#1
I was sitting in the back of a theatre considering if I was important
enough to die of a gunshot to the head,
when i noticed a couple crying in the flashing lights
by the front row,
I could tell by the new white shoes that
the man hadn't been laid in months,
"Must've got her preggo" I thought to myself,
But why the hell would she be crying then?

Maybe she doesn't like the fact that her
sisters a whore whose been banging the pizza man
for three months,
or maybe its because she is sick of the stale cigarettes,
from packs that are three months old,
she stocked up before the baby came.

Who am I to judge,
I killed my first baby when I was sixteen.
I didn't feel guilty,
because it was one of the few things I've ever done,
that wasn't illegal and didn't give me a thrill.

Maybe I should invite them to my party,
I need a sober cab anyways.
Nah, my friends all already don't like each other,
no reason to make any more.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Oct 16, 2008,
#2
This wasn't particularly stylistic with the syllable count or anything (at least didn't seem so), but felt like it should have been to give it a bit more magic. I love the 'nah, my friends...' part, as well as the last lines, but it's pretty dry in the way you're just saying plain and simple that something happened and yeah, you thought of how one other thing could've come from it, you know? The dry tone works, or at least would for a backing, but a bit of cream on top would only make it better. Need to have something else to digest it with.

You could've developed the 'But why the hell would she be crying then?' line in to something very interesting, since there are many reasons why such a thing could make her cry, and I like that the character just lays out their opinion matter of factly. However, there should be something, in the style, the description, whatever, to counter that aspect of the character.

Hope that made sense. I like the ideas and all, just needs a bit of a play.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
I concur with Katherine - I think its good, just needs tarting to make it more presentable and less clever. It seems to rely too much on the dry wit that you so commonly use. Adding make-up here and there, just a dab, would liven it out from the dryness and lend it a little more subtlety and demeanour.

Digitally Clean
#5
There seems to be a bit more life in the piece now. The new stanzas definitly add to it. I think one of my issues with the piece is how the first and last stanzas feel like they're just thrown in. They don't seem to add to it at all. Maybe they're there for mood, but I'm just not getting a whole lot from them. It felt like they dulled what could have been a sharp point.

Other than that, it seems fine. To be honest, I have so very little in the way of advice for this piece. It felt a tad bit dry, but I can't think of anything that you didn't do right. Worthless crit, I know, but it's all I got.
#8
I love the lashing of dark humour and style this piece has.
I'm not so keen on the bluntness of some of the lines 'Must've got her preggo' in particular, but there's enough dry humour and stark imagery to balance it out.

I think this piece is very well balanced - I can almost feel it swaying as I read it, but it never unseats itself or loses sight of its goal.

In particular, I think the first couple of lines are superb.
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...'Cause you are...

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#9
Quote by bluesybilly
I was sitting in the back of a theatre considering if I was important
enough to die of a gunshot to the head,
when i noticed a couple crying in the flashing lights
by the front row,
I could tell the typo hereby the new white shoes that
the man hadn't been laid in months,
"Must've got her preggo" I thought to myself,
But why the hell would she be crying then? Observational, but not boring. The first line grabbed me, but the problem is that it creates a slightly different atmosphere than the rest of the stanza. It has a bit of a mysterious air, while the rest is straight-forward

Maybe she doesn't like the fact that her
sisters a whore whose been banging the pizza man
for three months,
or maybe its because she is sick of the stale cigarettes,
from packs that are three months old,
she stocked up before the baby came.

Who am I to judge,
I killed my first baby when I was sixteen.
I didn't feel guilty,
because it was one of the few things I've ever done,
that wasn't illegal and didn't give me a thrill. This was unexpected, but a great change of pace.

Maybe I should invite them to my party,
I need a sober cab anyways.
Nah, my friends all already don't like each other,
no reason to make any more. Nice ending


Okay, what can i say about this? It didn't make my headache worse, thats points. I read it twice without getting bored, more points. The story and characters were interesting. The dry tone worked for me. I think this piece works very well by just being what it is, nothing brilliant, but still enjoyable
#10
This is fantastic! It kind of reminded me of a book called "last exit to brooklyn" in style, if you havent read it, I'd recommend it-it seems to be right up your street

Who am I to judge,
I killed my first baby when I was sixteen.
I didn't feel guilty,
because it was one of the few things I've ever done,
that wasn't illegal and didn't give me a thrill.

In particular I loved this part, its magic, very satisfying to read
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
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