#1
Havn't wrote anythign in awhile thought i'd get back into it, tryed a different style here..tryed to use a small amount rhyme's to make things interesting and just went with it.. tell what you think.


Over production
will be..
the death
of society.

As new waves
& idea's..
movements
& creations

shape the world
we live..
or rather
exist in.

Old ideals
dissipitate..
while being
replaced

with plastic
factorie's..
in concrete
jungles

& caucasian
males..
in shades
of black.

we need
a revolution..
but isnt that
a circle?
#2
It's short. I'd rather you wrote the sentences as they are read, instead of fragmenting them as much. It sort of ruins the experience for the reader. Lyrics are still lyrics, regardless of being short or long. I don't think you need to write a 7 page masterpiece in order to consider them lyrics or whatever.

I like the last line a lot (we need a revolution, but isn't that a circle?). Personally, I think you can go a long way with this idea, and you can probably write even more if you really try.
wat.
#3
thanks man, i spaced it all out as such to enphasise certain points or words,
to write it as it would be read, with pauses and such, kinda like jim morrison's poetry.
i think i might work on it more after your suggestion.

any more crits from people would be greatly appreciated.