#1
An early fall breeze tickles the nostrils
of dark bays and cliffs on the shore.
Entering the cavities, the wounded
rock walls plagued with caves, it gushes
inside them, spills out from the gashes
and races upon the tide and onto the sea.

The breeze, now a wind,
taunts the waves, calls the water
to fight for its name; element to element,
body of liquid to body of nothing but movement –
a mating dance, a sacred ritual of an ancient battle
declaring war on the spray of the sea, its tears of anger.

Some may call it a storm, this gathering force
that troubles and wakens from slumber
all the gages, ecstatic, anything but static.
And the sea gazes, glazed over by the sweeping
sweet whispers of the warm western winds,
provoking, enraging, enticing the watery flames
of the waves, which stay enslaved to the sea,
bounded by atoms aspiring upwards, in love
with the wind that can only carry but a few drops
onto the land where it cries back to the ground
for its lover the sea, that can never come on the journey
without severing all bridges of nature.

And if it could –

It will be the revolution that revolves around
their rotating rebellious body parts of water and air
that quiver to vibrating electric charges, exploding
on a subatomic level all around us and crash
the unstable ground under our very feet
as it becomes a landslide in front of our very open eyes,
gasping in amazement at the beautiful destruction

when sea and wind become one.
This is not a pipe
#3
it flows well...if u could, i would absolutely love if u checked my work out too....most importantly "all of your soldiers"...i think it would be good for u and me both.. but just saying...i like this song alot
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#4
Woah. You make a hurricane seem so charming. I'm totally movin' to New Orleans now!

Seriously though if only the weather man would be so eloquent. This was moving AND educational.

Like yeah. The way you described a gentle breeze on it's journey to becoming a desctructive force...simply marvelous.

You use the word "sea" like 6 or 7 times in this...but with the subject matter I suppose it's understandable.But maybe find a few similies.

Once again, I really dig this. Great freakin' read!

(c4c "Honk if you Love Peace & Quiet" if you get the chance. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!)
#5
I thought the third verse, before this bit - " in love
with the wind that can only carry but a few drops
onto the land where it cries back to the ground
for its lover the sea, that can never come on the journey
without severing all bridges of nature. " - was just repeating what you had already said. Detracts from it, if you ask me.

The last verse was too much of a tongue twister. I guess it coincides with the ever evolving nature of wind and water.
I also thought your last line was cliched.

This was great, up until the third verse and onwards. I would of preferred to off left it after the ending of the second stanza and allowed my thoughts to cogitate on what I had just read: What relevance the title had on the piece, what relation the wind and water has on each other, on life, persons and relationships.
Of course, if you were to do that, you would have to alter the introduction and the second verse to cope with an abrupt ending like that, but that's what I wanted. Storms are unexpected, varied and crazy... I felt non of that. It read all too sweetly and tenderly.
Its typically beautiful and you feel the sense of beauty that comes along with it, but that's where it ends.

I don't know if I have explained myself properly. This is one of the pieces that I like, but don't know why I don't love.

Digitally Clean
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I don't know if I have explained myself properly. This is one of the pieces that I like, but don't know why I don't love.


You've completely missed the point, that's probably why. First of all the only relation to storm in this piece is in the line "some may call it a storm". It wasn't even suggested it actually was. Therefore I find anything you said in this regard totally redundant. What you thought was "storm", I call "love". And no, I don't think it was repeating what I already said.

I also think your idea of dropping the entire second half of the piece, after the second stanza, is insulting to the piece and to me. You have ideas you want to suggest regarding the second part, go ahead, but telling me you'd prefer not to read half of it is extremely offensive. It's not your piece to discard over half of it.

Saying all that, I'm not offended personally, I just think your critique was extremely inappropriate.

I'll be returning critiques over the weekend.
This is not a pipe
#7
I agree with Zach on the static/ecstatic point. After many, many reads that's the only thing about this that I don't think is incredible.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I think you either went to intricately into the metaphor in the second half of the piece, or the attention to detail was just too much to hold my interest at my time, one of the two.

But your sentiments were great.

Through you could have made the penultimate stanza (revolution...) much sexier and more electric, imo.

<3 post
#9
Carmel,

The last stanza was by far my favourite part of the piece. It wrapped it all up so well, gave it a meaning and moreover, a purpose. The images you draw are vivid and complex, without feeling mechanic or unnatural.

