#1
OTS. c4c.

"A Re-Imagined Mediation on the Same Old Pain"

Ice.

The first time I saw her I felt a chill.
Blessed with the breadth and some holy figure's will.
She tore me apart. Piece by piece.
Just like winter whips and shattered teeth.
The metallic taste of understanding.
The petty layers underneath. Skin and muscle.
I found myself looking for warmth.

Fire.

I pressed my lips against her angled hips.
She burned bright like stars and dying sips at empty bars.
Tissue scarred and pulled apart and still I felt no harm.
Have no heart. Made no art. I lived only for her warmth.
I slept only for her chest, and spoke only for her breath.

Wind.

Like a spindle slipped, a taste of wonderment.
The breeze that carried these strings
Far from the puppetmaster's lowly hands.
I felt sick with the rush of good intent.
I wished for cyclones to carry us away.
Swirling for days, but knowing you'd be
Held dear and tender, with me. I wished
That each gust would destroy me and rest you
Next to the mess I'd become.

Earth.

The shore, shameless waves
Of toxin-filled sadness and corrosion.
An explosion of birth and death, earth and wet.
Your hands set gently across the slick grass of my
Ugly bed. I laugh quietly. I loved you to death.
Stupid literalist.


#2
tbh its beautiful as a poem and parts of it i could see as a song but not most. However on the positive side i loved the quiet symmetry of the seprate verses fire and earth, however i would reccomend re arranging some of it. However, i dont know the meaning behined it and would never judge that. Overall its a stirring peice of deep proportions and would rate it a solid 4/5
#3
I like the overall impression that this gave me i.e. human emotion being nothing more than a product of nature and not this magical entity.

I think you did it quite well, I usually feel constricted when I write under headings, but you kept it cohesive.

The only problem I had was the punctuation of certain things, for example:

She tore me apart. Piece by piece.
The petty layers underneath. Skin and muscle.
Have no heart. Made no art. I lived only for her warmth


Things like that. Are you sure you don't want to change those full stops to commas or semi-commas?

Here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=975223
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#4
Change the punctuation with the part the guy above said.

In fact, that was the main weak point. Cliche ideas and a not-so-great flow.

The overall feeling was great. A couple of other ideas (stars, bars) were almost as cliche as what I just mentioned, but I don't think they took as much away from the piece as that did.

But yeah, the feeling was great.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
"A Re-Imagined Mediation on the Same Old Pain"

Ice.

The first time I saw her I felt a chill.
Blessed with the breadth and some holy figure's will.
She tore me apart. Piece by piece.
Just like winter whips and shattered teeth.
The metallic taste of understanding.
The petty layers underneath. Skin and muscle.
I found myself looking for warmth.
I didn't like the obvious titling of the stanza(s). It would have been better embedded in the lines and I thought it was forcing the underline meaning too aggressively. Now, in respect to this specific stanza, I found the imagery very lacking in the sense it didn't represent "ice", nor in wording or any other aspect of writing. It was a bit of a let down. "Chill" and perhaps "winter" were the only words even reminiscent of anything cold. You even used "warmth" which was then repeated in the next stanza. I thought these stanzas would have been a lot more different than one another.

Fire.

I pressed my lips against her angled hips.
She burned bright like stars and dying sips at empty bars.
Tissue scarred and pulled apart and still I felt no harm.
Have no heart. Made no art. I lived only for her warmth.
I slept only for her chest, and spoke only for her breath.
I liked this stanza a lot better. You've played on fire as passion, as a harmful force that scars, as an element providing warmth and as something woven through life in many ways. It was a lot more subtle, it was playing on many levels and was miles better than the previous stanza. However, I felt the tone was still the same. The style hasn't changes either, which it doesn't need to, but I would have liked to see something in the structure, wording, style, ideas or intentions - to be a little different, something more to set the elements/stanzas apart.

Wind.

