#1
one of the guys,
fucking chicks, punching dicks,
sucking pussy lips until he drowns
taking smoking breaks from smoking breaks
Daniels power hour every hour after five

one of the guys
drink sick drunk, cold shower sober,
five-seven, playing basketball
all night, visor shadow across the eyes
and a jersey that brushes his feet

one of the guys
only happy reading The Courage to Heal
under a rain, flickering streetlight,
thick green fleece, orange beanie,
laughing himself to death

"as her father's hand slipped between her panties and bare skin,
he asked if it felt good, she didnt want to imagine what would happen
if she said no."

he didnt want to imagine how long it had been.
Last edited by #1 synth at Oct 15, 2008,
#3
Wow, that was amazing. Very dark piece but really interesting. Sadly I don't really have any constructive criticism, or maybe that's a good thing.
this one is for you.
#4
woah. that last part seemed to come out of bumf*ck, egypt. didn't see that coming AT ALL. not sure if i like it being there or not. leaning on no at the moment. but who knows, maybe the molestation will grow on me...

i like the tone and the style here. football seems more manly, but basketball is cool too. anything remotely competetive works.

i dont like the Capital in the second line of the second stanza.

real guys only read ESPN Magazine.

i like this but can't think of too much to say really. maybe i'll be back again.

(yeah, once again, peep "honk if you love peace & quiet" when you find the time. thanks yo)
#5
I'm not going to go in depth, but you write with a "street beat" stream of consciousness flow that I'm constantly trying to achieve and you do it with ease. I loved this regardless of how shockingly sudden the molestation stanza was.
#6
wow, i honestly just say i really love it. its amazing. a deep meaning behind it i think, if i am interpreting the meaning right. amazing writing, its the style i love. very dark holding nothing back and sorta not dictating one point of view or another, but the lyrics are there for the reader's interpretation. definitely keep the last part, i dont think it will be the same without it.

i am interested to know what exactly you mean by the lyrics though. but my humble opinion says great work.
#7
Theres something about a piece that punches you in the face that i really love. Its dark abrasive no-holds-barred poetry at its best. I really enjoyed this. Get rid of the capital at the start of the second line in the second stanza tho
#8
woah. that was incredible. i see it as his actions getting less stereotypical "manly" as it goes on, but that might jut be me.
Call me Michael...

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#10
Alright bitch-tits. Let's do this.

First stanza was easily the best here. The idea was still fresh there, it hadn't already started to run its course with me. By the time I got to the third I was thinking, "I get it... you've painted the character as both himself and a contradiction to himself." It was just wearing thin, and I think it could have had more punch if you had spread that all into one stanza somehow... so it didn't feel so repetitive. But that's just me.

Then, the weird stanza that seems to come out of teh ass end of nowhere. I didn't like it. I thought it was a great stanza. But I can't find a way to make that connect, the wording made me think that the guy being described isn't her father. I don't get it. It makes a bitter taste in me mouth.

The closing does about the same.


I guess I just don't get it at the end. It's nice... it plods along ok... but I just don't feel it. The stanza at the end is brash and lovely... but I just needed a bit more connection to make it feel like I wasn't reading a frankenstein of ideas.

#11
you scare me sometimes
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#12
I think I have a relatively decent grasp on the concept, and with that in mind, I understand why you would put the molestation quote in there, I understand that frat boys and rape go hand in hand, but it's still kinda like a slap in the face.
#13
To me it has a similar feel of something like My Own Private Idaho.
#15
Quote by pixiesfanyo
why because it reminds you of dudes ****ing?

oh sick burn.

No. Well perhaps subconsciously.
#16
haha this has all the subtlety of a slap in the face and I love it.

drink sick drunk, cold shower sober,
five-seven, playing basketball

That is delicious.
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