#1
c4c

this is untitled im still kinda working on it, here's what i got so far:

Now Girl, you got a grasp not well known to us
For the world you create, is unlike ordinary,
Much more complex, and much more fuss.

Now Girl, don’t escape us, you got short time
It’s become evident that not even light can live with us.
In a period of darkness you will find . . .

A mirror, a sword, and a puppets remorse
Slash through the worst
(The victims the murderer!)

in the face of the earth
the sin you now carry amongst yourself
will end us both


c4c, gimme a link though.
#2
Now Girl, you got a grasp not well known to us
For the world you create, is unlike ordinary,
Much more complex, and much more fuss.
This opening has an intriguing idea and I do like the somewhat awkward phrasing, it is done rather tastefully and works well with the wording.

Now Girl, don’t escape us, you got short time
It’s become evident that not even light can live with us.
In a period of darkness you will find . . .
I don't like your departure from the structure. You didn't go for the rhyme, and in such a short piece consistency is something you should strive for. The phrasing was also way too awkward. "You got short time" was on the verge of rap, which can be ok, but it's so far from the first stanza that I can't understand the change. I found this stanza as a whole a bit lacking in concept.

A mirror, a sword, and a puppets remorse
Slash through the worst
(The victims the murderer!)
Again, this part ties in with some concepts from the previous stanza, but it's very cut down and strays from the kind of wording you've used in the first stanza which I liked better. This stanza is more of concepts thrown into a mix but with no words to connect them together.

in the face of the earth
the sin you now carry amongst yourself
will end us both
Here you tie in the first stanza, which I like, but this piece felt like Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde for me. It was as if two different pieces were meshed together and I think you need to reconsider your choice of style.

This didn't work too well in my opinion. It felt like you had two (or more) ideas running around your head, both regarding the meaning and style of this piece, and you simply couldn't decide between the two.

Would be happy to get a return.
This is not a pipe