#1
The other day i thought i'd have my first attempt at songwriting. I've been putting it off for a while because we already have a decent songwriter in the band i'm in but i've always wanted to try it. Anyway, i came up with a couple of songs pretty much straight out but i'm not that happy with them.
I figured that the best thing to do would be to post them on here and get some criticism for some more experienced songwriters (hopefully most of you have been writing for more than two days).

Feel free to criticize because that's the only way i'm gonna get any better

Untitled 1

You walk in blinding light
While I lay in numbing cold
Alone again
‘Cos you’re not here
All I have is my empty bed
Feels so cold without you

I miss your smile
And I miss your touch
Everything about you
I miss so much
Cos you left me
All a-lone

You left me here to
Be without you
All alone and
In the dark
I want you here to
Come back to me
Shed some light
On this dark

I’m lying down
And looking up
At the stars
Going out
The light they give
It fades away
With you not here
Cos you won’t stay

I miss your smile
And I miss your touch
Everything about you
I miss so much
Cos you left me
All a-lone

You left me here to
Be without you
All alone and
In the dark
I want you here to
Come back to me
Shed some light
On this dark

But now you’re the one who’s
Missing me too
You’re all alone and
In the dark

You’re the one
Who’s feeling down
Laying alone
In the cold

Out of the shadows
I walk

In the light

- that one needs some decent structure i know, any suggestions would be great.


Untitled 2

Your voice; I hear in my head
It’s not real
Your not there
But I can feel
You, right in front of me
At my side
Like you still exist

I wake in cold sweat
Dreaming of what I lost
But you feel no regret
For the things that you did to me
You’re in my head
So why don’t you get out?
Occupying my mind
All I can think about

In my dreams
I can see your face
But I wake alone
In my empty head
Can’t get you out
Can’t stop you
Getting into my head
Why don’t you come back?
Satisfy my mind
I’m craving your company
Craving what is gone

I wake in cold sweat
Dreaming of what I lost
But you feel no regret
For the things that you did to me
You’re in my head
So why don’t you get out?
Occupying my mind
All I can think about

(You’re not real)
Figment of my imagination
(You’re not real)
Source of all my frustration
(You’re not real)
All I can think about
(You’re not real)
Figure in my mind

Drives me insane


So tell me what you think and hopefully you can give me a helping hand

Much Thanks
____________
-AsH
#2
Both songs have a very similar message. I notice some repetition within the songs and with both songs compared to each other, like the use of the word alone for example. There are infinite ways to describe that feeling, so try and expand your vocabulary and also try and spice it up more but using metaphors or similes . My opinion being the lyrics are basic, but not bad. When I started writing I wrote a lot of similar stuff. The feelings you are talking about are things that everyone goes through and can relate to which is good. Work on the vocabulary and use techniques like alliteration and such to try and change it up some. Don't worry about rhyming when you start to write. I find that if I sit down to write something and I try to make things rhyme it ends up coming out Mother Goose like and ends up holding me back. A good strategy that I use now is just writing out everything I want to say about a topic and from there writing the draft of the piece. Rhyming isn't necessary, especially if you have a good melody that the words will follow. Good luck!
Your opinion is just that, YOUR opinion. It doesn't make you right. It doesn't make you better. It doesn't make you god. Everyone has their own view and that view is neither right or wrong.

Ignorance destroys music.
#3
the lyrics are basic and cliched, but everyone starts like that.

try to vary your vocabulary and use techniques such as metaphors to put exciting images in the readers heads.

also, at points the rhymes seem forced (eg you see that this line ends with the sound "in" so you find all of the other words that end with "in" sound and then build the next line off of that list of words. just an example, you didnt do it too bad)