#1
the pinto arriveth.

she looked to me from the driver's seat
and said:
"I could show you the way of the world right now, ya know."

I haven't the foggiest idea of what you mean.

"I could easily drive into this upcoming wall at 70 miles per hour
and you would never understand why.
Soon afterward come the cops and investigators and the family and
funerals to try and understand this. That is the way of the world:
the impact of confusion, and the coherency that is eventual."

she had a point.
no matter what, someone out there has a better
grip on this and that than you or her or i ever even
thought about having.

i'd made a wonderful observation earlier, though:

two doves were sitting on a rainbow.
one of them screams and rants and raves
in constant anger
almost violence
saying God never cuts him any slack
never meets the needs
must not be real, cuz he's never seen him
and cheefs his cigarettes hard
waiting for the mystery of death
feeling as if that's the only thing
drifting the outlines of his understanding.

ha.

the other,
patiently waits in the lucid beauty of the rainbow,
the misty air and light refractions -
nature's own humidifer with
the slight warmth of the bent sun on his back
doesn't have a home
doesn't have a family
just the love and understanding of....
Jesus? maybe?
how should i know?

i wanted to put them
both on the chopping block.

you see,
feeding and revolving
in the womb of the street lights
and oily puddles;
and wandering in the
been there done that
poetic distance of the night
and moon;
sometimes crawling beyond the constellations
we love to marvel and behold
as we're being held
by the lover we're holding, too,
pondering away the future for the living moment -

there's a mad hatter with a machine gun
gunning down
all you ever loved
with a cigar of joyous hatred in his mouth
and a beer of religion and condition
to wash the taste down
and flush the kidneys out.

Dearest,
for Heaven's sake,
keep those kidneys clean.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#2
"there's a mad hatter with a machine gun
gunning down
all you ever loved
with a cigar of joyous hatred in his mouth
and a beer of religion and condition
to wash the taste down
and flush the kidneys out. "

This stanza. Was. Epic.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
haha. i loved the piece, but absolutely loathed the one culex points out and the conclusion. the problem with longer pieces is that you have to formulate some type of narrative. you do it a couple of times in here, the allusion to the doves does it the best and in my opinion those couple of stanzas with a nice concise conclusion would make this incredible, but that is my opinion. the third stanza also came off a lot like that scene in Fight Club, and everyone knows you never wanna sound like Palahniuk.

thanks for your words on my pieces lately. sorry, if i've been to indirect to pay you back for them!
#4
all i didn't like was the last stanza. I feel like you could omit that and the piece is much stronger. just my opinion though. other than that this was spectacular. although I feel like you copped out at the end of the second stanza about the doves. You started to develop a character and then you just kind of trailed off, but hey maybe thats what you wanted to do for suspense reasons.

Those are really my only qualms on this one.
I feel like even though this is so philosophical I can relate to it, because you are touching on universal truths. I love it. And I love you lol
#5
There are two things right away that almost ruin the beginning for me; way of the world and impact of confusion. Both sound corny and work towards killing the vibe. I initially thought the dove/rainbow analogy would be cheesy as well, but as it turns out, not at all - it's my favorite part of the piece. It really shows the (may I be cliche?) duality of mankind.

One of the greatest things about this is the elasticity of the poem, how it evolves within itself (physical -> metaphysical -> something beyond both). And to mention the imagery; third to last stanza was beautiful.

Very good, Kent. Very.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Oct 9, 2008,
#6


You don't need the of after foggiest.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by ottoavist
the pinto arriveth.

she looked to me from the driver's seat
and said:
"I could show you the way of the world right now, ya know."

I haven't the foggiest idea of what you mean.

"I could easily drive into this upcoming wall at 70 miles per hour
and you would never understand why.
Soon afterward come the cops and investigators and the family and
funerals to try and understand this. That is the way of the world:
the impact of confusion, and the coherency that is eventual."

I digged the ideas here but there were parts here and there that felt weak. Not the ideas but the way it was written such as, "Soon afterward come the cops and investigators". Is the character the narrator here? But apart from that this was great, pfft as usual lol.

she had a point.
no matter what, someone out there has a better
grip on this and that than you or her or i ever even
thought about having.

The line breaks were a good factor here, it created climax and what-have-you. This really illustrated a right mood.

i'd made a wonderful observation earlier, though:

two doves were sitting on a rainbow.
one of them screams and rants and raves
in constant anger
almost violence
saying God never cuts him any slack
never meets the needs
must not be real, cuz he's never seen him
and cheefs his cigarettes hard
waiting for the mystery of death
feeling as if that's the only thing
drifting the outlines of his understanding.

The cigarette image made this feel very juvenile and lack pizzaz. I think, for the sake of your style of writing, you should stay out of that urban legend and flow. "Cuz" also wasn't necessary in depth to this, but the contrast, in ways, created a funny feeling which is a good thing in areas.

ha.

the other,
patiently waits in the lucid beauty of the rainbow,
the misty air and light refractions -
nature's own humidifer with
the slight warmth of the bent sun on his back
doesn't have a home
doesn't have a family
just the love and understanding of....
Jesus? maybe?
how should i know?

