#1

Selling Family Members Is Wrong


I sold my baby sister for a six pack of Bavaria.
Shortly after, I bought her back
with Uncle Gareth's will-money
- the drink had finally gotten to him
I decided it would be befitting
to name her 'Gazza'.

Mum appreciated my gesture of valour,
confident that the baby would grow up healthy
in the arms of a drug trafficking,
gun totting pimp
I'm afraid that confidence faded sharply,
after all, she was the only thing that
illuminated her husband-less life.

Dad, well... he was just an ass,
he couldn't even boil my eggs

Slashing the tires of my mother's car;
a futile attempt to stop her from leaving,
quickly ravaged itself into an argument:
she claimed I was "over protective!"
I explained I was only "doing what was best for her" (me)

I've never lived without her,
I don't even remember the last time I cooked my own meal,
I'd hate to start now;
living off beans and toast, stale curry powder
sprinkled heavily to widen the beans and butter combination

Brother Tommy, always knowing, never learning.
Downloading quick porn from his computer and
filling it with creamy viruses and bitter adverts
was a sickly slice of life without a bite.
His forgiveness tore me apart.

Feeding Poppy seed biscuits to my sister Poppy
while smoking joints laden with crumbs
puffing the smoke into her clueless mind
I can't sell her
she's damaged goods.



I need a lot of help with this. I don't think its that good, but I want to work with it. Its basically about family and my connection with them. But also my insecurities concerning our relationships. Even with someone as close as they are, I still remain disconcerted and ambiguous.
This is also a new style for me, I've been trying to develop it after Kent got me into Charles Bukowski. Its probably nothing like his material, but at least his work encouraged me to advance myself into different territory, which was my initial goal.
The piece itself is utterly random, and I don't know whether to leave it like that, or perfect it more. Any help would be greatly appreciated.



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 13, 2008,
#2
very random,it wasn't supposed to rhyme was it?
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#3
Note to myself to come back and give a proper crit.

I enjoyed 90% of this. Especially that last stanza.

Could all do with another tweak to bring it all together more (the last stanza's great, but the connection with the others isn't quite strong enough) but it's bloody wonderful. I'll be back.

EDIT: It would help you greatly if you put the intro after the poem. It's fine that there is an explanation, but the piece should be able to speak for itself, and this one at least is more than capable.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Oct 13, 2008,
#4
emmm... the rhyming isn't very good... but if you can sing it to a melody then it's good!
ps. skip the penis...
#5
Post #2 and #4 - I usually refrain from pointing out such idiocy, but those were the two stupidest posts I've ever seen (and I've seen quite a few). If it were meant to rhyme you would likely be able to tell by the presence of rhymes.


Dan - This was very well done, you've found "the tone" again. The whole piece was sardonically sad, and to contradict myself, funny as well. Excellent read, I may be back soon to add a few nitpicks.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Awww, this is great! I'm so glad people enjoyed it. I would love for you both to return and add all you can to it, just that it can become more complete and so that it could generally improve.
Once again, thank you.
#7
Fan-friggin'-tastic. The tone of this piece, the sense of a crumbling foundation, it was done very well. I will nitpick, however, since you seem less than satisfied with the piece.

Shortly afterwards, I bought her back with Uncle Gareth's
will-money - the drink finally got to him


Hate hate hated that line break. Not so much "will money" being out of the first line as much as it being in the second line. It clumps it with the drink, which makes no sense. I can definitely see this being split up into three lines. I also think you should change "afterwards" to just "after", as it gets a nice little couple with "shortly".

Shortly after, I bought her back
with Uncle Gareth's will-money -
the drink finally got to him

I didn't take too much from the last two stanzas. They just didn't have the pop that everything else did, though they fit in just as well. Still, the piece was fantastic. I'm going through a tough time in my life, and this seemed to sum it up quite well.
#9
Man, this was clever and original. I loved the title as well.

I read this over a few times and the only thing that really didn't seem to fit is the 8 inch penis thing.

1. How the hell do you know how big the guys wanker is?
2. Regardless of how you know, it is irrelevant. This takes the focus off of your family and gives this hooligan much more attention than I believe he should be given. He deserves no penile enhancing adjcetives.

(yeah, so I gotta run for a doctors appointment now but i'll surely be back to give you more of my two cents. THANK YOU SO MUCH BTW for your great comment on my piece. You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your evaluation of me. Lack of focus has been a problem all my life man...but that's another story. You should totally be a psyciatrist.)
#11
when i saw the title on this one my eyes mustve went a little wide and a small smile across the face, and in reading it, - it paid, no dissapoint, it went off with the pop of a .22, - not a 10 gauge shotgun blast out to there, but a bullet noneless. since this seems like a pretty common thing to do around here, - i.will.be.back.later.for.a.propar.critorial.when.its.tonight.today.

p.s.
1. How the hell do you know how big the guys wanker is?


this is news to me - yall English call a guys pen15 a 'wanker'? really? i always thought that the insult 'you wanker' was calling someone pathetic and can't find a girlfriend so they 'wank' instead of becoming a 'winner!'. so they're saying 'you dick' ? or, is it both? but wait, so the slang wanker in relation to the 'flubadub' (as stated on an adam sandler album of choice), its basically referring to your dick as something predominantly above all else something that is there to be wanked? that's ****in hilarious by the old sweet by and by. ha! chim chim cheroo (that last bit is a mr. show reference. oh david cross, what are we going to do with you?)
Last edited by parkt921k at Oct 14, 2008,
#12

Mum appreciated my gesture of valour, c
confident that the baby would grow up healthy
in the arms of a drug trafficking,
gun totting pimp comma?
I'm afraid that confidence faded sharply,
after all, she was the only thing that
there's a little bit of confusion here with the 'she'. You're talking about the mother, but bring it back to the sister. The 'she' isn't strong enough to do that. Reads like it's applying to the mother, which makes no sense
illuminated her husband-less life.

Feeding Poppy seed biscuits to my sister Poppy
while smoking joints laden with crumbs
puffing the smoke into her clueless mind put a semi-colon here
I can't sell her
she's damaged goods.

Oh. And kill the font. It annoyed me, was too thin to fit the piece, I thought.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
gun totting pimp comma?

dis-agree about such comma
puffing the smoke into her clueless mind put a semi-colon here

disagree about the colon of semi as well

although dig up her bones i think i'm in internet like with you and i really want a piece of pizza all of a sudden