#1
Acoustic pop/rock song, pretty generic, c4c if you want.

Baby, I love you
Well maybe I don’t
I’m not sure who you are anymore
The past, present, or future knocking at my door

You’ve got long blonde hair like she did
Go to the same coffee shop that we did
I could’ve sworn you were her all along
As I playing this song

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

I waited outside your door for hours
Hoping that she would come out
I realized that she didn’t live there anymore
That’s when I turned the car around

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

She is everything to me
Always has been and will always be
You are nothing but a mirror
I hold her picture up to you to see
That she still staring at me
Oh yes she’s still staring

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her
That’s right I just wish you could be her
Last edited by Mlnwd at Oct 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by Mlnwd
Acoustic pop/rock song, pretty generic, c4c if you want.

Baby, I love you
Well maybe I don’t
I’m not sure who you are anymore
The past, present, or future knocking at my door

As an opening verse, it sets the tone of the piece quite well. Whilst very generic in subject matter, it works as it puts across your feelings straight away. I like the internal rhyme in the third line but I'd change the final line as it seems to long and out of place compared to the rest of the verse. Perhaps it could be changed to something like "Why are you knocking at my door?" It loses some of the effect but fits better with the verse and still has the same basic message to it.

You’ve got long blonde hair like she did
Go to the same coffee shop that we did
I could’ve sworn you were her all along
As I playing this song

I'd lose the "You've" from line 1 as it keeps the line concise and in keeping with the previous verse, and also lose "that" from the second line. This brings the syllable count in each line closer which helps with the rhythm. If you get rid of those words then it would make sense to lose "I" from the third line and change "playing" to "play" in the final line, looks like a typo. Other than those changes, it's another strong verse, addresses the girl at the centre of the piece, and gives the reader an idea of what is happening, i.e that perhaps the girl you are writing the song to is not actually who the song is about.

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

Lose "around" from the fourth line as it creates a rhyme with the first line, and I think this is important for a chorus to make it catchy and create a hook to keep the reader interested. I would also change the last 2 line around because it makes more sense if you read it that way. This is the weakest part of the song so far, but with a little work it could become a polished chorus.

I waited outside your door for hours
Hoping that she would come out
I realized that she didn’t live there anymore
That’s when I turned the car around

Short and simple, perfect after a longish chorus. The way I read it, it seems as if it is taking an almost sinister turn here, as if you are stalking the girl, this could be the completely wrong reading but that is one interpretation I had. Another one is that perhaps the girl has gone, maybe passed away or moved, and you are longing for her so much, you choose not to remember she is gone.

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

Same as previous chorus, see my words up there.

She is everything to me
Always has been and will always be
You are nothing but a mirror
I hold her picture up to you to see
That she still staring at me
Oh yes she’s still staring

This is my favourite verse in the whole song. There is more emotion in here than there is anwhere else in the song. You are finally telling the girl that she is not actually the object of your affection, and that you are writing about someone else.

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her

This is your song
It was supposed to be hers
I didn’t write it for you
I just changed the words around
You never really meant anything to me
Cause she is everything to me
Oh I just wish you could be her
That’s right I just wish you could be her

Again, see what I wrote about the chorus before


First thing I'm going to say is use punctuation, lol. It makes reading things like this alot easier, and helps the reader get your sense of rhythm for the piece. All in all I enjoyed reading the piece, some parts could do with some work but once you work on some of the things I've pointed out it should be a really good piece. I'd like to here it when it's been set to music.

Could you return the crit on my latest piece, "Why?" Here's the link Why?

Thanks in advance dude.