#1
The other day i thought i'd have my first attempt at songwriting. I've been putting it off for a while because we already have a decent songwriter in the band i'm in but i've always wanted to try it. Anyway, i came up with a couple of songs pretty much straight out but i'm not that happy with them.
I figured that the best thing to do would be to post them on here and get some criticism for some more experienced songwriters (hopefully most of you have been writing for more than two days).

Feel free to criticize because that's the only way i'm gonna get any better

Untitled 1


You walk in blinding light
While I lay in numbing cold
Alone again
‘Cos you’re not here
All I have is my empty bed
Feels so cold without you

I miss your smile
And I miss your touch
Everything about you
I miss so much
Cos you left me
All a-lone

You left me here to
Be without you
All alone and
In the dark
I want you here to
Come back to me
Shed some light
On this dark

I’m lying down
And looking up
At the stars
Going out
The light they give
It fades away
With you not here
Cos you won’t stay

I miss your smile
And I miss your touch
Everything about you
I miss so much
Cos you left me
All a-lone

You left me here to
Be without you
All alone and
In the dark
I want you here to
Come back to me
Shed some light
On this dark

But now you’re the one who’s
Missing me too
You’re all alone and
In the dark

You’re the one
Who’s feeling down
Laying alone
In the cold

Out of the shadows
I walk

In the light


Untitled 2


Your voice; I hear in my head
It’s not real
Your not there
But I can feel
You, right in front of me
At my side
Like you still exist

I wake in cold sweat
Dreaming of what I lost
But you feel no regret
For the things that you did to me
You’re in my head
So why don’t you get out?
Occupying my mind
All I can think about

In my dreams
I can see your face
But I wake alone
In my empty head
Can’t get you out
Can’t stop you
Getting into my head
Why don’t you come back?
Satisfy my mind
I’m craving your company
Craving what is gone

I wake in cold sweat
Dreaming of what I lost
But you feel no regret
For the things that you did to me
You’re in my head
So why don’t you get out?
Occupying my mind
All I can think about

(You’re not real)
Figment of my imagination
(You’re not real)
Source of all my frustration
(You’re not real)
All I can think about
(You’re not real)
Figure in my mind

Drives me insane


So tell me what you think and hopefully you can give me a helping hand

Much Thanks
-AsH
#2
There's another forum for this. Read the FAQs please.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
to start, it's very poetic...although I don't know how it will translate into a song

I mean, rhymless poetry is cool but only works with one acousitic guitar and a singer...so if that's your band then its okay

otherwise, I would need to know the tone/feel of the song before I began to criticize it
Whether I am a hungry rabbit or a frightened carrot, my home is the same.
#4
I have written about seven full songs, and have a few more on the way. It's a fairly easy process if u just sit down and do it all at once, but dont force it if theres no inspiration, or ur listeners will be able to tell. Ive made that mistake, and pretty much scrapped that song, cuz it sucked. The second one is really good actually, amd im assuming u listen to slipkont cuz that last bridge thing is similiar to vermillion, but theres nothing bad with similarities as long as theyre not meant to be too similiar if u know what i mean. The first doesnt have much structure to it, but i cant really make an opinion because i cant hear it. Structure seems to help me write songs most of the time. Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus is a pretty simple, yet effective structure to go by. Don't get me wrong though, structure is by no means required to make a good song, look at iron maiden, theyre one of the most popular metal bands and a personal favorite, but many of their best songs have no discernible structure.
I kinda talked about alot of stuff there, but i hope that helped a little bit.