#1
Crit4Crit
I wrote this song in kind of a non-conventional matter (it has no choruses but a hard instrumental session... kind of like in Fade to Black by Metallica.)

One Last Gift

[Intro]
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?
Surrender one last thing,
And
Hold me
Until the end
When your skeletons come marching in.


[Verse I]
Lies
Splattered on your veil
Piled up so high on your plate
They cripple me
And I fade…
Into abyss

I’m A

Slave
To your every whim
Rebellion starts taking hold
Now its time
To give…
One last gift

[Interlude]
And
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?

[Verse II]
Fate
Intended you for me
Hypocrisy, in all of its shapes,
Sharpening
The blade of
My misery

This
Blood
Seeping in the sheets
Forms a river under the bed.
Flowing,
Over your shame
Endlessly

Now tell me,
Do you feel the sting?
#2
Quote by B00bs

[Intro]
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?
Surrender one last thing,
And
Hold me
Until the end
When your skeletons come marching in.

This opening here, really grabs me and i don't know why. I love the phrasing you've used and i hope this is going to be in your softer intro.


[Verse I]
Lies
Splattered on your veil
Piled up so high on your plate
They cripple me
And I fade…
Into abyss


I’m A

Slave
To your every whim
Rebellion starts taking hold
Now its time
To give…
One last gift

If you keep the phrasing between the "i'm A..." and the "Slave" this could work great, The only bit im not sure of is the rebellion taking hold, wouldn't be my personal choice but this is you, not me


[Interlude]
And
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?

Simple and effective.

[Verse II]
Fate
Intended you for me
Hypocrisy, in all of its shapes,
Sharpening
The blade of
My misery

This
Blood
Seeping in the sheets
Forms a river under the bed.
Flowing,
Over your shame
Endlessly

Again, if you keep the phrasing like it is in my head. (Sharp breathy, almost like the held words in "Okay i believe you" by brand new, you have a cracking verse.


Now tell me,
Do you feel the sting?


I like it all, the phrasing will be great. I dont rate songs on a scale unfortunatley if thats what you want, but i think its good. get yourself an acoustic version and record it.

Crit for crit on my song "Addiction"?
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm now so drunk that even if my mom had given me a blow job at aeg 2, i'd be like I'm a pmp, butches.!

If this even madkes sense... if yhou sig this, Iw ll kill you.
#3
Thank you sir.... the verse is going to have a very sharp tone to it, if you know what i mean. And the last line of every verse will be 2 singers ina octave harmony.

I'll definitely check out your song.
#4
(You helped me out alot so here I am.) Man, its pretty good let me see if I can help you out some...
One Last Gift

[Intro]
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?
Surrender one last thing,
And
Hold me
Until the end
When your skeletons come marching in.

You know the Foo Fighters song "the pretender"? The whole "skeletons" part is in that song. Its not like its a copyrighted line or anything but I am suprised no ones said anything about it yet. Oh and I am from texas so "until the end" seems like it needs to be "til the end"...


[Verse I]
Lies
Splattered on your veil
Piled up so high on your plate
They cripple me
And I fade…
Into abyss

I’m A

Slave
To your every whim
Rebellion starts taking hold
Now its time
To give…
One last gift

What do you think about "to give back" instead of "to give"?

[Interlude]
And
Tell me,
Do you feel the sting?

[Verse II]
Fate
Intended you for me
Hypocrisy, in all of its shapes,
Sharpening
The blade of
My misery

Hypocrisy, that word goes really good here. Alot of this reminds me of Slipknot due to some of the words in here, btw that is not a bad thing, slipknots flippin awesome...
This
Blood
Seeping in the sheets
Forms a river under the bed.
Flowing,
Over your shame
Endlessly

It seems like theres a need for "endlessly " to be screamed, its just another good place for an outbreak into a solo filled with somthing heavier.

Now tell me,
Do you feel the sting?