#1
c4c


She dragged me to the grand canyon
and we tiptoed to the edge, peering
into the giant hole.

She make stern face.
Mumble metaphors about our
love is like canyon;
eroding...
hand talking,
arm flailing,
tears faking falling.

I lost interest
watched eagles soar
over edge.

Quiet.


She bent over and pulled a parachute
out of her ass; the same one I bought
her two Christmases ago when she
promised to go hang-gliding with me.
She had painted a picture
of her best friend on it.

Strapped it to my back.
Pushed.

She never did have the heart to
throw me off a cliff without
making sure I'd have a
rebound to save me.
#2
She dragged me to the grand canyon
and we tiptoed to the edge, peering
into the giant hole.
I really like the way that you set the scene here and carry it on in the next stanza and the way the setting is so important to the end result and metaphor.

She made a stern face.
Mumbling metaphors about our
love is like a canyon;
eroding...
hand talking,
arms flailing,
tears faking falling.
I like the metaphors here - and eroding in it's own line adds a lot of emphasis.

I lost interest
watched eagles soar
over edge.
Is the Tense difference intentional here?
Quiet.

She bent over and pulled a parachute
out of her ass; the same one I bought
her two Christmases ago when she
promised to go hang-gliding with me.
She had painted a picture
of her best friend on it.
Hmm well i'm not sure what to say about this - is there any reason you chose to have her pulling it out of her ass? The picture of her best friend on it seems random at first, but it ties in nicely with the metaphor of being pushed off a cliff with a breakup.

Strapped it to my back.
Pushed.
Nice way to keep the reader tense and wondering what is about to happen

She never did have the heart to
throw me off a cliff without
making sure I'd have a
rebound to save me.
The development of the final point is constructed nicely - the setting contributing the final point is nicely thought out.

Having only Johnny Appleseed that i have read as a benchmark of your style, I don't know if i have unwittingly corrected stylistic elements (appologies if i have). I have a few questions after reading this - is there any relevance to the Italics and 'normal' font and the poem? Also the tense errors... If this was intentional then i'm sorry (again ), and am curious about them as well... Apart from that though i enjoyed the construction of the end point - and didn't see it coming.
Originally Posted by venom0014
yeaaaaa, i love you zenmaestro in a non gay way

^Of course Venom, everybody does.

Originally Posted by Will_Minus
This guy knows the score.

You see? Someone knows the score.
#3
The italics and the tense shifts were all on purpose. Call it experimentation. It's supposed to denote a tone shift and the "weird way of using verbs" is supposed to make that part feel stuttered and overly quick.

Thanks for the comments mate. Leave me a link and I'll return critiques later.
#4
There is something so unbelievable in your style, something so detached and voyeuristic. I have never once been attached to a character in your poetry, interested? yes, but actually have empathy for one? no. none of them are real people, just manifestations of ideal (stock) ideas.

Here, the stylistic choice detracted, a third (?) character (or characterization) was distracting almost like the author wanted there to appear to be more meaning here then is actually there (not saying that's what actually occurs).

I just didnt find the event interesting or relatable, it was all one giant metaphor built on stereotypical symbols and characters, and whether this was your intent or not the overall experience was underwhelming.

shrug.

#6
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


She dragged me to the grand canyon
and we tiptoed to the edge, peering
into the giant hole.

She make stern face.
Mumble metaphors about our
love is like canyon;
eroding...
hand talking,
arm flailing,
tears faking falling. This reminded me of what an non'English speaker would right if you asked them to make a poem. Grammatically incorrect and totally bizarre, yet strangely captivating.

I lost interest
watched eagles soar
over edge.

Quiet.


She bent over and pulled a parachute
out of her ass; I take it your refering to the Americanism "pulling something out of your ass" here? Making something appear from nowhere?the same one I bought
her two Christmases ago when she
promised to go hang-gliding with me.
She had painted a picture
of her best friend on it.

