#1
Another piece I'm working on. Prose. C4C if you'd like.


The back of this van is cold and unusual. The restraints around my body, my wrists and ankles, can't hold back the memories which begin to flood my mind. The send me into yet another spasmodic fit. I try to break free, yet I'm locked in tight. Listening closely, the monotonous pinging of water on metal fills the blackened, cushioned van. My heart pumps faster as the van dredges onwards. Adrenaline coarses through my veins as i lash out at the only thing i can. Myself.


"Not again." i thought to myself, as he slowly slid up my nightie. He slowly slides his way into me, now used to wearing absolutely nothing. As he pulls out and lets out a sigh of relief, i curl up in a ball, body exposed to the elements.
"Same time tomorrow?" he rhetorically snorts as he shoots a surreptitious smile in my direction. My arms, adorned with purple keepsakes, bruising of previous encounters. He has become accustomed to me. I haven't.
"you don't need to say anything to mommy.." he reinforces, in a demanding, yet almost pleading tone.
"But it doesn't mean it's wrong. Oh no.. it just means that daddy loves his little girl so very much"
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#3
I liked it, but you were a little cliche here and there.

For instance:
memories which begin to flood

Meh, memories always flood, use another word. Make the image more descriptive and interesting!

the monotonous pinging of water on metal fills the blackened, cushioned van

If the van is cushioned then what is the water dripping against?

coarses through my veins

Another cliche, people always say courses through veins. Try another image again!

adorned with purple keepsakes, bruising of previous encounters

The metaphor is so nice, and then you ruin it by describing the metaphor with the thing you wanted to describe with the metaphor! In other words, I think you should leave out the 'bruising of previous encounters' bit.

Hope I helped! Here's mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=975223
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#4
@ Eggmond.

Thanks, any feedback is feedback.


@ JamesDouglas

Once again, thanks for feedback. I'll take your advice into account. You're right about the decription of the metaphor. It's not needed.


I'll crit your pieces ASAP.

Thanks
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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