Like a spindle slipped, a taste of wonderment.
The breeze that carried these strings
Far from the puppetmaster's lowly hands.
I felt sick with the rush of good intent.
I wished for cyclones to carry us away.
Swirling for days, but knowing you'd be
Held dear and tender, with me. I wished
That each gust would destroy me and rest you
Next to the mess I'd become.
Now, you're getting better as this piece goes on. I loved the alliteration of the letter "S" throughout this stanza, it helped the idea of wind a lot and I thought it was cleverly done. I wish you'd have tried to combine more into this though, where you succeeded with one aspect, the alliteration, you failed with others that you've portrayed in the other stanzas. Again like in the first one, you've lost the wording and concept of wind. This felt heavy and over-thought, fragmented ideas and the general feeling of "wind" wasn't felt in the meaning behind the lines. If it wasn't titled I'd have a hard time guessing.

Earth.

The shore, shameless waves
Of toxin-filled sadness and corrosion.
An explosion of birth and death, earth and wet.
Your hands set gently across the slick grass of my
Ugly bed. I laugh quietly. I loved you to death.
Stupid literalist.

I think that reading throughout my other comments on the other stanzas, you have a pretty good idea what I'm going to say. This is not earth. This should be the ending, no doubt, but you're missing the Earth stanza altogether.

Now I know I've torn this apart quite a bit, but this is an OTS piece and I think it can be so much more. So much more. You have a great idea here that can be implemented in much a stronger and more conceptual manner. I was so excited when I saw the piece and as I started reading I was disappointed. I know you can take it to the next level. I just wish you would actually go for it and not leave it like this. It's a great piece, it deserves it.

By the way, I agree with Marc about this being a great interpretation of human emotion as nothing but a product of nature.

I'd appreciate anything you have to comment on my latest.
This is not a pipe
#8
Quote by NGD1313
OTS. c4c.

"A Re-Imagined Mediation on the Same Old Pain"

Ice.

The first time I saw her I felt a chill.
Blessed with the breadth and some holy figure's will.
She tore me apart. Piece by piece.
Just like winter whips and shattered teeth. Great image
The metallic taste of understanding.
The petty layers underneath. Skin and muscle.
I found myself looking for warmth.
Punctuation is choppy.

Fire.

I pressed my lips against her angled hips.
She burned bright like stars and dying sips at empty bars. Fantastic wordplay
Tissue scarred and pulled apart and still I felt no harm.
Have no heart. Made no art. I lived only for her warmth.
I slept only for her chest, and spoke only for her breath.
This stanza is great. Using commas instead of period might make it flow a little better, but it depends on what you were going for

Wind.

Like a spindle slipped, a taste of wonderment.
The breeze that carried these strings
Far from the puppetmaster's lowly hands. Could be changed to 'master's' rather than 'puppertmaster's'
I felt sick with the rush of good intent.
I wished for cyclones to carry us away.
Swirling for days, but knowing you'd be
Held dear and tender, with me. I wished
That each gust would destroy me and rest you
Next to the mess I'd become.
This epitomizes wind very, very well. Great job tying the metaphor to reality.

Earth.

The shore, shameless waves
Of toxin-filled sadness and corrosion.
An explosion of birth and death, earth and wet.
Your hands set gently across the slick grass of my
Ugly bed. I laugh quietly. I loved you to death.
Stupid literalist.
Earth? Not quite. Good idea though. This stanza could use a little work to match the two before it. Still choppy.




This has so many beautiful ideas weaved into it. The middle stanzas are golden and I think with some self-editing the first and last stanzas, this would be phenomenal. Really wonderful read. I think you could also imply the elements rather than titles the stanzas; it'd have a better effect on the piece IMO. Overall mood and feeling are fantastic.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
I really loved this. I could go on and on about it, but I'll just say that.

The only I thought of as weaker was
"I wished for cyclones to carry us away."

Apart from that it was beautiful.
#10
Carm and Vintage for the full crits. Really appreciate the comments too. Thanks guys. I've been on a bit of a drinking binge this weekend, but I'll return crits sometime during the week.
#11
I thought this was very enjoyable. Carmel pointed out some of the techincal stumblings but I think if you tried, you could make these ideas great (again, as she said).
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me