#1
Walking Home I Cracked

Walking home I cracked
a baguette in half in-
side its sheave, split that pack
let the fresh scent weave
a protective gauze
all round my head.

Bread casually under
my arm like a lance,
I squelch in glaur and
dodge the pedestrians
that pace the path.
This is a place of wrath:

Furious that the gray high-rise
and those cans, dropped like landmines,
make a bouncing baby bomb rebel
Like in that film with James Dean means

business as usual: racked.
let that smell flow round
watch it rise up, up
Escaping poor place.
Walking home, I cracked.

Been a bit lazy about critting when I don't have any stuff up, i'll try and change that, lol. Crit for crit anyway, obv.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
Last edited by meh! at Oct 10, 2008,
#2
I cant understand it ;(
read it many times and its making no sense. I feel like i'm trying to solve a puzzle.

Walking home I cracked
a baguette in half in-
side its sheave, split that pack


I had to look up what two of these words meant and its this phrase in particular thats not making much sense. I suggest rewording certain things.

business as usual, racked,
let that smell flow round
watch it rise up, up
Escaping poor place.
Walking home, I cracked.


I like this stanza because because its referring to the mysterious bread symbolism again? But it ends off with walking home, I cracked and I still have no idea what that means. Unless it was your intention I suggest clearing somethings up. Also, I have no idea what the word racked is doing there.
Thanks for teaching me some new words
#3
I liked it. I have a funny vision in my head of some guy walking down the street slaying people with his bread sword. sometimes it's best if people don't understand.
as long as you put it to good music and have a nice rhythm and melody anything can fly.
#4
Quote by meh!
Walking Home I Cracked

Walking home I cracked
a baguette in half in- get rid of the "-"
side its sheave, split that pack
let the fresh scent weave
a protective gauze
all round my head.

Bread casually under
my arm like a lance,
I squelch in glaur and
dodge the pedestrians
that pace the path.
This is a place of wrath:

Furious that that pebble-dashed pink
and those cans, placed like landmines,
make a bouncing baby bomb rebel
Like in that film with James Dean means A real tone shift from the piece. Is the double "that" a typo or intentional?

business as usual, racked,
let that smell flow round
watch it rise up, up
Escaping poor place.
Walking home, I cracked. I did wonder where this was going. make a bit more sense now.



For such a potentially interesting topic (someone going nuts) this is boring as shit. There is no connection to the character, and there is not a concrete enough idea here to grab our attention. it floats all over the place and you've really got to read it to even begin to grab onto something. You need to find a solid skeleton, expand your ideas, make it more INTERESTING! create some empathy, make us feel for the character. At the moment, this is a potentially good piece, but boring and bland, also rather cliched and boxy. Do something wierd and interesting. Sorry to be so harsh but i found that it helped me. And i can see potential here. Link in my sig "Nighttime"
#5
He's not supposed to be going nuts. For me at least, 'cracked' is more of a breakdown that, in this case, is fairly insular, ie 'cracked under the pressure' or something like that. Not throwing shit at the walls crazy, lol.

Anyway, thanks, i'll get back to yours.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
There wasn't enough of a pause before the last line. Maybe have it separately, though that may make it too much of a pun.

That's all I've got. This was nice. Nice like the smell of a freshly baked baguette that's just been cracked open
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
That was awesome. It was almost a very comedic piece. I usually find my biggest problem with short pieces is the rhyming but this worked really well with it. I really like how it starts with Walking home, I cracked, and how it ends with it.
Great work!

If you c4c either piece in my sig
this one is for you.
#8
I really enjoyed reading this, Stu. It's a very fresh kind of writing for me in S&L. There's something very simplistic and honest, yet not overly done, nothing but purely descriptive storytelling that has a rhythm and a smile to it.

I know this critique isn't worth much, but I just enjoyed it and don't really feel like looking into it too much as I thought it worked so well as a whole.

This is not a pipe
#9
This really funny, Stuart. Very fresh like Carmel mentions. Its rare to see a piece that is so unashamedly disquieted and irritated.
It doesn't require fancy metaphors and big in-depth analogies. Just the simple, underachieved, deceptively simple hilariousness.

That is one of many characteristics that makes you one of the most original writers on here. You write for the theme. You don't write for pretty words.

Digitally Clean
#10
Wow. This is really well done. The simplicity of the imagery and the theme itself is original and not drenched in emotion.. it gets the job done. The first two stanzas set up an amusing picture; I especially like it ending with 'This is a place of wrath:' as a turn of character.

I don't have much to say that's constructive, sorry
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