#1
Work in serious progress. This was really on-the-spot and I know the rhythm is kind of off. I want to rewrite it so be as harsh as you'd like to with the criticism


Blue ain't defined by the skies
'Cause when the sun comes up, we think we see the light
When we're really just blinded

I wanna see what the morning star is like from far away
Will it show me the same world the other stars do?
'Cause I can't see them when I've got this babe in my way

It puffs its chest and shows itself to me like it's better than the rest
Blanketing the universe and revealing what's in front of me
Long and winding black rivers
Gasoline puffers
Holes in the ozone

But baby, the sun is only average
And it may light this world, but
I'm gonna crawl right through that ozone hole and take a big breath of nothing
'Cause beyond this cage of oxygen and
Beyond this big bright star
Are brighter, better stars
And different beautiful worlds
I catch a glimpse when the sun goes down
And the real big boys bat their twinkling eyelashes
I can see the current world in a mirror in the clouds
And I see peace
While that big shiny rock in the sky reflect's love's memories

Those big shots that manage to wave
From so very far away
Are living history, the past
But show so me so much hope for the future
I'm gonna bathe in black and swim towards them
'Til I get past Pluto

So the sky ain't really blue
Blue is a flash of your eyes
And the werewolf howl I let out at night
A shake of the bones
The sun's little trick

I'm gonna hop into my rocketship and sail
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
this was, like, really cool.
When I hit 'em from the back, I got them mami's saying dammit man.


When I put it in their mouth, I got them mami's saying duh-huh-huh-muhh.
#4
Quote by KickOutTheJamsX
this was, like, really cool.

gtfo, phirrip.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Wow I also love writing songs about the universe and stuff.

You've got some good ideas there, when you rewrite it with a rhythm it will be much better as it will all flow.

I really liked the line "I'm gonna bathe in black" for some reason, please don't change that!

One part I didn't understand was "But show so me so much hope for the future". Typo maybe? Hehe.
#6
I stopped reading at the first line at "ain't." Let me start over.

Beyond this big bright star
Are brighter, better stars
I would change this to "...Are bigger, brighter stars"

Overall I like it and can sense that you know a bit about astronomy.
Quote by Grundy0
Never forget what really matters in life, friends and family.
Team Pale Yellow?
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||(~)||



Mom <3
#7
What kind of music are you aiming at here? I guess it's not metal, so my imput will be a bit limited.

Blue ain't defined by the skies
'Cause when the sun comes up, we think we see the light
When we're really just blinded

First part sounds good.

I wanna see what the morning star is like from far away
Will it show me the same world the other stars do?
'Cause I can't see them when I've got this babe in my way

This part sounds a little forced to me; I'd consider something a bit more direct like

I wanna se the morning star from far away
Will my visions of the world remain the same
It puffs its chest and shows itself to me like it's better than the rest
Blanketing the universe and revealing what's in front of me
Long and winding black rivers
Gasoline puffers
Holes in the ozone

The same thing here:
It puffs it's chest
Like it's better than the rest
A blanket in the blue
Revealing, guiding me through

Or something, don't mind the exact words (I'm just crazy brainstorming ), but the phrasing and such.


That was just the first part, obviously, but since I don't know if I'm even helping at all I guess I'll stop there for now.
#8
Quote by vintage x metal
I'm just gonna go through and rape this with as much force and as little lube as possible. So you are pre-warned.


Blue ain't defined by the skies
'Cause when the sun comes up, we think we see the light
When we're really just blinded

Let's stop here. I, umm, hated all of this. This is the type of metaphorical garbage that stoner songs are made of. There is nothing behind this. There is no real content outside of "We don't know what's going on." I have no interest in this piece at all so far; and I can see form your next bit that its going to sort of jump off in a completely different direction. So why open with something like this? It doesn't seemingly directly connect to the next section save for a star reference; and it doesn't add much to the content... if anything.

I wanna see what the morning star is like from far away
Will it show me the same world the other stars do?
'Cause I can't see them when I've got this babe in my way

Two stanzas in and I still have nothing to grasp onto. Some philosophical goop mixed with some form of sappy metaphor for... umm... something. Who/what is babe? So far you've given absolutely zero concrete content, and alluded to a bunch like we're supposed to get it.

It puffs its chest and shows itself to me like it's better than the rest
Blanketing the universe and revealing what's in front of me
Long and winding black rivers
Gasoline puffers
Holes in the ozone

Sweet... more undefined pronouns and more "spacey" images with no content. I can guess this is the sun... what are black rivers? Gasoline puffers is awful. So terribly cheesy and generally just an image that makes me think of Dr. Seuss. Those last three lines are despicable; empty imagery... that tries to sound much more interesting than it is. Also, the first line, all the personification its all just so... cheesy. It all screams "I JUST LEARNED HOW TO PERSONIFY, YEY!" and it really puts me off. You want your imagery to flow with the piece... to build the piece into a masterpiece, not sit outside of it and yell at the reader like "HI. I'm an image. My name is chest puffing. How are you?" It needs to merge with your content so that the reader doesn't feel like he is being screamed at by every image. they need to be subtle and sit inside the piece so that it makes the piece better and more interesting while seemingly not even being there. It needs to feel integrated, like taking it out would make the piece not whole. This isn't doing that.

But baby, the sun is only average
And it may light this world, but
I'm gonna crawl right through that ozone hole and take a big breath of nothing
'Cause beyond this cage of oxygen and
Beyond this big bright star
Are brighter, better stars
And different beautiful worlds
I catch a glimpse when the sun goes down
And the real big boys bat their twinkling eyelashes
I can see the current world in a mirror in the clouds
And I see peace
While that big shiny rock in the sky reflect's love's memories

Those big shots that manage to wave
From so very far away
Are living history, the past
But show so me so much hope for the future
I'm gonna bathe in black and swim towards them
'Til I get past Pluto

So the sky ain't really blue
Blue is a flash of your eyes
And the werewolf howl I let out at night
A shake of the bones
The sun's little trick

I'm gonna hop into my rocketship and sail


I'm just jumping down here... no reason to be a broken record.