I enjoyed the ending here but I thought that the vocabulary didn't effectively compliment it in a way that I think it should have. But I did find this interesting and textured in a deep sense.

i wanted to put them
both on the chopping block.

A bit vague, no?

you see,
feeding and revolving
in the womb of the street lights
and oily puddles;
and wandering in the
been there done that
poetic distance of the night
and moon;
sometimes crawling beyond the constellations
we love to marvel and behold
as we're being held
by the lover we're holding, too,
pondering away the future for the living moment -

This felt like a piece in itself. This makes use of very abstract images but yet, they all link in some sort of metaphysical plane. I can't speak on this or even interpret it in a sufficient manner but I did find it very interesting.

there's a mad hatter with a machine gun
gunning down
all you ever loved
with a cigar of joyous hatred in his mouth
and a beer of religion and condition
to wash the taste down
and flush the kidneys out.

I wish you didn't include alcoholism here with religion but the metaphor here becomes subsequently clearer with each read.

Dearest,
for Heaven's sake,
keep those kidneys clean.

A nice sentimental ending


You really are trying new stuff aren't you; from freestyle to beat and now this, a stream of consciousness. I'm glad that you're a writer here, keep up the good stuff my friend, i know it will get you somewhere.
#9
thank you guys so much for getting to this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
You always present with a voice that draws me in and wonderful personification.
There was little I didn't like on this one.
So I'll be picky about a few things, just so I have something to add.


I haven't the foggiest idea of what you mean.
I'm with Katherine on this one.
It does little harm. But dropping of reads slightly cleaner.


i'd made a wonderful observation earlier, though:
pet peeve of mine. i really hate contractions.
the earlier one felt good in the quote. in a conversation, contractions maintain that tone.
but here, I had made or just I made sounds right, to my ear.


there's a mad hatter with a machine gun
gunning down
the repeat of gun / gunning bugged me a bit.
it's ugly, but either too ugly or not enough.
maybe find another verb for gunning
or gun-gun-gunning might work if you really want to embrace the repetition.


/meager comments.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
Quote by SYK
/meager comments.
pfft, man, nothing's meager with you.
thank you guys immensely.
i'll return. it may take awhile, but i will return comments.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
If I were to be honest, I'd say the title was my favorite part... followed closely by the mad-hatter stanza.

I know the doves thing is most of the content of this piece... but honestly, I could get through it. I had to start over 3 times ebcause it just didn't hold my attention. For me personally, if you cut off before "observation" line thing and start again at the mad-hatter. This resonates better. It doesn't lull in the middle, and I still take the same thing from it I did wiht the birds in there.(to an extent). Probably just me though. Also, drop the "of" as they've said. That's the only thing I will genuinely say isn't just me shoving my opinion around... that ruined that line for me.

#13
- ""I could show you the way of the world right now, ya know." " - I feel that "ya know" slightly ruins this line. Maybe I'm not thinking straight, but I didn't like to have to read that extra little bit. I tried to replace it at the beginning and perceive how it altered the sound, but it failed to please me any more. It doesn't quite work at the end either. I'm in a bit of tether here.... baaaaaahhhhh

- "I haven't the foggiest idea of what you mean. " - I think this line works well with both "of" removed and left in. Settling it in this line would neatly, and quickly conjure up a specific character quality - one of more opulence and fanciness. While removing it would alleviate the slight snobbery of the person and replace it with a more casual, down to earth sought of being. Whatever suits the piece more aptly is up to you.

- ""I could easily drive into this upcoming wall at 70 miles per hour
and you would never understand why.
Soon afterward come the cops and investigators and the family and
funerals to try and understand this. That is the way of the world:
the impact of confusion, and the coherency that is eventual."" - This actually reminded me of the film Vanilla Sky; the car crash scene.
I thought that the second paragraph within this stanza - which began with "Soon..." - was too disconnected from the previous line. It jumps across to a new scenario rather rapidly.

- "she had a point.
no matter what, someone out there has a better
grip on this and that than you or her or i ever even
thought about having. " - This verse made me laugh. It took me about five or more reads before I understood your wording. I don't see why you left it in such disarray, but maybe you have a point that I am missing.

- "two doves were sitting on a rainbow.
one of them screams and rants and raves
in constant anger
almost violence " - I thought this read a little poorly. It should be a sweetly portrayed image, in my opinion (contrasting coolly with the anger) instead of so bitterly and uncomfortably. "screams and rants and raves" is overly long and overly conversational, while the line breaks in the following segment is artistically lazy (not sure if that's the right wording I was looking for - it seems a bit harsh - I think you understand) in a certain sense, anyway.

I thought the brief laugh was not the most appropriate. Don't fully know why, but it doesn't lend anything solid to this, which was needed.

The ending of the following bird illustration ended with some odd line breaks and quick, snappy wording, which is a bit uncontrolled and kinda silly, in a way, but its growing, as is the whole piece.

Everything from that point on was stellar. Really was. The ending could of fitted in with the rest of the piece more snugly, but I don't feel its that necessary to alter it, its already quite good.

Well done, gov'ner.

Digitally Clean
#14
I am intrigued.

I like the way you're sort of telling a story and stuff. It's different from what most people write and that's interesting.
wat.