#1
Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

Death and destruction
People can't function
Asking whats wrong
waiting takes to long

fast is the only way
to do stuff today
Somethings got to give
if people want to live

Markets crashed
skulls bashed
false hope
smokin dope

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

Revelations
of a divided nation
worlds enraged
cities on flame

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

maybe not my best piece but oh well I'll work on it some more later

EDIT: Crit4Crit
Last edited by therealtater at Oct 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by therealtater
Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

Death and destruction
People can't function
Asking whats wrong
waiting takes to long
maybe you could take out the 'to,' and just have 'waiting takes long'


fast is the only way
to do stuff today
Somethings got to give
if people want to live

Markets crashed
skulls bashed
false hope
smokin dope

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

Revelations
of a divided nation
worlds enraged
cities on flame
maybe cities in flames rather than cities on flame

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

maybe not my best piece but oh well I'll work on it some more later


I enjoyed it, it's simple yet can be powerful- Besides the small technical stuff, it's good. I feel like it can be really work if you execute it right. Good job dude.
#4
More poetry than song, it would require an exact tempo to be done right, but the writing itself is good.
#6
First off, Thanx for the crit on my song "Jill's Song (what I Get Up For". Secondly, I couldn't read this as a song as much as a poem... but none the less, it was very enjoyable and a very good read.
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#8
Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

I reallly like your choice of words in this stanza and how you use opposites (love, hatred) very good opening

Death and destruction
People can't function
Asking whats wrong
waiting takes to long

very good

fast is the only way
to do stuff today
Somethings got to give
if people want to live

Markets crashed
skulls bashed
false hope
smokin dope

the smokin dope part was smart but it is proven that lyrics such as this can put negative veiws on your song although its a good rhyme. its a good style.

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

same as 1st stanza..good repetition

Revelations
of a divided nation
worlds enraged
cities on flame

everything is plural except for a divided nation so perhaps change it to revaltions, of divided nations

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement days coming
why are you going?

good job ending with a question. makes the listener/reader think


overall i couldnt really find anything wrong...i was really just nitpicking...very good song 9/10
#9
thanks for the crit and orginally I had it has revalations of divided nations idk why I changed it, but I re wrote the whole piece then lost what I had wrote haha bad habit of doing that oh and in that one stanza, im not lookin at the poem right now i think its the last one where I put worlds enraged its not pural its posseive
Last edited by therealtater at Oct 13, 2008,
#10
Really i'm just being really picky 'cos there's not much to say bad about it
many people have said to me that you shouldn't abbreviate words in songs as it emphisises the point more.

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement day is coming
why are you going?

Death and destruction
People cannot function
Asking what is wrong
waiting takes to long

fast is the only way
to do stuff today
Something has got to give
if people want to live

Markets crashed
skulls bashed
false hope
smoking dope

I don't really like this line, maybe it was just the smokin' bit though.

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement day is coming
why are you going?

Revelations
of a divided nation
The world is enraged
cities on flame

Hatred surrounds
love confounds
judgement day is coming
why are you going?

I like the 'Revelations of a Divided Nation' line
I wish I had come up with that

Check out mine (see sig) if you have time
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals