#1
memoirs
penned from parked cars:
i watched thoughts go by in reverse.
certain sanctities erased,
replaced with her name
up and down my windshield.

here's to when i still drank wine from a glass;
to the autumn air and the apartment stairs where i met you;
to extant feelings, not yet neutered by the past tense;
to gasps grasped tight to my lungs,
and to sweeping feelings under rugs.
here's to the smile i wear like a raincoat.
#6
Nothing wrong with fusion. Goku did it.

This is lovely.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
i think you could solve that just by saying 'gasp' gasp grapsed is much easier to say than gasps grasped

unless it matters too much

meh, lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#8
it matters little to me. SO little that i'm not going to change it. so take THAT, bitches. STRUGGLE through those two syllables just as the narrator struggles through his LIFE.

symbology? now it is.
#9
lol

swish
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#10
I enjoyed it. It really gives off that mellow, autumn air, fallen leaves kinda vibe. I also agree with everyone on the gasps grasps thing :P

nice job
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
Hated gasps grasped. The rhyme idea was nice, but its too hard to say... too similar and too unpleasing to the ears.

Only complaint. Rest was stellar.


this

if you don't change it, it's no big deal, but in a short piece, it does mean something.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
memoirs
penned from parked cars:
i watched thoughts go by in reverse.
certain sanctities erased,
replaced with her name
up and down my windshield.
I started reading this stanza and felt like these were slogans thrown at me, cut up sentences jumbled up together to form some steam of conciousness kind of feeling. However, by the time I finished reading the last line the overall scene and concept was just set so perfectly I didn't really care for the specifics. It was a well crafted feeling the crept up on me rather than just be plainly served. I liked it a lot.

here's to when i still drank wine from a glass;
to the autumn air and the apartment stairs where i met you;
to extant feelings, not yet neutered by the past tense;
to gasps grasped tight to my lungs,
and to sweeping feelings under rugs.
here's to the smile i wear like a raincoat.
With the mood set in the previous stanza, this one was a perfect companion. I thought "neutered" was a bit off in the sense it was a rougher, less subtle word compared to the other phrasing you used. Other than that I have nothing to add to this.

I really enjoyed it. It was simple and seasonal and lovely.

If you'd like to return a critique, check my sig. No worries if not though.
This is not a pipe