#1
Just wrote this fairly quickly, wanted to see what people think! Crit4crit

My herald is sycophant

Call me the tax collector
I am nothing more than a jackleg
See you poured your tar on me
Now I grew feathers
But is it that I am too scared to fly?
No, it’s just that
I still don’t have wings
Maybe you can give them to me?

Bogged down in a foxhole
Cyclic smoke reeves the air
And I know you won’t be coming home for July

A lizard hinted at the man in a plain
White t-shirt, faded jeans
Classy Fedora with a belt that speaks
Hundreds of words
But a lizard dropped the ball
Since Belial was my call,
And to me, for hours out
I was the dressed clown

So do not drink this wine
It is spiked with spines
So I plead, do not eat the food
It will only devastate your hungry brood

Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?
Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?
I place a heat-sink in my palm
For I sweat under these qualms
Placing a heat-sink in your mouth
Maybe a flipped pillow will kill your spout
Because it’s flooding the basement

Edit:
Thanks everyone for the replies! I realized now after relooking at it is that i strayed away from the main point of the song. So really each little section (not really verses) kind of has its own idea.
I am going to use this for future song ideas, maybe use each chunk in its own little song. To much listening to the Mars Volta I think is what caused these lyrics
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by Ebshabutiee


Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?



i thought the whole thing was kinda meh nothing caught my attnetion to much but i really liked this paradox.
#3
As said above, there isn't much that sticks out. It's okay, and with a little extra, could maybe be done to a Slipknot kind of tempo.
#4
Quote by Ebshabutiee
Just wrote this fairly quickly, wanted to see what people think! Crit4crit

My herald is sycophant

Call me the tax collector
I am nothing more than a jackleg
See you poured your tar on me
Now I grew feathers
But is it that I am too scared to fly?
No, it’s just that
I still don’t have wings
Maybe you can give them to me?

This was frantic in its most unrequited sense, i thought this had great depth albeit it was simple, nevertheless this had impact.

Bogged down in a foxhole
Cyclic smoke reeves the air
And I know you won’t be coming home for July

An ellipsis after July could work here, no?

A lizard hinted at the man in a plain
White t-shirt, faded jeans
Classy Fedora with a belt that speaks
Hundreds of words
But a lizard dropped the ball
Since Belial was my call,
And to me, for hours out
I was the dressed clown

The final two lines were the outliers here, apart else, this was great. If this is sog lyrics then this is hitting me really heavily.

So do not drink this wine
It is spiked with spines
So I plead, do not eat the food
It will only devastate your hungry brood

"Brood" isn't a word that particularly sounds nice, but this had great rhythm and depth.

Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?
Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?
I place a heat-sink in my palm
For I sweat under these qualms
Placing a heat-sink in your mouth
Maybe a flipped pillow will kill your spout
Because it’s flooding the basement

The abstract nature of this made this read worthwhile. There wasn't much wrong with this, at all. Kudos


Ah I really did like this piece and the fact that this could actually be a song made it the more exciting; we need more lyrics like this here in UG.

Thank you for sharing and please stick around.
#5
i actually found it really pretentious
it is possible to overdo it with sensory detail and metaphor after metaphor
also, there is no flow from verse to verse, no underlying theme
nothing to ground it, so each line sounds really random

it reminds me of the episode of the simpsons where moe becomes a poet
and he has this line "in my dreams, i eat corn with my eyes"

it seems as if you tried WAAAAAAAAAY too hard to be deep and philosophical
which made the whole thing seem contrived
just don't think so much...

after all is said though, i really liked the mind/matter line
and perhaps this is what you're best at, surrealism seems to overwhelm many writers
but you obviously have a very good grip on it

p.s. : i'm not trying to be a douchebag
i actually thought you had some good lines
but mixing abstract with concrete would make it much more readable
and dont forget to include a central theme in every verse, even if its only a single line!
most of the lyrics i write are abstract as well, but i find it too tiring to write an entirely surrealist song, and if it drains me to write such a thing, i'm guessing it would drain people to read it
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#6
Hey dude, thanks for the crit.

First of all, I don't know if you meant to, but you used the word sycophant incorrectly. You must use the adjective form of the word: 'sycophantic/sycophantical/sycophantish'. Unless you are saying that the herald actually is the concept of sycophant itself (like 'she IS beauty') but even then you must use 'sycophantism.'

Mind over matter, but is the mind not matter?

I like that line, but I think repeating it makes less of an impact.

That's about it, good job!
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."