#1
This is a little something I wrote about a year ago. Took it out today and edited it a bit. Now time to see what you guys think of it.

Silent Hell

An empty wasteland
Remains of what once was a heart
Silence built a wall
For every tongue tied loss
And frozen hesitation
The shadows loomed ever higher

A silent hell of a heart
Tortured empty white
Pallid shades of grey
Once the silence creeps in
The music fades away
And the heart becomes a
Graveyard
#2
Quote by +}-136-{+
This is a little something I wrote about a year ago. Took it out today and edited it a bit. Now time to see what you guys think of it.

Silent Hell

An empty wasteland
Remains of what once was a heart
"What once was" is too much alliteration. Change the wording to get away from the "w" sound. It really ties the tongue up.
Silence built a wall
You spent two lines building up an empty wasteland for the read, and this line strays away from it.
For every tongue tied loss
And frozen hesitation
The shadows loomed ever higher
Interesting image, but I think its impact is lowered by the fact that it spans four lines. Tighten the screws a little to give it that extra pop.

A silent hell of a heart
Tortured empty white
Pallid shades of grey
These two lines are bland and boooooring. Try something that connects with the first line better.
Once the silence creeps in
The music fades away
And the heart becomes a
Graveyard
Decent, though "graveyard" should be part of the previous line. If you want to keep the sudden impact it has, move "a" down with it. It reads better.


Nice stuff, but some of the images could be better. There wasn't really movement from one image to the next. You just brought an image up (a silent hell of a heart) and took it nowhere. Take those images and expound on them.
#3
Mmm. Good advice there, thanks a bunch. I'll take them into consideration. Looking back now, I do realize the transitions weren't too smooth and there was no real solid connection between the lines. I'll make sure to work on that. Anyways, thanks for the critique. This is the first real one I've gotten in a good while.