#1
Last post probably, before I go away for Thanksgiving, (Go Canada!). Any comments, will be returned probably on Tuesday, when I get back. I'm trying to work in a new style, so help will be appreciated!


I'm a monster, I think you'd know,
from my horror show antics to the way
I won't let you go. I've got a hold on you
(at least I think I do) and even though
you live across the sea I like to think
you think of me, and feel the way I do-
(miserably). You make me nervous
make me selfish, I wish I could just
hide you in my room at home
so I could have you all alone, not
have to let you out on loan like a
book from the library. I know you
don't like to hear me carry
on like this, might make you
hold back that kiss like a gift
from a man who knows
he's childish.

Is there anything I missed?
#2
Quote by rush4life
Last post probably, before I go away for Thanksgiving, (Go Canada!). Any comments, will be returned probably on Tuesday, when I get back. I'm trying to work in a new style, so help will be appreciated!


I'm a monster, I think you'd know,
from my horror show antics to the way
I won't let you go. I've got a hold on you
(at least I think I do) and even though
you live across the sea I like to think
you think of me, and feel the way I do-
(miserably). You make me nervous
make me selfish, I wish I could just
hide you in my room at home
so I could have you all alone, not
have to let you out on loan like a
book from the library. I know you
don't like to hear me carry
on like this, might make you
hold back that kiss like a gift
from a man who knows
he's childish.

Is there anything I missed?



"and even though
you live across the sea I like to think
you think of me"

That quote strikes a chord with me.
It really flows, although it kind of is a common refference, its still a great catchy line though.

Overall i like the poetry, but in some spots it really doesnt go.

Decent!
#3
I'm a monster, I think you'd know(1),
from my horror show antics to the way
I won't let you go. I've got a hold on you
(at least I think I do)(2) and even though
you live across the sea I like to think
you think of me, and feel the way I do-
(miserably)(3). You make me nervous
make me selfish, I wish I could just
hide you in my room at home
so I could have you all alone, not
have to let you out on loan like a
book from the library(4). I know you
don't like to hear me carry
on like this, might make you
hold back that kiss like a gift
from a man who knows
he's childish(5).

Is there anything I missed?(6)

  • I don't get the use of tenses here. I can't really think of how to fix it because I'm not sure what you want to stress more, but one of the tenses needs to be fixed.
  • I dislike the brackets. It's obvious this is some sort of speech intended at someone, and even if this was a soliloquy I still don't think the brackets are needed. It's awkward and redundant.
  • Same here, the brackets are just making this clumsy.
  • I thought this simile was a tad lame and unimaginative. I'm sorry, but this made me uncomfortable as I thought it was really bad.
  • I think the concept and meaning of this is either not ripe enough or perhaps I completely missed it. For me this piece started with the idea that the person is talking to his love interest as someone who doesn't really know who he is - someone who won't let her go. But here at the end you actually say you're talking to her and saying these things, which makes me think this is a bit of a paradox. Because of that, for me it would have been better to see something along the lines of "If you heard me carry on like this, you might hold back that kiss..." to match the theme you were going for in the beginning.
  • Didn't get the final line. Even if you meant to make it a bit more open for interpertation of the reader, I think it's something that's not suitable in this piece and you need to tighten the ending a bit more.


Now, I know that I've been extremely picky and it may seem as if I didn't really like this piece, but the ideas and wording (other than that awful simile) felt very honest and straightforward, which I liked and I enjoyed this kind of structure in your writing. It works well.
I honestly think it only needs a bit of refining and honing to make it truly a style you can master.

I'd appreciate your thoughts on my newest.
This is not a pipe
#4
Hey Darcy.

I did like the "I like to think you think of me" part.

I did not like the brackets.

I did not like the fact that you don't own up to that opening image. It lacks a build-on, a reference or something.

I did not like the line break with "carry"

I thought the imagery was pulled off well, the ending made it strong. I could relate to the feeling a lot.

I didn't find this awful at all, but sadly it didn't move me all that much. Good luck with everything. Except for that Toronto vs Mtl game tonight .

Mat