#1
Plz Critique/feedback i love readin what u guys think bout it
ALL FOUR WHEELS
VeRsE 1
You want to be there, but you dont care; You just want to be around
To see if you'll gain, from all of my pain; Just sit without a sound.
When you try and fake, it makes me shake 'cuz I know it's all pretend
You say yes to me, but we can all see; Your not staying until the end.
You're by my side, just staying for the ride; Couldn't wait to get away
Life's a roller coaster, but power engrossed her; taking control everyday.
She's gaining in greed, but losing the lead; Which one is more important to you?
I know what she'd choose, that's why she'd lose; I still know what I'd do.
I'd

ChOrUs
Take my time and make my decision
Never take a step without perfect precision
The decision is clear when the light turns red
But you still go anyways to try and get ahead
You Don't care how others might feel
As long as you're rolling on ALL FOUR WHEELS

VeRsE 2
You've got it all, but your one downfall is having no one on your team
Don't want to share, what a nightmare; going back to my dream
Of you and your old ways back in the old days when you wer one of us
NowYou'veGoneDownYourOwnPath,ToFaceTheWrath;There'sNoMore to discuss
These days go by, you're still not shy to take everything you can
Been another year, won't shed another tear 'cuz you just turned and ran
Not what you should've done, but my advice was shun for the very last time
Didn't give in, 'cuz i know it's a sin to commit such a deadly crime
I'll just (go to chorus)

VeRsE 3
You're sitting by the phone, there all alone but no one's going to call
NowYouUnderstand,ButIt'sTooLateYou'reBanned;NoOneIsHelpingYouWinThisBrawl
They all left you, right on cue when you need them most
YouSearchNearAndFarForYourShootingStarButFindNothing from coast to coast
It's a little late to decide your fate; Everyone is gone
Doesn'tMatterNow,DoesntMatterHow;ButYou know now you know you're wrong
I tried to warn you to (go to chorus)
Last edited by Lead Guitar23 at Nov 15, 2008,
#2
Good rhyme scheme you have going on here, and pretty good idea of what the song is about. My only worry is you'll have to make this hella fast so it doesn't drag on and get overly long. It would be great if you could crit my song in my sig.
#3
Quote by B00bs
Good rhyme scheme you have going on here, and pretty good idea of what the song is about. My only worry is you'll have to make this hella fast so it doesn't drag on and get overly long. It would be great if you could crit my song in my sig.



hey thanks for the comment:

yea i wrote this about how some ppl arent ther for you, how they are there for themselves and guess wat? when it comes down to it, most likely no1 will be ther to give u another chance. so this song is about how u should do something because its right, not for your own selfish gains

and about the length of the song: thank you my friend was sayin that to me but i said nah itll be fine. but now i guess u guys r right. it is a lil long... ill edit it a lil to shorten it

thank for the comments keep em comin guys
#4
I disagree with "boobs" (the user not boobs in general...!) I think some of this over-rhymed and it takes away from what is actually a very interesting piece to read. I'm not one of those people who go around spouting out crap about forced rhyming, I love rhyme! but I think some pieces dont need to rely on rhyme quite so much and this is one of them, I think rythmn and subject can carry it alone and that some of the rhyme is a little predictable. How many times have I typed rhyme so far?

I do think it could do with a little edit to simply shorten and round up the subject so whilst you're at it maybe you could think of ways to say certain parts without needing them to rhyme? I do like this though, it's easy to see that you have talent.

return crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=980465
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#5
Quote by damn-right!
I disagree with "boobs" (the user not boobs in general...!) I think some of this over-rhymed and it takes away from what is actually a very interesting piece to read. I'm not one of those people who go around spouting out crap about forced rhyming, I love rhyme! but I think some pieces dont need to rely on rhyme quite so much and this is one of them, I think rythmn and subject can carry it alone and that some of the rhyme is a little predictable. How many times have I typed rhyme so far?

