#1
C4C (leave link)


Having Life As A Guinea-Pig


You see the end as a deadline;
never dealing with declines,
because you feel like you fall
every year in your mind.

Witness your ruined empire
as Nero sets it on fire.
To fall in love like you did once,
is, more than ever, your main desire.

You need dawns of flourish wakening,
but you remain with rites of spring
in dreams; and now awaken,
you realize it’s fantasy;

a premonition with no conclusion’s
just an uncertain illusion
that walked with you, hand in hand
in lifeline, with no solution.

You’re feeling weaker; chilling cold,
as if you just sold your soul
for a greater sold out pleasure.
Now you’re doomed to just grow old;

to live passively to the life
you denied and been denied;
diminished to avoid death
while you tiredly survive.

Take my advice:

Don’t give up fighting for more;
don’t low your arms in times of war.
Fall on me if you can’t see
that’s what existence is meant for.

Have in mind your yesterdays;
earn morale from your mistakes.
Sorry if you heard this before,
but life’s too stuck on these clichés.

Don’t be scared to be exception;
find hidden strength in rejection,
like a widow rediscovers
love in the loss of an old passion.

And if you fail, don’t feel sad;
at least you gave the best you had.
Have in mind that we’re still young,
we have life to try again.


I think this needs a little bit of more work and plenty of improvements; if you could help me with that I would appreciate. Thank you for reading
Last edited by seventh_angel at Oct 14, 2008,
#2
the ideas you present through out are pretty strong and worked out pretty well, the one thing i think that weakens them a bit is some of the rhyme. a lot of the rhyme seems a little forced which means you really limited what it is you wanted to or could have said. im too lazy to do a full crit but this was a pretty nice read.
#4
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)


Having Life As A Guinea-Pig

You see the end as a deadline;
never dealing with declines,
because you feel like you fall
every year in your mind. The first two rhymes are terrible, but declines/mind is perfect. Try to find more rhymes like that

Witness your ruined empire
as Nero sets it on fire.
To fall in love like you did once,
is, more than ever, your main desire. oh please no empire/fire/desire is so cliched its not funny. Either re-write this whole stanza or fiddle around with different ways of saying what your saying, I like the story though

You need dawns of flourish wakening,
but you remain with rites of spring
in dreams; and now awaken,
you realize it’s fantasy; Rhyming better in here, your strongest stanza so far

a premonition with no conclusion’s
just an uncertain illusion
that walked with you, hand in hand
in lifeline, with no solution. not sure about "solution" here, try something different. Apart from that, very good

You’re feeling weaker; chilling cold,
as if you just sold your soul
for a greater sold out pleasure.
Now you’re doomed to just grow old; Yay, switch to internal rhyming is very good here, especially the cold/cold repetition. Strongest stanza so far

to live passively to the life
you denied and been denied;
diminished to avoid death
while you tiredly survive. Another good stanza

Take my advice:

Don’t give up fighting for more;
don’t lowlower? your arms in times of war.
Fall on me if you can’t see
that’s what existence is meant for.Because you put war in there, it gets weakens the cliche. Still not fantastic, but better

Have in mind your yesterdays;
earn morale from your mistakes.
Sorry if you heard this before,
but life’s too stuck on these clichés. And for once this piece isn't

Don’t be scared to be exception;
find hidden strength in rejection,
like a widow rediscovers
love in the loss of an old passion. Just getting better and better

And if you fail, don’t feel sad;
at least you gave the best you had. not sure about "sad/had" here
Have in mind that we’re still young,
we have life to try again.




Great piece. The only real problem you have here is your rhyming. The story and idea is very good, the flow is fantastic. Hopefully I've given you something to work with. "Long Distance Phone Bills" in my sig if you want to C4C
#6
What kind of style is this for? I was thinking metal, but it could be rock if sung right.
It seems like two songs...the beginnning and then a different song after "Take My Advice"
#7
It's kind of a mix; the intro is in acoustic, then a guitar enters in a slow metal type of song, then when the verse begins it turns post-hardcore; slowing down in the 3rd and 6th verses; after this verse there's this calm interlude where violins enter until it blasts off some orchestral driven epic type with choirs backing up the main melody, it all fades out in the last verse and then it's an almost 2 minute solo til the end

Unfortunately, this song is still only on my mind