#1
Second song on here! Actually got replies to my first one so woo ! Lets give a little background on how these are written. Usually the songs I have written where written like awhile ago and are slowly built upon. The ones I will be posting on this site are written on the spot then posted with very little editing. So these are raw. So all criticism is taken to heart and actually put to good use. As always Crit4crit so leave me some links!

Carving a Cubicle (name isn't finalized, i personally don't like this one)
It’s a small cubical
Filled to the brim with paper planes
Buried somewhere there might be
A man with some shame
And we dance so condescendingly
Directing the brunt of it at the village head
Maybe now he will listen to her
The witch of yonder homestead
Make-believable is what he wrote
In that tiny shell
A Christmas box cubical
Is where the dispatched fell
Now the evident march is coming to a halt
Seeing the lord-savior inverted by calls
Of a she-wolf

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill

Out of a million and one minutemen
He realizes who he is
A machine human hybrid
Where tips of fingers meet a board
Paved by limited keys
And born to write in code
So cry on the shoulder of the witch
She played a decent game
Maybe by December
You bonus will be sustained
But soon after the culling
You should leave this little town
Find yourself to her homestead
And maybe settle down?

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill

It’s a year in advanced
The townsfolk still wonder
What ever happened, to me?
this one is for you.
#2
Quote by Ebshabutiee


Carving a Cubicle (name isn't finalized, i personally don't like this one)
It’s a small cubical
Filled to the brim with paper planes
Buried somewhere there might be
A man with some shame
And we dance so condescendingly
Directing the brunt of it at the village head
Maybe now he will listen to her
The witch of yonder homestead
Make-believable is what he wrote
In that tiny shell
A Christmas box cubical
Is where the dispatched fell
Now the evident march is coming to a halt
Seeing the lord-savior inverted by calls
Of a she-wolf

Oh this was so incisive and evidently filled with deep and thought-provoked questions. "Christmas box cubical" was awesome, it's hard to believe that this is a song; very advance. My only problem here is the lack of punctuation, I guess that doesn't matter too much with lyrics but i would have liked to imagine that tune in my head, as would others I believe. But men, this was nice.

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill

the five B alliteration was wonderful. I haven't got much else to say about this except maybe you should try something else with the "itsy-bitsy" idea, maybe give it a little more slice, I would like to see what you will come up with. But it does make a nice chorus

Out of a million and one minutemen
He realizes who he is
A machine human hybrid
Where tips of fingers meet a board
Paved by limited keys
And born to write in code
So cry on the shoulder of the witch
She played a decent game
Maybe by December
You bonus will be sustained
But soon after the culling
You should leave this little town
Find yourself to her homestead
And maybe settle down?

Enjoyable, but this felt a little OTS, which might be the case for the whole of this piece, but this was a little more "noticeable"? Just fix some lines here and there and that's all.

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill

It’s a year in advanced
The townsfolk still wonder
What ever happened, to me?

This sounds like a pretty mutual and sentimental outro to what's been a pretty epic song's lyrics.


I've thoroughly enjoyed the two lyrics you've posted here thus far. I must say that I think you've posted better lyrics here in the past week than the majority that I've seen in two years so congrats my friend. Keep posting, I hope to hear more from you.
#3
Quote by Ebshabutiee
Second song on here! Actually got replies to my first one so woo ! Lets give a little background on how these are written. Usually the songs I have written where written like awhile ago and are slowly built upon. The ones I will be posting on this site are written on the spot then posted with very little editing. So these are raw. So all criticism is taken to heart and actually put to good use. As always Crit4crit so leave me some links!

Carving a Cubicle (name isn't finalized, i personally don't like this one)
It’s a small cubical
Filled to the brim with paper planes
Buried somewhere there might be
A man with some shame
And we dance so condescendingly
Directing the brunt of it at the village head
Maybe now he will listen to her
The witch of yonder homestead
Make-believable is what he wrote
In that tiny shell
A Christmas box cubical
Is where the dispatched fell
Now the evident march is coming to a halt
Seeing the lord-savior inverted by calls
Of a she-wolf
It's confusing; I'm still trying to figure out what the hell are you talking about, but I'm enjoying this all in all imagery

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill
I didn't like this that much... especially the last two lines "itsy-bitsy" is kind of lame and the witch of the hill looks like something from 80's power metal (ok, power metal in general).

Out of a million and one minutemen
He realizes who he is
A machine human hybrid
Where tips of fingers meet a board
Paved by limited keys
And born to write in code
So cry on the shoulder of the witch
She played a decent game
Maybe by December
You bonus will be sustained
But soon after the culling
You should leave this little town
Find yourself to her homestead
And maybe settle down?
Again, another great stanza to read, and still no clue about its meaning...

So bye bye bourbon smells
Because he burned his tavern down
Tried for some insurance money
But all he got was…
A small, itsy-bitsy curse
By the Witch on the hill

It’s a year in advanced
The townsfolk still wonder
What ever happened, to me?
I actually don't know...


So, I have to say I really liked your style. It has some mysticism to it. Now, I usually like ambiguous stuff, and this is no exception, but what you are trying to say here still bugs the hell out of me for not have discovered it...

Nonetheless, good job !
#4
Quite good, I liked it. I would change "Out of a million and one minutemen" to simply "out of a million minutemen," cause it just flows better and will give a better momentum into that stanza. The next lines there about the machine human hybrid are great.

Good ending. Sorry I don't have a whole lot else to say, thanks for reading mine.
We're only strays.