Your closure, "when sea and wind become one" means a whole lot. I see co-influence instead of war/battle/whatever. I wanted to write about this for a while but never could come up with anything.

I truly appreciated that piece. Many thanks.

Mat
#10
Is gage another way of spelling gauge or is the odd archaich word that I found when I looked up 'gages' intended?


Anyway, I thought this was a great metaphor for love. The core image of sea if just always going to be powerful and lend it extra force and it works so well here. I can't think of much to criticse to be honest. I really like the last part, when it starts to focus in on the smallest and most important things like atoms and charges that's the ... strongest part, for me.

I don't like reading out loud 'estatic' then 'static'.

meh, I had a couple of things down but I read it again and it was just me reading it badly. Oh well, i have no criticism, so GET IT UP YE.

lol
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#11
I understand that the storm is not just talking about a "storm", I do see the relation to "love", as you say. That's not what I had conceived, but I can see where you are coming from.

Sorry if I came across as forceful, just expressing myself too harshly probably. I'll know for next time.
Cheers for explaining yourself accurately. I prefer it when people honestly explain how they feel about what I may of said. Mistakes are the best way to learn, I guess.
#12
This was purely awesome. I was loving it the whole way through and the ending didn't disappoint.

Much love.
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#13
Quote by circular.parade
Carmel,

The last stanza was by far my favourite part of the piece. It wrapped it all up so well, gave it a meaning and moreover, a purpose. The images you draw are vivid and complex, without feeling mechanic or unnatural.

Your closure, "when sea and wind become one" means a whole lot. I see co-influence instead of war/battle/whatever. I wanted to write about this for a while but never could come up with anything.

I truly appreciated that piece. Many thanks.

Mat


I truly dont mean to belittle your post (or personal connotations therein) by saying this Mathieu but I truly agree with every single thing you said here and I feel no need to add much to any of the sentiments you raised. Your post said nearly everything that I would want to and so I wish to just quote you in place of parroting because this was very well stated.

I would add though Carmel: to use an encompassing, grandiose, "loaded" term like Revolution as the title to a piece the piece really has to earn it. I guarentee I could not find a single person I know who knows anything about poetry who could honestly say that this piece did not do that. In fact, I could probably find a few who will never think about the word the same way again, me being one of them.

"And if it could..." really was breathtaking, or, at least, incredibly powerful.

most deserved Wotw. this is what I pictured when the idea first came to surface and began to be implemented and this was really the best piece of the week. congrats.

-Dylan <3
#14
Quote by ZanasCross

Wow, wow wow wow wow wow wow.


If I may add one thing.... Wow.

Purely pure.

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#15
grats Carrhmel.

you don't need my words on this
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
=/
honestly, i didn't like this much.
not too be the odd person out (or maybe to be, idk?)
but i couldn't believe this.

and no one take that out of context and say 'it's poetry... why does it have to be believeable?' etc

i'm hoping someone gets how i while, and whether they agree or disagree as to how they feel towards this, i just couldn't get past how it was written.

i can't add much to back up my words, a) because it's too late and i just got home and i'm tired, and b) i doubt anyone would care.

'grats on wotw.
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#17
^read it again. and i mean really read it, not just the begining. take the piece out of the context of a web-forum, read it aloud, treat it as a poem in a book, then see if your mood on the piece changes.

this keeps giving me chills

"body of liquid to body of nothing but movement – "
#18
I'm finally back from Thanksgiving, I guess I got here too late to criticize...

Really the WotW says it all. It's been awhile since I've read something that's just beautiful, and it was pretty breathtaking at times. I don't have any bones to pick, everything has pretty much been said above. Let me know when I can read something I might have a problem with

(Thanks for reading mine, I'd reply in that thread, but I don't want to bump an old piece )
#19
An early fall breeze tickles the nostrils
of dark bays and cliffs on the shore


right away I groaned at the beginning. I knew the rest of it would be like this, personification, personification, personification. ‘An early fall breeze’ is a cliché – it is, totally. And something tickling nostrils? Blah dreck blah I never want to read the words ‘tickling the or ‘my’ nostrils ever again, one reason being it’s always been used by crap whimsey to describe the smell of mother cooking apple pie or fresh bread or cakes in the kitchen by an overly nostalgic writer or some such sheiss.

