#1
Bewildered and untamed
for what is heard
slithers and yields.
No puss within the graves;
picked clean without
vied sinews-
It sings: “What a golden day it is today
What a golden day it is” no oppressors today- not of human agency.
Where growing up was the only consolation
today. Wisdom above end

silent vigils among purification
and dead hands;
but what is the concern?
There will be time,
if little profits Ganges,
where our voices shall stand firm.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 14, 2008,
#2
Okay, I'm lost. This whole piece did absolutely nothing for me at all. not only did I not understand it (and not the good "wow, that was like being mind****ed by a salamander") but it just seemed like a random string of words sentences and phrases strung together into some degree of form. I've re-read it and re-read it, and it just gets worse.

So tell me, what's the purpose? or the story? or anything
Why does this piece exist?

I really can't say anything because i just can't. Sorry.
#3
I have the same problem, it's just not engaging. I do quite like the choice of some of your phrases-very eloquent but I feel they could be tied in together much better.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
Bewildered and untamed
for what is heard
slithers and yields.
No puss within the graves;
picked clean without
vied sinews-
It sings: “What a golden day it is today
What a golden day it is” no oppressors today- not of human agency.
Where growing up was the only consolation
today. Wisdom above end
I really liked the ending here, the whole 'golden age' motif was great. Felt like I was reading something out of Brave New World or 1984.

silent vigils among purification
and dead hands;
but what is the concern?
There will be time,
if little profits Ganges,
where our voices shall stand firm.

Right now from what I have read the meaning is a bit vague, but being only part 1 i assume a story unfolds. Either way I am very interested to see the end result.


Great stuff man! Very short and abstract, liked it a lot.
I also have a new piece up, "Mildew too"
Check it out when you get the chance
this one is for you.
#5
I liked the first three lines, but after that I got lost everyone else seems to have that problem too try re-writing it and making it more...idk what word Im looking for.....less confusing if that makes sense anyway if u dont mind criting either one of the songs in my sig I would appericate it
#6
This is a really great piece.
With an excellent last line.

The description of the grave is beautiful,
"no puss..../picked clean" is an excellent sentiment showing some acute purity in death

I don't want to diminish the writing or cage it,
but to me, it seems about slavery.
#7
You may have to be "on something" to understand this because I don't either.

This should be put on one of the Syd Barrett solo albums LOL
Last edited by F4R3W311 at Nov 26, 2008,