#1
In Trixies' six
her hypnotizing eyes
pierce so bad,
they give me butterflies.
I can't help but buckle under their weight
But she doesn't love me at all.
-
If only you wouldn't
throw your glances like wedding bouquets,
maybe you'd be another lost chance.
But I keep trying...

Then one gets tough-
The jock of spades,
the alpha suitor-
Trixies' dick for muscle.
But I won't be denied
my pride.
Now they can call it
Trixies five.


Trying something wierd as far as subjects go. Maybe you'll pick up on it like I hope you will. Just needed to get another piece up so I don't lose my mind.
#2
You ending was superb, Ben.

Your introduction could of been better. The third line is confusing me, I don't see the tenses correctly here, or maybe I'm missing the point of why you have it such a way. I know it adds a certain sense of discomfort and separation from life and its sensible methods, but it just doesn't quite work when you slap it in so quickly in the beginning. It starts off clever, then suddenly turns crazy. If you returned to it later on in the piece, maybe it would of fitted more appropriately, but it only arrives once. I hope I explained myself properly there.

- "But she doesn't love me at all." - I think removing "but" in both cases in this piece would add more depth, less desperate and conversational mannerisms.

I really enjoyed your second verse - its full of sadness and dry hopefulness - but the line breaks are not the best, to my ears and eyes, anyway.

This was good stuff, mate. You've made loads of progress, wish I could follow suit!

Digitally Clean
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
In Trixies' six
her hypnotizing eyes
pierce so bad,
they give me butterflies.
I can't help but buckle under their weight
But she doesn't love me at all.
Take the but. I think that the last one would be more effective if there's none beforehand.
I really like that your tone allows for the text to be simple, but there's much more there

-
If only you wouldn't
throw your glances like wedding bouquets,
maybe you'd be another lost chance.
But I keep trying...
Maybe change the but to another word, same reason as the last time. It wouldn't QUITE work if you just got rid of it, but I don't think it's perfect with it either.

Then one gets tough-
The jock of spades,
the alpha suitor-
Trixies' dick for muscle.
But I won't be denied
my pride.
Now they can call it
Trixies five.
Nice


Trying something wierd as far as subjects go. Maybe you'll pick up on it like I hope you will. Just needed to get another piece up so I don't lose my mind.
I'm glad that you tried it. It really worked. The slightly weird subject made the content very interesting.


Congrats. This is just lovely. Favorite thing I've read of yours
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by ninjamonkey767
In Trixies' six
her hypnotizing eyes
pierce so bad,
they give me butterflies.
I can't help but buckle under their weight
But she doesn't love me at all.

I was concerned about where this was going after the first three lines as things appeared surreal too quickly. But I enjoyed the down-to-earth atmosphere that was created with that sentimental last line. But that butterflies line was a bit vague and offered no in depth point of view to this guy's character.
-
If only you wouldn't
throw your glances like wedding bouquets,
maybe you'd be another lost chance.
But I keep trying...

This ended too abruptly, I think it needed to be elaborated because at the moment me, as the reader, feels quite disconnected from the characters, which made things less enjoyable.

Then one gets tough-
The jock of spades,
the alpha suitor-
Trixies' dick for muscle.
But I won't be denied
my pride.
Now they can call it
Trixies five.

Mmeeh, this wasn't what I was hoping for as a conclusion. Not much was really said and I'm still not sure what "Trixie" refers to. This wasn't a bad stanza, at all, but it just didn't say what I was hoping for it to say because after reading this I'm still puzzled about this. This can be said to be contributed to the first two stanzas, which for the sake of this as an conclusion, needs to be elaborated a bit more.


Not a bad piece Ben.

Also if you've time could you please crit my new piece http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=977686 ? Thanks.
#5
I liked the second to stanzas a lot... they really had a nice swing to them. Good bounce, good content, etc...

If it were me, if I may be so bold, I'd cut out the first stanza. I think it really drags the piece down as a whole. It doesn't have that same bounce to it... it feels tedious and laboured compared to the rest. To solve the "trixie's five" at the end needing a six before it... just title teh piece Trixie's Six. I think the first stanza didn't really add a whole lot, it didn't set a definite scene... it didn't do much besides introduce half-characters... and it sort of stole away some of the mystique behind the piece. I may have missed smoething, but I don't thik I did.

Still a pleasant read, and fun... but I don't know that it will be memorable in the long run.
#6
Thanks everyone.

I was trying something different this time. It was quirky for my standards, so I'm glad I tried it. But as Zach said, it's not going to be memorable in the long run.

I think I'm going to work on the speed of my pieces. I wrote this a month ago, and I've been beating the hell out of it since, constantly changing everything, and it kinda lost some coherency and sense when I did that. It just zooms from one spot to the next waaaaay too fast. Part of it is because of the method of writing that I use, but I should still have control over it.

I'll be posting another piece soon. Glad to see this tickled your gray matter a bit.