#1
I posted the early version of this quite a while back, it's since been changed hugely, barely resembling the original. It's a poem.

Obviously crit for crit

The Brilliance of Our Next Meeting


The brilliance of our next meeting will be
The coming of the Messiah, the splitting of the sea
Will seem as mundane as the concerns of the people around us
Who will beg and will and pry and pull
But will not pierce the cocoon, which protects and keeps apart
And binds the two deserving
And stills the two hearts
That for so long were kept unnerving and unnerved
At ignorance reigning and injustice served
And shall be made of the finest silk that breathes
With glee and relief and fulfillment and tenacious intimacy
The sort that works and serves us and does not protest
That in wonder sees us and wants to be
As the warmth, oh the warmth; religious and invisible
Glowing and growing and provoking
Will make us perspire and shed
The demons, delusional devils and dread
And the god that broke us in half
Will look on ashamed
And mortified he will be, for the souls that he maimed
Possess more grandeur and a cryptic purity more rare
Than any crown he could ever wear
Mere scribbles will become his divine plan
His scepter a cane
And he an old man
A vagrant, a pauper forever doomed to roam
His majesty smashed and his wretchedness dethroned.
But all this be negated, disregarded and ignored
The maiming be forgotten, nullified, though they implore
And nothing left for anyone
Nothing left to miss
Nothing left to long for
Save a catharsis filled kiss.
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#2
Quote by JamesDouglas

Nothing left to miss
Nothing left to long for
Save a catharsis filled kiss.


I liked it! Your use of rhyming fit well with the poem. Usually when people try to make a smooth flow through a piece they tend to over-rhyme. I liked the use of religious figures in this. The messiah, the demons. A very 'Good vs Evil' vibe, but almost in a criticizing sense. Probably my favorite part was the end. The two 'nothing left...' line lead up than the well worded ending.
Overall a awesome job.

either of the pieces in my signature is good for crit4crit
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Oct 10, 2008,