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#1
As the nightsky took the horizon from the light and the stars began emerging I cracked a cold beer and bit into my first of 12 slices of piping hot spicy supreme pizza. I always order extra jalapeno's and extra cheese and use the spicy dip sauce. The pizza was delicious and the evening was carrying on wonderfully..I was watching an infomercial about a juicing machine and about to smoke a joint when I heard a odd sound. At first I thought it was outside so I stood up to investigate. This was my first mistake.

As soon as I stood up there was another odd sound but this time accompanied by a small burning sensation and a bloating feeling of the gaseous element we all know as farts. This was where the first casualty fell in noble battle. My brand new beer bottle boxer shorts were hit in the midsection with a deathly blow..the boxer shorts most feared nemesis- the Shart. I couldn't control it and immediately felt the fecal matter penetrate the fresh virgin cotton as I ran towards the bathroom.

At this point I knew that my enemy was using his advantage of the sneak attack and would be ruthless so I placed my hand into the back of my pants cupping the area around ground zero. I used my clean untainted other hand to open the door and ran in quickly dropping my pants and sitting on the porcelain throne. The initial attack was over but the battle remained furious, as I began to wipe the defecate from my hand I was stopped.

There was several bursts of water splashing back and hitting my nuts and shit smeared ass as I fired round after round of jalapeno riddled poop at the toilet. Alas, I was granted no mercy, the initial stages were over but I began being overtaken by the smell of this terrible entity and was now dealing with the mortal fear every taker of spicy foods must face..the Chocolate Waterfall. I began feeling weezy, losing so much of my body weight in the ordeal had left me weak and susceptable to another attack. Staring at my shit smeared underwear I decided they had to go, I lifted my dirty buttock from the seat and raised my foot.

Apparently my bladder had joined the coalition though and I stared in horror as my jeans and shit smeared boxer shorts encountered the final blow, a short spirt of urine hitting my leg and floor before I was able to place it back into the toilet area. Everything seemed to be over when I looked in horror at my dirty penis. I had grabbed it during the golden surprise attack with my wounded hand.

So now I cower...defeated and dirty, smelling the horrific odour of failure and loss. Tonight the spicy pizza and beer collaborated with my intestines and bladder to destroy what was left of my dignity, my courage and my happiness. I now sit in shame wondering what I will do with my broken soul.
Last edited by MeltingWaxFace at Oct 11, 2008,
#2
Wall Of Text With No Structure!!!




Edit: He changed it
"Ignorance runs rampant through this virus we call life, dead one day, alive the next, never breaking a stride. As I take it all in and realize, nothing we do can stop it, I release the hatred from my eyes, only to feel it within."
Last edited by crackhutch at Oct 9, 2008,
#3
Mmm, pizza.

That's as far as I got before my brain gave up on that block of text
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#5
Oh.

My.

GOD.

Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#8
i read all of it
HAHAHAHAAH thats awesome you are a champ
have fun washing:P
Pull my finger

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me:"...yes... why?"
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Me again:"...no Anthony..no i don't"
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haha

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#9
Best story ever written by man or woman, deserves to sell more copies than the bible. 5 stars
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#11
Quote by saphrax
I dunno, the fart in the lift story was pretty damn special.


That was The Leader wasn't it?
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#13
Haha, nice read. This and the "Fart competition in the lift" prove that The Pit can be rather creative when it comes to toilet humor.
Some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of God's grey Earth as that prince of foods:



the muffin!
#14
Does it feel good to share? Very gross, but very funny How long have you been eating spicy food for? I am a regular user (yes, spicy food is a drug), and as such have built up a tolerance. Never had anything like this happen...
#16
Quote by saphrax
I honestly can't remember.


It might not be the same thread, but I'm sure he made one about dropping ass in a confined space...
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#17
Quote by metacarpi
It might not be the same thread, but I'm sure he made one about dropping ass in a confined space...



Last edited by MeltingWaxFace at Oct 9, 2008,
#19
Quote by metacarpi
It might not be the same thread, but I'm sure he made one about dropping ass in a confined space...


Yes...Yes it was. I'm working on pinching out a sequel as well.

Edit: Duel of the Farts was what I ended up calling it. I'm thinking for part 2...

Duel of the Farts 2: Brothers in Bowels. Catchy ain't it?
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
Last edited by The Leader at Oct 10, 2008,
#20
Did you wash up before typing this? If not, your keyboard's probably covered in poo.
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#22
Quote by The Leader
Yes...Yes it was. I'm working on pinching out a sequel as well.

Edit: Duel of the Farts was what I ended up calling it. I'm thinking for part 2...

Duel of the Farts 2: Brothers in Bowels. Catchy ain't it?




Oh man, I can't wait!
Quote by GLP_Arclite
Pooping is well good though, to be fair.


I've got a handle on the fiction.

I'm losing my grip, 'cos I'm losing my fingers.
#25
Quote by fretsonfire74
Copy paster from /b/ methinks?



In all honesty it isn't. If you google or yahoo any of it you won't find it. Original effort partially based on a true story...like all great literature
#26
Wow ts. I assume its a pretty uneventful saturday night since your writing stories about shitting yourself on the pit? :P
We sailed through endless skies...

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#27
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
The pizza was delicious and the evening was carrying on wonderfully..I was watching an infomercial about a juicing machine and about to smoke a joint when I heard a odd sound.


The whole thing is epic, but this is the part that really gets me.

Simply because none of the items mentioned in this sentence are at ALL related
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#28


That was brilliant!
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#30
hahaha!!!! it wouldnt have been funny (everyone here seems to like telling stories about shtting themself) if it wasnt so hilariously written.
The Mitch Clem formula
1)make jokes about rancid and NOFX (as if they dont already make fun of themselves)
2)make obvious punk puns, possibly related to food
3)make fun of Rancid and NOFX again
4)??????
5)PROFIT (and an army of internet fanboys)
#33
I thought 1984 was good, but this is definitely the greatest piece of literature I have ever read.
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#34
i had a similar experience at a friends house once, it sucked bad
The Mitch Clem formula
1)make jokes about rancid and NOFX (as if they dont already make fun of themselves)
2)make obvious punk puns, possibly related to food
3)make fun of Rancid and NOFX again
4)??????
5)PROFIT (and an army of internet fanboys)
#36
Quote by Hellish_Wolf
Wow ts. I assume its a pretty uneventful saturday night since your writing stories about shitting yourself on the pit? :P




I was happy with the pizza, beer and weed...well what the hell...I was happy with the pooping too..was relieving to say the least..I mean..even the juicing machine infomercial was semi-entertaining..the bathroom episode didn't have to be so god damn messy though.
#37
That pizza seemed epic though.
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#38
Quote by JeanMi36
That pizza seemed epic though.



It was, I hate it so fast I still have the burns on my gums and the insides of my cheeks.
#40
It sent a chill down my spine, and was oddly arousing.
Action. Reaction. Like an eye for an eye from our tribal days.
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