#1
So yeah...pretty much my first time posting a song on forum, don't steal it please lol. I'm the rhythm guitarist *cough lol* for the band Altarage...hence my profile name... this song's called Martyr. I like it, personally. My most recent work. Its all based on one tune, but extra instruments (piano, orchestra *cough* etc...lol) come in during 'chorus' (the bold writing). So yeah just give us your opinion on it, hoping to put more stuff up in the future.

Martyr
Hello, hooray, how are you?
Stifled edges breaking through
Correction's done you well my friend
It's tying up all your frayed ends

Your naked lips are stumbling
A downpour of the muffling of
Sunken days and sunken hearts
Among racks of vials and progress charts

And mumbles of your smiles
And of choirs in denial
And of hunter, fascist scientists
Pumping our souls in vials

And I'll walk a thousand miles
Just to hear you smile
And I'll walk without direction
But don't you dare blame correction


And you're putting on their trademark grey
You think you've got it all as they play
Russian Roulette with your mind
And Chess with fate and destined lines

Never unforgiven are we
When our souls change in a heartbeat
And our lives can change so drastically
With shades of righteous heresy

When you walk upon the water
To try to find your daughter
When your son's staring you in the eyes
Corrections building his disguise

And the southern cross is beckoning
Calling you and your mumbling
Of broken hearts and shattered smiles
And muffled souls in vacuum vials


Another day defies the grave
Belittled, broken scurvy knaves
Caught up in an open book of
Shattered dreams and bloody hooks

They'd walk a thousand miles
Just to hear me smile
Victims of the correction
And of scientist's dissection

And they're drinking all the water
To try to kill my daughter
But saving my son all the while
Flying souls and shattering vials

And the sun'll soon be rising
With the ending and demising
Of you and your new friends, disappear
You served us well while you were here


Never unforgiven are we
When our souls change in a heartbeat
And our lives can change so drastically
With shades of green led ecstacy

When you die upon the water
Are you really a martyr?
Have you died for something you believe in
Or died for something you're just leaving?
#3
Good writing. I can kinda get an idea of how the song sounds just from the word flow, and thats awesome! This line in particular caught my attention: Sunken days and sunken hearts, Among racks of vials and progress charts".

I like that rhyming is more of an after thought than device. Honestly, becuase this is UG i thought it was going to be crap. Thank you for the pleasant suprise. You should consider posting an mp3. Prepare to be bashed, but with that comes a lot of good criticism, if you got thick skin you should reap a lot of benefit from the comments.

.... 1st
"You can drink an ugly chick hot, but you can’t drink a fat chick skinny."

Fender: HSS Stratocaster

Modulus: 1991 Q5

Peavey:158BASS
Marshall: MG30FDX
Acoustic: B200
#4
Thank you very much, and it hasnt been recorded yet. Im only 16, dont have the money for a piano and an orchestra lol but we'll probably try with a synth (is that a good idea?). But thanks heaps for the feedback!
#8
Please give the rules a read at the top of this forum, then you can repost this piece.

Thanks
THW
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.