Entering the cavities, the wounded
rock walls plagued with caves, it gushes
inside them, spills out from the gashes
and races upon the tide and onto the sea.


these four lines are very cool. I was thinking about them today at work, and it just gives you such a cool mental image. And I actually kind of liked the personification of rock walls being wounded, i.e. little cavities here and there. I’ll warn you – it’s the only instance of personification I liked in this piece.

The breeze, now a wind,

I really dislike reading about – ooh, ‘the breeze’ turns into ‘a wind’ and it’s so beautiful – read on reader! I’ll tell you about things you’ve never known in your wildest dreams! – cringe me

taunts the waves, calls the water
to fight for its name; element to element,


our first moment on our slide of dripping queasy personification. the breeze ‘taunts’ the waves, and ‘calls out to the water’ (harooooo! hallaaaay! I’m the LOUUDDD WINNNND! hear me water!) three instances of personification bam bam bam, and in my opinion none of them work. element to element isn’t bad.

body of liquid to body of nothing but movement –


this is good. it plays down so much the sea in a cool way, and you can really picture how it looks, I’m thinking at night, like looking over it from the cliffs above, all of it just moving, and to you that’s all it is – it isn’t water, it’s beauty in movement, and this line is a really cool line in how it describes that feeling of watching the night sea.

a mating dance, a sacred ritual of an ancient battle


but Lord Almighty, this line is just abhorrent. ‘a mating dance’ is not only cliché, it makes me want to punch the wall just for reading it in this kind of context – the air and sea, - but it actually gets worse…… ‘a sacred ritual of an ancient battle’ heilege scheisse this line is so bad, sacred rituals, ancient battles, Conan the Barbarian and Worf in Star Trek and the Mayans and rituals and hippies and let’s all take peyote and find ourselves and then the next day go to Starbucks. So cliché and god it’s like swallowing a rock trying to like this line.

declaring war on the spray of the sea, its tears of anger.

personif- I’m not even writing it anymore. From now on, it’s ‘P’. ‘declaring war on the sea’ is just, ah, that sucked,…, but then followed with , oh, ‘tears’ God this line sucked too, and was maybe even worse. how that’s possible I don’t even know, but it was.


Some may call it a storm, this gathering force
that troubles and wakens from slumber


Gargamel says: "Ravage the land as never before, total destruction from mountain to shore!"

all the gages, ecstatic, anything but static.

‘gages’? give me a break. who even knows what you mean by that. archaic and totally unclear. unless you mean a glove that a knight throws down to start a fight. but that’d be archaic too. just write challenges, or whatever other synonym. ‘ecstatic (‘P&rsquo, anything but static’. This part of this line is so obvious and is ham fisted in how obvious it is.

And the sea gazes, glazed over by the sweeping
sweet whispers of the warm western winds,


didn’t like this, see above, but ‘warm western winds’ is nonsense. If anything, the warm winds are the eastern ones. So not only does ‘sweet whispers’ suck and will always suck no matter what the context unless you’re talking about a girl or a guy actually ‘whispering sweet’ or what ever (if you’re genius enough to make that one work), those two words together will always just suck on it’s face as long as the English language lives.

provoking, enraging, enticing the watery flames
of the waves, which stay enslaved to the sea,


sucked. ‘P’. ooh, entice me baby and- oh wait, it’s the god damn wind again. but I will say ‘watery flames of the waves’ is a cool 5 word sentence in it’s self. But just as fast it’s over and - oh, poor little waves, the sea won’t let them become little free wave beings, oh, I feel so sorry for them they’re so enslaved. Quatsch

bounded by atoms aspiring upwards, in love

‘bounded by atoms aspiring upwards’ is cool, but it gets as cliché as it can possibly get by saying ‘in love’. Gawd. spoon me with a gag.

with the wind that can only carry but a few drops
onto the land where it cries back to the ground
for its lover the sea, that can never come on the journey


the bad-ness of these three lines is compounded by the fact that I actually get what you are trying to say. oh, the journey of the wind-person is a journey the sea-person can never take except for some droplets that go ‘wheeeeee!’ on their way down. so bad

without severing all bridges of nature.


I don’t know why, but this sentence taken without the context of the other three lines that come right before it because they’re so bad – this sentence is kind of cool.

And if it could –

‘it’. bah humbug.