I do think it could do with a little edit to simply shorten and round up the subject so whilst you're at it maybe you could think of ways to say certain parts without needing them to rhyme? I do like this though, it's easy to see that you have talent.

return crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=980465



Hey man, thanks so much for the comment, that last part about talent made me feel good and the first sentence about b00bs made me laugh a lil. anyways:

as i said before i will edit this song to make it shorter. I guess I did sometimes force the rhymes, so I may revise it in that aspect making it not seem like im forcing the words. Anyways, this was a great critique/feedback. Thank you so much. Add me to your friends list.
#6
consider yourself added, as for forcing rhymes, I do it all the time. Sometimes I cant help myself. problem is if you force it, it ends up sounding forced. Just gotta be patient and let it flow, I'm the biggest hypocrit for this though it's hard work getting across what you want to say in the way you want to say.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#7
I'm in two minds over this. For what this piece is, I think it needs that rhyming driving the rhythm and flow of this piece. I'm hearing Bare Naked Ladies or Smashmouth rap/singing/talking thing with this song. That really fast spewing forth of lyrics all blending into each other and sounding super cool. But I agree with damn-right as well, it eneds to be shorter. Maybe drop the last verse. And some of the rhymes could be played around with, jsut to make them less predictable. A fun piece to read, I enjoyed it. TOp one in my sig if u wanna C4C
#8
Quote by kdownes
I'm in two minds over this. For what this piece is, I think it needs that rhyming driving the rhythm and flow of this piece. I'm hearing Bare Naked Ladies or Smashmouth rap/singing/talking thing with this song. That really fast spewing forth of lyrics all blending into each other and sounding super cool. But I agree with damn-right as well, it eneds to be shorter. Maybe drop the last verse. And some of the rhymes could be played around with, jsut to make them less predictable. A fun piece to read, I enjoyed it. TOp one in my sig if u wanna C4C


Hey thanks for the critique/feedback:

i agree with you almost 100 percent. personally I think this song needsd the rhyming pattern it has or else it won't sound the same. I am actually in the process of shortening it (whenever i get sometime to myself) and making it sound crisper and not making it drag on forever. thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it
#10
Okay, the only thing is that some of the rhymes sound forced. Otherwise I like it. Remember that not every line has to rhyme, unless you're Hannah Mantanna or the Jonas Brothers. But my songs are in my sig. Pick whichever, or all if you like. And I don't think you're supposed to bump on the song stuff. You could get your thread shut down, or warned or something. Just trying to help.
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MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#11
Quote by Rockstar729
Okay, the only thing is that some of the rhymes sound forced. Otherwise I like it. Remember that not every line has to rhyme, unless you're Hannah Mantanna or the Jonas Brothers. But my songs are in my sig. Pick whichever, or all if you like. And I don't think you're supposed to bump on the song stuff. You could get your thread shut down, or warned or something. Just trying to help.



hey man thanks for the warning i didnt know u couldnt do that anyways:

in my opinion for this song to keep the kind of rhythm it has, it needs that rhyming. lol no i dont like hannah montana or anything, but I think it needs the rhyme. thanks so much for the comment and warning. Add me.
#12
Read the rules of this forum please. I'll leave it open since it's already in full swing. If you do it again it's a warning.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
Quote by The Hurt Within
Read the rules of this forum please. I'll leave it open since it's already in full swing. If you do it again it's a warning.


thank you sooo much i swear i had no idea u couldnt do that
#18
Quote by Rockin2TheOldez
wow this is actually very well written with a great rhyming pattern great job


hey thx man i love hearin wat u guys say keep it comin
#19
its real good to me it seems like it would have to have fast vocals like the end of the world as we know it by rem its good
Quote by L2112Lif
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#20
Hey, I loved it, best I've read for a while! And about everyone telling you to shorten it, DON'T! There's nothing you can afford to lose in this song, everything is perfect, there isn't anything that stands out too much. And I wouldn't sing it fast, take your time, I've got a couple of songs I like to listen to that are well over six minutes, so don't worry about that aspect. Brilliant job mate! If you could crit any of my songs I would appreciate it! Preferably Someone Else's Eyes, just click the link in my sig! Thanks and well done it was a pleasure to read
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
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God Dammit Woman
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