#1
This is the first song I ever wrote. It was written a little over two years ago.
C4C.

The Person Inside

Verse 1:

Everyone has two sides
Look close, do you see the other me
I feel so torn on the inside
Is this the me I'm supposed to be
Sometimes it gets so confusing
(I don't know why, but still I try)
Why do I feel like I'm losing
To the person inside that I try to hide

Chorus:

So I run away
(I can't live this way)
There's only me to blame
(Can't bring back yesterday)
I feel so out of place
(I can't keep up the pace)
I'm in a daze
(Can't seem to change my ways)
Sometimes I'm not okay
I'll pull the truth out of your lies
Sometimes I'm so afraid
Of the person inside that I try to hide

Verse 2:

Everyone has two sides
Look at me, tell me what you see
Sometimes I scream on the inside
I don't know who I'm supposed to be
Everyone is accusing ME
And I don't know why
Its in control and its using ME
Its the person inside that I try to hide

ChorusX1

Bridge/solo

Ending:

Everyone has two sides
I look in the mirror, now I see
Who I am on the inside
The outside is now a reflection of me
The path I walk, I have chosen
(The person inside is a state of mind)
As I hear the words I've spoken
I know I won't hide what I feel inside
The person inside was only a lie

-------------------------------------

I don't think its much, but its the first thing I ever wrote. So, crit away.
--EDIT-- forgot to add this. ()=sung softly by another singer. Bold=screamed.
Last edited by --LP-- at Oct 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by --LP--

Verse 1:

Everyone has two sides
Look close, do you see the other me
I feel so torn on the inside
Is this the me I'm supposed to be
Sometimes it gets so confusing
(I don't know why, but still I try)
Why do I feel like I'm losing
To the person inside that I try to hide

I actually kind of like this verse, it's not very strong lyrically by I like the way it flows so well. But I still think you should tone it up a bit.


Chorus:

So I run away
I can't live this way
There's only me to blame
Can't bring back yesterday
I feel so out of place
I can't keep up the pace
I'm in a daze
Can't seem to change my ways
Sometimes I'm not okay
I'll pull the truth out of your lies
Sometimes I'm so afraid
Of the person inside that I try to hide

When doing a chorus, I always just make it the main point of the whole song so people can remember it and you hook them in but in this it just feels like a bunch of scattered little lines but hey if you can make it work then that's cool too.


Verse 2:

Everyone has two sides
Look at me, tell me what you see
Sometimes I scream on the inside
I don't know who I'm supposed to be
Everyone is accusing ME
And I don't know why
Its in control and its using ME
Its the person inside that I try to hide

I like how all the versus start out the same and resemble each other but it just feels like your saying the same stuff over and over again.
ChorusX1

Bridge/solo

Ending:

Everyone has two sides
I look in the mirror, now I see
Who I am on the inside
The outside is now a reflection of me
The path I walk, I have chosen
(The person inside is a state of mind)
As I hear the words I've spoken
I know I won't hide what I feel inside
The person inside was only a lie

I like this ending and how you use the mirror, that's my favorite part, plus it gives you a resolution without being cliche about it.




So really what I think you should do is fix the chorus (If you think you should, it's just my advice), then if I were you I'd make the 2nd verse different, not start the same way as the others, and talk about something that can switch it up a little bit so the reader doesn't get bored and then have it start and end the way you have it.
Hope my critique helped.
Good song.
-Austin
#5
Very good. The only thing that stuck out to me was the line in the chorus, "I'm in a daze." I don't know. Just doesn't feel right to me. But good job mate.
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