#1
Evening S&L Community, aint stepped in here for yonks!.

I havent written in ages and i looked under my bed and found one of the songs i write like last year when i hit a "bad" patch. Here it is.

Addiction

Im tired of waiting
Let's just get this train wreck started
Pull me out so i can see the unprocessed,
speak the words of my predeceors
and claim them for my own.
Cause i just got tired of looking...

This is my invitation for this
I don't need you following
I just need you, to pick up the pieces.

Im working in weight now
and the fact this its worth twice the value of gold
Liquify my anguish,
whore my ambitions
This is my body, and my human right

Im dreaming of far away places,
And my minds Phasing
My soul presses to the surface
Don't ever ask for this
Im more than you can handle
My blood stream is my well,
And i'll poison it if i please.

Cause i just got tired of looking...
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm now so drunk that even if my mom had given me a blow job at aeg 2, i'd be like I'm a pmp, butches.!

If this even madkes sense... if yhou sig this, Iw ll kill you.
#2
Quote by cliff_em_all
Evening S&L Community, aint stepped in here for yonks!.

I havent written in ages and i looked under my bed and found one of the songs i write like last year when i hit a "bad" patch. Here it is.

Addiction

Im tired of waiting
Let's just get this train wreck started
Pull me out so i can see the unprocessed,
speak the words of my predeceors
and claim them for my own.
Cause i just got tired of looking...

In the very first line I would change tired to that of a different word, like sick, for example. Because when reading I found it to be redundant with the line "tired of looking." On the second line just isn't needed, personally I would change it to Let us get this train wreck started. It just seems to flow better.

This is my invitation for this
I don't need you following
I just need you, to pick up the pieces.

Something about this doesn't quite sit with me. Could just be me but maybe if u just jumbled some words around and still get the same meaning, like "This is my invitation for this" could be; "My invitation for this, is this"

Im working in weight now
and the fact this its worth twice the value of gold
Liquify my anguish,
whore my ambitions
This is my body, and my human right

Don't like the last line in particular, just the human right part. Dunno how you could change it to embody the same meaning.


Im dreaming of far away places,
And my minds Phasing
My soul presses to the surface
Don't ever ask for this
Im more than you can handle
My blood stream is my well,
And i'll poison it if i please.

This is good, I like it.

Cause i just got tired of looking...


Good finish, short and to the point. Like BAM!
#3
I see what you mean on the first tired part. great crit man well done will deffo take all of that on board.
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm now so drunk that even if my mom had given me a blow job at aeg 2, i'd be like I'm a pmp, butches.!

If this even madkes sense... if yhou sig this, Iw ll kill you.