#1
I wrote this in like ten minutes, so i don't know how good it is. May change the name latter as well, probably add a bit more to it.

Long Distance Phone Bills

She builds her shrine to the gods,
But they’re not watching,
Cause Letterman is on TV,
And the computer beckons.
She lights the candles in her house,
To wash away the darkness,
But even Jesus needs his sleep,
“The Prayer Line’s closed, please call again.”

She keeps his finger in a locket,
It’s hanging round her neck,
She keeps his promise in the closet,
With the mothball petting zoo.
She holds his heart under her pillow,
She likes to feel him while she lies,
She wonders why God won’t listen,
Just says “Please turn out the lights?”

Please can you turn my tears into wine?
Drink my bittersweet sorrows,
Hang my heart on the grapevine to dry,
But God is getting sick of repetition,
He just refuses to listen to the ramblings of a broken heart.
#2
Quote by kdownes
I wrote this in like ten minutes, so i don't know how good it is. May change the name latter as well, probably add a bit more to it.

Long Distance Phone Bills

She builds her shrine to the gods,
But they’re not watching,
Cause Letterman is on TV,
And the computer beckons.
She lights the candles in her house,
To wash away the darkness,
But even Jesus needs his sleep,
“The Prayer Line’s closed, please call again.”

This didn't hit. That last two lines made this piece look dull, like it was trying a bit too hard to get across its points. None of this felt particularly original; this has all been done before, certainly enough times in this board. And also "cause" is a pretty bad word to use; it nags the flow (but that's probably just personal preference)!

She keeps his finger in a locket,
It’s hanging round her neck,
She keeps his promise in the closet,
With the mothball petting zoo.
She holds his heart under her pillow,
She likes to feel him while she lies,
She wonders why God won’t listen,
Just says “Please turn out the lights?”

This had more of a feel to it than that last verse. That third and forth line didn't really go down well, maybe rewrite it into a concise texture, maybe?

Please can you turn my tears into wine?
Drink my bittersweet sorrows,
Hang my heart on the grapevine to dry,
But God is getting sick of repetition,
He just refuses to listen to the ramblings of a broken heart.

I like this for what it is, it had some good rhythm going on. That forth line stood out and had quite a bit of reference point beneath it, In my interpretation anyway. But again this doesn't show your capabilities as a writer, there isn't much here that a few regulars here hasn't done. Try for different subject matter, have a go and then I'll come back.


This wasn't bad at all, as lyrics I think this might go well but some tweekings, here and there, as far as rhythm is concerned around that first stanza Might prove to be helpful.

If you have the time could please comment on my new piece "Ten"? Here's the link:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=977686

Thank you in advance.
#3
I can see where your coming from, and yes, Religion has been covered before, but I'm trying to hit at a different perspective. I'm considering doing the next part from her perspective. I won't have time to work on this for a while, and I'm floating in and out of dry patches atm, so we'll see what happens
#4
Sounds a lot like "Vicarious" (Tool)...

I liked it up until the five or so lines. I believe it was "tears into wine" and "bittersweet sorrows" that killed the ending for me. But that's just me.

I felt like you were trying really hard to say something, but I just couldn't figure out what it was. A lot of lines were gold, but some of it just felt out of place.

Mothball Zoo was a good line, but I didn't feel like it fit at all. Just little things like that kind of threw me off. But overall a decent piece. Could use work though...
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#5
if you say so. Can't see/hear it myself. As for the story, its about a woman who loses her husband and turns to Christianity, but the really radical branch. She spends her days and nights praying non-stop, lights candles throughout her house and builds a shrine to her dead husband. It's nowhere near finished yet, but thats where I want to get with it
#6
Quote by kdownes
I wrote this in like ten minutes, so i don't know how good it is. May change the name latter as well, probably add a bit more to it.

Long Distance Phone Bills

She builds her shrine to the gods,
But they’re not watching,
Cause Letterman is on TV,
And the computer beckons.
This is good, the only thing I didn't like is that it kind of mixes those epic words "shrine to the gods" "beckons" with Letterman and computers. it kind of puts off
She lights the candles in her house,
To wash away the darkness,
But even Jesus needs his sleep,
“The Prayer Line’s closed, please call again.”
I don't like these lines, although it has some good imagery in there. The last line breaks the flow IMO.

She keeps his finger in a locket,
It’s hanging round her neck,
She keeps his promise in the closet,
With the mothball petting zoo.
She holds his heart under her pillow,
She likes to feel him while she lies,
She wonders why God won’t listen,
Just says “Please turn out the lights?”
Eh, again I don't like how you say this, even though I like what you're saying.

Please can you turn my tears into wine?
Drink my bittersweet sorrows,
Hang my heart on the grapevine to dry,
But God is getting sick of repetition,
He just refuses to listen to the ramblings of a broken heart.
This was a really good ending. The last line is a bit too long IMO, but it's just fine this way. Maybe break it in "listen" would make it better but IDK...


Well, as you already know, overall I like the message but I don't like the way you get it through; it doesn't feel credible.

It's not a bad piece, it just didn't click for me. Good job nonetheless
#7
I thought it was pretty good. Like previously stated, some lines could use tweaking. I personally thought the second stanza was the best, but that's me. I'd say the first two lines of the second stanza could be fixed up a bit, but otherwise, not too shabby
Listen to The Beatles, Pink Floyd, or whatever you want to listen to.
Dreams/Celestial Voyager (My Band's recording )
Live at Pompeii

Put this in your signature if you think coalition governments in democratic societies are f*cking retarded.