#1
I've only tried writing songs a few times and this is the 2nd that I've actually followed through with... I tried a different style as my first one was more of an aggressive type.
Please tell me what you think of this so far:

The dew feels cold, damp
The sun begins to rise
A shudder of loneliness
Until I realize
that you are near
Uncomfortable no more,
No reason to feel down
It's time for us to soar


So take my hand
and make this last
We'll fly away
forget the past

We've all been hurt
we know how it feels
but remember through time
that everything heals


Your hair dances
in the breeze
Eyelids shut, an infinite darkness
I'll be your blanket, you rest my head
Now open your eyes, count the stars
Remember to look both high and low
For the most luminous star
is my pillow

^Replace this with the below stanza^

Your hair dances
as we begin to fly
A blanket of darkness
now covers the midnight sky
Your eyes overflow
These are tears we have seen
But these unforgiving burdens

Are now wiped clean//Have now been cleaned <--Can't decide which to use

So take my hand
and make this last
we'll fly away
forget the past

We've all been hurt
we know how it feels
but remember through time
that everything heals
Last edited by toolfan91 at Oct 14, 2008,
#2
It's pretty depressing lol...but yeah, I think it's good. Try going though it again and see if you can find places where it seems like you forced a rhyme.

"So take my hand
and make this last
we'll fly away
forget the past"

That stanza/verse seems a little generic in terms of how you worded it. My suggestions are to go over it and find places where you sorta forced a rhyme, and places where it sounds very cliche, like the one above. Good luck!!
#3
hmm. i like the first part, and the repeating parts. i second part that doesn't get repeated i didnt really like. i couldn't get any flow from it. you rest my head and then the most luminous star is my pillow seemed strange. with the whole meaning, you say take my hand, other lines give it a romantic vibe, but you say we've all been hurt and time heals everything, it seems like your suggesting even if shit ****s up with the romanticism that it will go away, so you've got nothing to lose. or you could just be reintroducing romantic connection with someone who recently fell out of it. idk, i dont know who the all refers to in we've all been hurt, it pulls in a lot of other people in this two person scene.
but, i liked the rhymes, and espically the first part.. keep up the good work, hope this helps some.
#4
Okay I redid the 2nd stanza you were talking about can someone please critique?