This piece was full of over the top imagery that stood out from the piece and was so cheesy and generally elementary that I couldn't take it. Each image screamed out IMAGE instead of just doing its job. Like a barber that yells "BARBER" everytime he takes a snip at your hair; it just became annoying. You need to work on setting your images. Framing them with a frame that matches the theme of the piece and then letting htem hang on the wall and tell a story about whatever the wall is supposed to tell me. Right now its like having a BRIGHT orange frame around every picture and having a deep red paint on the wall... I'm so distracted by the framing that the imagery doesn't matter at all because I already know its a picture. I can't appreciate what's in the picture because the framing has already told me... this isn't real.

You also need content. This was full of undefined pronouns, half-thoughts, and unused imagery. Nothing conveyed a point. I never connected to anything, throughout the entire piece. I tried to latch onto characters, but you gave me nothing. I tried to latch onto the narrator, but I loathed her because of the tone and lack of refinement in voice. The voice was sporadic throughout, and never really clamped down and gave me a good tone to follow along. I tied to latch onto a story, but you didn't give me that either. Instead you gave me a list of "witty" images such as climbing through the ozone and a mild philosophical ramblings about light and stars and lord knows what else. I wanted something tangible. In a piece that is all about imaginary imagery and whatnot, I needed at least something to ground it all down so that it felt like it was something I should be experiencing or at least care about, and i didn't even have that.

it was harsh. Hopefully it helps you to grow as a writer.

-zC
#9
FINALLY
Thank you so much. I hate how this is written and having specific hate is a lot easier to work off of.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
Quote by vintage x metal
Work in serious progress. This was really on-the-spot and I know the rhythm is kind of off. I want to rewrite it so be as harsh as you'd like to with the criticism


Blue ain't defined by the skies
'Cause when the sun comes up, we think we see the light
When we're really just blinded
Don't like "ain't" for a start. I kinda like the idea, it's very simplistic in a sort of complicated way. It did actually take me a few reads to fully fathom what on earth you were saying. It's an interesting idea, just not very well portrayed. I think the childish method of approach here is well suited to the theme. I don't know know whether it will entirely suit the remainder of the piece, but that's soon to become clear when I read on. The last line, "when we're really just blinded" is very ugly. Try and retain that honest and rough approach, but stop it being so coarse and ugly. I'm sorry I don't know how to properly correct this, all I can do is say what I like and don't like and try my best to explain where I derived those basic ideas from.

I wanna see what the morning star is like from far away
Will it show me the same world the other stars do?
'Cause I can't see them when I've got this babe in my way
I would of liked some better; more quick and snappy line breaks here, instead of the way you have it layed out here. If you altered it, it would allow the words to breathe a little, helping you to concentrate more on the connatations behind the words, not the words itself and their positioning.

It puffs its chest and shows itself to me like it's better than the rest
Blanketing the universe and revealing what's in front of me
Long and winding black rivers
Gasoline puffers
Holes in the ozone
I like this. The second part of the first sentence irks me slightly; "like it's better than the rest". I don't know why, I just think a more approachable line break system would once again add character to this. Which is just my opinion.
The obvious way you have wrote this is full of depth and humbling remarks. Stick with that, I think it will come out well.


But baby, the sun is only average
And it may light this world, but
I'm gonna crawl right through that ozone hole and take a big breath of nothing
This was nice, not much I feel I would want you to change here.
'Cause beyond this cage of oxygen and
Don't like the word "'cause" here, also "cage of oxygen" is poor.
Beyond this big bright star
Are brighter, better stars
I enjoyed the childish manner here. I hope I'm not offending when I say childish. I don't know whether it was your goal, but its what I have found within this.
And different beautiful worlds
I catch a glimpse when the sun goes down
"I catch a glimpse" - don't personally like that phrase.
And the real big boys bat their twinkling eyelashes
"real" is unecessary here, if you ask me.
I can see the current world in a mirror in the clouds
And I see peace
While that big shiny rock in the sky reflect's love's memories
This is good, just could be layed out better, once again.

Those big shots that manage to wave
From so very far away
Are living history, the past
But show so me so much hope for the future
I'm gonna bathe in black and swim towards them
'Til I get past Pluto
It wasn't until the last line that I really enjoyed this. It felt like you were repeating everything over and over again. Condense it; it would add to the childish formate.

So the sky ain't really blue
Blue is a flash of your eyes
And the werewolf howl I let out at night
Could be re-worded more elegantly. Give the ending a stark contrast concerning the rest of the poem.
A shake of the bones
The sun's little trick

I'm gonna hop into my rocketship and sail


My biggest querry is your line breaks and repetition. I did become bored by the second last verse - of course the last verse (and last line) reinvigorated me and sparked my interest to read again, but still, I don't want to reach the stage where my eyes are only scanning because I'm a little bored.
I feel like this could be shortened and just slightly tampered with. If you alter it too much, it will loose its charm, in my opinion. To others though, it may be different.
I hope I made myself clear enough. Thank you for getting to mine.

Digitally Clean
#11
i jotted down a few things that i'd say, but it's all been covered by zach really.

leave a message on my profile if i miss your next piece. i owe you.
#12
My big problem with this is there is little character development, it leaves me feeling distant from the piece. Give the reader more form the star's point of view. I'm also left confuzzled by the babe/baby allusions. Who the hell are you singing to? That really should be addressed before the one "your" in the last stanza.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.