Strapped it to my back.
Pushed. Great tension builder

She never did have the heart to
throw me off a cliff without
making sure I'd have a
rebound to save me.Brilliant ending. This made the piece for me. Until here i was like, meh, nice imagery and writing, btu rather boring. But this stanza is incredible. It made me smile.


After all the crap you've been giving me, here is a straight "he did this, she smoked crack" piece

Okay, so its not as bad as mine was, and i'm not going to make you eat your words or anything else stupid and childish. Okay, lets see what I can say.

The ending: Brilliant. The best part of the piece without a doubt.

The italics section: The only other interesting part of the piece, just cause its so bizarre and random and completely out of place with the rest of the piece.

The rest: Boring is such a strong word...lets try, a whole lot of nothingness draped in a beautiful dress.

The imagery is incredible, but the story didn't grab me, and like #1 synth said, the characters aren't believable at all. I also agree that they all feel voyeuristic. The reader feels like a reader, a viewer, not like an actualy part of the action. I think thats the biggest problem with your pieces. They make the reader feel like a reader, not a character in the piece.

I hope this helps, i've tried to say as much as i can without repeating myself. You are incredible with imagery, but everything else seems to fall to second base. It's like giong to look at a beautiful house and finding that its infested with termites, unfurnished and has no electricity. You've got the hosue, now fill it!

I'm up to the fourth re-write of Nighttime ow if you wanna swing by and offer your opinion. Followed a lot of your advice, see what you think!
#7
It's pretty good. An interesting idea to say the least. I can't really think of much to change, because the flow seems like it all has a reasoning of it's own. Wish I could be more helpful;
if you'll do crit4crit, pick one from my sig; I think you already critted one of them, but I can't remember which one...
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c


She dragged me to the grand canyon
and we tiptoed to the edge, peering
into the giant hole.

Very nice opening lines, gives the song a setting.

She make stern face.
Mumble metaphors about our
love is like canyon;
eroding...
hand talking,
arm flailing,
tears faking falling.

I like the use of metaphors here, very subtle

I lost interest
watched eagles soar
over edge.

Quiet.



She bent over and pulled a parachute
out of her ass; the same one I bought
her two Christmases ago when she
promised to go hang-gliding with me.
She had painted a picture
of her best friend on it.

Hm, I am not to sure about the first two lines. The song has a very mellow feel to it before this but Im not sure if 'out of her ass' really fits. Its funny and does add a different feel though.

Strapped it to my back.
Pushed.

She never did have the heart to
throw me off a cliff without
making sure I'd have a
rebound to save me.

Very nice ending, gives a bit of closure, almost.



I thought it was a very well written piece. There where only a couple things that really caught my eye: the last stanza, and the use of metaphors in the second. Everything else flowed really well with the piece though.
If you C4C, either one of the pieces in my Signature.
this one is for you.
#9
Dylan (?) is right about the fact that the characters are unbelievable. You hardly dwell on any facet of the story at all. All we really learn about the characters is that the canyon symbolizes their eroding love, and then later in the piece, we learn about the parachute. I just felt so ridiculously disconnected from this piece, I could hardly focus on the metaphors.

Now for the logistics of this piece. I can understand how you wanted the italicized section to read faster, but "the wierd usage of verbs" and the pulling of a couple key words made it very unfriendly to the ears. I ended up toning out of the scene, and just reading the section for content, and took very little from it. You sounded like an Indian chief, in all honesty.

For the intro, I kinda bypassed some words simply out of mental reasoning (or my pathetic attempt at it). All I took was "you're at the edge of the grand canyon with a girl". I didn't realise until just now that she "dragged" you, or that you "tiptoed" to the edge. Whether or not those subtle details carry importance, they're a section of time where I'm spacing out and just gliding from one highlight word to the next. Like when she pulled the parachute out of her ass, I just flew over that and hoped that the next line explained the importance of her ass, but it never did.

The rest of the piece was very "he did this, she did that", as the others have said. It just seems like a scene that doesn't require much action.