#1
not sure how i feel about this one... each stanza sounds kinda the same... anyway, crit please, suggestions... its unfinished, just two verses and a chorus.


its got a spacey acoustic progression, sorta dave matthews-ish.


‘Just give me time’ she said
So I can clear my head
But she packed her bags and grabbed her mack
And she’s never coming back


I call her up when I’m alone
Begging her to come on home
10,000 miles away from here
She was far and she was near


She’s sliding away
Just slip slip sliding away
I try to call her everyday
But she just slides away


suggestions would be great... i need a good bridge somewhere in there too...
#2
I like the stanzas, they really seem to go well together, but I'm not too impressed with the chorus, I think it needs a little work. Perhaps try not to repeat the "slide" words too much. And think you should only have "slip" in there once, I think it would set the rhythm a bit better.
#3
you'd see that slip-slip fits if you could hear the rhythm


anway, i think i'm gonna completely change the chorus... i dont like it anyways. i just have to think of something better...
#6
so i decided to get rid of the whole chorus (slip sliding...etc) because i just didn't like it enough. Any suggestions on where to go with it, now that its just 2 verses?
#7
I do like the use of a quote, but the rest kind of seemed too cliche for me.
Carpe diem; Seize the day.

Just be.

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