It will be the revolution that revolves around
their rotating rebellious body parts of water and air


I get it. Water and air are two people. they’re having a revolution. yeah yeah ok whatever get away from me

that quiver to vibrating electric charges, exploding
on a subatomic level all around us and crash


these two lines are definitely pretty cool. kind of gives an idea of a quiver in space of some sort reverberating faster and faster until it goes electric and makes electricity it’s getting so crazy fast and then at the end ‘BOOM!’ and it just explodes. That’s such a cool clear image, and then the next line in that it’s at a ‘subatomic’ level, which is a cool direction to go in, and the transition between a clear vivid mental picture of an explosion turned into something ‘subatomic’ definitely agrees with me, and then, - furthermore, it’s all around us! and it crashes! very cool very cool.

the unstable ground under our very feet

yeah I get it, we’re floating in space, tinges of cliché in this line

as it becomes a landslide in front of our very open eyes,
gasping in amazement at the beautiful destruction


I don’t dislike these two lines in relation to lines 3-5 of this last stanza, but there’s nothing I really get out of them, either.

when sea and wind become one.

you can probably guess what I think of this ending. it’s like squeezing two pennies into one penny in a vice or 'fill in the blank' with combining two things that can't possibly be combined and it hurts my brain just to entertain such ideas... unpleasant.

my edit is:

*removed*

there. that’s better. I think in it’s edited form, there is something special here. A good title would really tie this together. Perhaps (I’m quite sure) you might (you will) disagree.
Last edited by parkt921k at Oct 15, 2008,
#20
Now. You might ask, “what’s this guy’s problem? I don't know him, he spent quite some time just tearing this piece apart. Doesn’t he have anything better to do? It’s not like he’s been posting for years (and actually I have under other screen names), and his stuff probably sucks anyway.” Well, here’s why:


I also think your idea of dropping the entire second half of the piece, after the second stanza, is insulting to the piece and to me.


“Insulting to the piece”???????? are you ***king kidding me? Insulting – to the piece? that is such such a narcissistic “me me me - I’m a genius can’t you see?” kind of a thing to say. What?- like your piece has feelings that it can be insulted? Like it is such a vaunted piece in the literary canon that to criticize it is to criticize yourself? This sort of thing applies to things like ‘Mr. William Shakespeares Comedies Histories & Tragedies’, or the collected works of Emily Dickinson or Charles Bukowski. But to your piece here? God that made me angry. You can't talk about your stuff in such a way. You should know that. I’ll say with certainty that nobody on UG.com does.

then there was:

telling me you'd prefer not to read half of it is extremely offensive


‘extremely’? oh give me drama or give me death. chill out. just the word ‘offensive’ would have worked. but I also think ‘offensive’ is too strong a word that you said here too. something like ‘telling me you’d prefer not to read half of it is something that I do not agree with’. using ‘extremely offensive’ here just makes you look kind of like a dick.

and then:

It's not your piece to discard over half of it.


excuse me, but what is the point of this entire forum? anybody and everybody on here can discard half or one third or two thirds or 63/64ths if they want of absolutely any part of any piece, and they should feel free to be able to do it without being berated for expressing their honest opinions.

and this all was followed by:

Saying all that, I'm not offended personally, I just think your critique was extremely inappropriate.


extremely inappropriate. I read the comment in question, and nothing about it is inappropriate, much less extremely inappropriate. You can’t twist someone’s arm on here and make them say “ok ok ok unkie palindrome I like what you posted I like what you posted I like what you posted”. And since you are a long time member and have honorable standing on this forum, saying such things can only be seen as a sort of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all, and if you do, there may be some consequences down the road, - such as good luck getting a WOTW or a WOTM buddy, I have pull, and I can GUARANTEE you I will never grace one of your posts with a comment in the future.

man.

____

but since this is your WOTW and I was not pleasant to you, I will say again, that in the edited version above that I did, that probably only I agree with myself about, I like it. I like it quite a lot.

___

Last edited by parkt921k at Oct 15, 2008,
#21
Quote by parkt921k
I can GUARANTEE you I will never grace one of your posts with a comment in the future.


That would be because you're now perma banned.

Edit: For being a multi of course.
This is not a pipe
#22
Wow. I love the piece. I don't know what that guy was talking about. I loved reading it. Your words painted such vivid pictures in my mind. My stuff is no where as deep as yours, but I hope sometime you'll give me a crit. I would love to hear what you think of it. I'm definately going to be checking out your stuff from now on.
#23
Thanks for everything guys. I know I'm not posting much these days so this means a lot. Other than that I will be critiquing whoever I didn't get to yet. I promise.

This is not a pipe