#1
Well This is this, a rough draft that is missing something, be gentle

These breaths i take show the past
of the damning of my soul
pulling dead weight through the current
fighting for things that you said were right.
i wonder what would have been
had we not dared to dream

You turned your back on us
walked away to dreams of a new life
not realizing that nothing you do
could make up for all the pain
of love turned away
nothing but love of a soul forsaken

Dreaming of a day to come,
of lights and flashbulbs burning
always looking forward now
to afraid of the dreams and revelations
[of] young love longing to take a chance
at making a life in a darkened world

Dreaming is for failures tho
hope is for the weak
and a life of everlasting
is for those without regrets
visions will haunt us now
forever we are souls forsaken
#2
I re-read this a couple times over the past months or whatever. I actually like it a lot.
Last edited by hellacool at Apr 23, 2009,
#3
It sounds very depressing and I think, if put to a more upbeat happier tune would breathe life into it. Saves the day is a good example of work like this. Same as you liked mine, I like the last stanza the most. You said it was a rough draft which would probably explain why I couldn't quite find a rhythm to the words, but, it does seem a little monotonous. Good work in progress, keep developing it.
#4
I like it! It has darkness though at some point it's too much darkness but still I would write music for this song
#5
Quote by Aurex
Well This is this, a rough draft that is missing something, be gentle

These breaths i take show the past
of the damning of my soul
pulling dead weight through the current
fighting for things that you said were right.
i wonder what would have been
had we not dared to dream

You turned your back on us
walked away to dreams of a new life
not realizing that nothing you do
could make up for all the pain
of love turned away
nothing but love of a soul forsaken

(this could be the chorus right here vv)

Dreaming of a day to come,
of lights and flashbulbs burning
always looking forward now
to afraid of the dreams and revelations
[of] young love longing to take a chance
at making a life in a darkened world

Dreaming is for failures though
hope is for the weak
and a life of everlasting
is for those without regrets
visions will haunt us now
forever we are souls forsaken



I love it, I was able to come up with a melody for the lyrics and all on the spot! I love it. The line "too afraid of the dreams and revelations" could be shortened down to "Too afraid of the dreams" The last verse is great though,"Dreaming is for failures though hope is for the weak" is a great line. I can think of this in a melodic death metal context or power metal, the last verse would sound awesome (at least in my head) with harsh vocals, later Chuck Schuldiner vocals to be exact. Again it sounds great, I really like it.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=979354
#6
Quote by hellacool
"fighting for things that you said were right" the only good lyric in the entire song.


wow that was constructive...

i really dislike the title
i find it grossly cliche
but its not up to me, so if you like it, then keep it
yes, the song could use some tweaking, but i cant really add anything to what's already been said
Quote by emoboy027
Is fingering an emo chick that likes yoy and that has fallen in love with you is it wrong to you to finger her during lunch outside in front of everyone at the high school? would you not care or lol even wish it was you?

Youztoobz
MIDI Magicalness!