but the texture kind of hindered some of the messages within it.

But anyway, thank you for sharing and also thank you for critting mine, I really appreciated it.
#3
Wow, at first I got the vibe of... meh the title is kind of bleh so the piece will be bleh. But once again Never judge a book by its cover came into play. This piece had a very strong message, and it was fierce in its delivery. If Chuck Palahniuk wrote songs, this is something he would write.
Also I am a sucker for mentioning any type of psychology related thing in pieces, and the Freudian dream's was a great connector for me.

Either one of the pieces in my signature is good for C4C!
this one is for you.
#4
It the same thing as Say Anything - Admit It!!! I can even sing it to the same tune.
Soon you will sit on the bench
of those who deny I have my soul
You sell a dream you create
Condemned by what you condemned before
Smooth are the words you sing down and high
Underground is your joy your laws
#5
I'll start with the end. I like the addition "of mind" maybe even echoing fading out
also I would say: "Freudian wet dreams in the back of every adolescent mind"

There you are:
Passed out
in the arms of a stranger with his **** on your mouth;
every Friday Night Shots.

I loved this

#6
Thank you all; and Ebshabutiee I'll get to yours ASAP.

Now MedicreDemon, Admit It!!! was my major influence in writing this but the only similarity I see, besides the subject, was that I used pseudo in the first line. I also had wirtten "bohemian attitude" but I cut it off when I realized it was a rip-off. Btw, Admit It!!! is mostly talked so it doesn't have a "tune" so to speak... But I might be guilty in what you pointed. I don't know...
#7
Quote by MedicreDemon
It the same thing as Say Anything - Admit It!!! I can even sing it to the same tune.


I was thinking the same thing...
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#8
This made me angry. I feel like hurting small animals now.

Heh, but yeah. I'm usually not a big fan of "AHHH I F*CKIN HATE U" kinda stuff but in this case I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your language and style here are great. Loved the Freud referrence.

Friday Night Shots made me think of football;

"quotation closed circles of society end quotation" - was overused IMO. It greatly lost it's impact when you repeated it three times. As was the "friday night shots".

...

T’was you who said it; no need to send
all the people you “know” to beat me up
with baseball bats and fake diamond rings
in squirted fingers and fungous hands.

I like this part but really DON'T like you saying "beat me up". "Beating up" is something a bully does in junior high before taking your milk money. With the dark and angry tone of this piece I think you should find a better way of saying this. Also, I like the word "faux" better than fake. It's less cliche, more poetic and relevant to diamonds. But it's up to you.

Other than that I got no complaints man. Great piece.

..

(c4c "Honk If You Love Peace & Quiet". I'd greatly appreciate it. thanks)
#10
Quote by seventh_angel
DiveRightIn63, I already made my stand about that, no need to bash me for that...


I wasn't "bashing" by any means. I offered an honest opinion concerning your piece.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.