#1
I still see my smile
In your blackened, bloodshot eyes
I still see the love
As the tears run down your face
You betrayed me
Responsible for this demon within
You hurt me
Now it's my turn

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood

Do you even realize
What I've ****ing done for you
You try and play it off
Not this time, no
I was so afraid to be happy
So afraid to leave your side
And even near death
You're still so ****ing perfect

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood

Screaming, your life is pouring out of you
The blood on my hands, oh god
This is the happiest I've ever been
You killed me emotionally
Destroyed my ****ing psyche
Now I'll ****ing destroy you
Maybe in death you'll like me

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood


The sadness, the betrayal
The lies and the pain
Long nights awake, screaming
It was all in vein
Scars to remind me, that I'll never be free of you
So goodbye, my angel
Finally happy
Finally happy
That I am the death of you.
My gear
Ibanez RG7321
Jackson Warrior WRXT *FS/FT*
Jasmine J35
Squier Fender P-Bass
Ibanez TBX150H
Crate 4x12
Fender Rumble 60


Part of UG's 7 STRING LEGION
#2
I liked this. Really good. The last part needs work to me and Id like it to rhyme but yeah, all in all and in my opinion, good.
#3
Quote by ReinventingEvil
I still see my smile
'smile' is a very simple statement, what about some description of the smile?
In your blackened, bloodshot eyes
saying 'reflected' or something making the image clearer would be better, feels lazy like this
I still see the love
As the tears run down your face
'the love' is the same, you could have a great image here of whatever little thing it is that tells you that the love is there, but instead you play safe and just say 'love', same with 'tears run down your face', you could use a much more descriptive, much less cliche image
You betrayed me
Responsible for this demon within
You hurt me
Now it's my turn
being so upfront would be fine if you weren't that way in the rest of it. You've also just gone and changed your opinion straight away without explaining any of it.

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood
you don't have to be so up front, it makes it lazy where it could be heart-wrenching and beautiful. Especially those first three lines in this stanza/verse. Makes me want to punch you. There has to be something other than self-pity. 'I slit your throat open'. Do you indeed? 'Pool of blood', you don't get more cliche. Think through all of your feelings and dig deeper, tap in to all of that emotion and explain it, rather than words that bring nothing new that you think you can get away with

Do you even realize
What I've ****ing done for you
You try and play it off
Not this time, no
I was so afraid to be happy
seems you still are, play with the words and blurt emotion in a refined way
So afraid to leave your side
And even near death
You're still so ****ing perfect
again, you're saying two ends of the spectrum without linking them and tapping in to all of the feelings that make you feel that there are two ends of the spectrum, there are no events explained to say why you feel this way and hardly any analysis or anything about the feeling. just statements.

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood

Screaming, your life is pouring out of you
The blood on my hands, oh god
This is the happiest I've ever been
You killed me emotionally
Destroyed my ****ing psyche
Now I'll ****ing destroy you
Maybe in death you'll like me

My anger, depression and sorrow
Your bullshit, lies, and betrayal
The fighting, the tears, the scars
Say goodbye
As I slit your throat open
Say goodbye
As we stand together, one last time
United under a pool of your blood


The sadness, the betrayal
The lies and the pain
Long nights awake, screaming
It was all in vein
Scars to remind me, that I'll never be free of you
So goodbye, my angel
Finally happy
Finally happy
That I am the death of you.
same as with the rest of it


Everything that I've said about a phrase goes for the whole piece. You could be so creative and so heart-felt and true. Put the work in to that and you could write really bloody well, make people really feel your pain without just thinking of you as a character who's asking for pity.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!