#1
Hey guys and gals this is my newest piece as u read it every other line starting from line to is growled except the chours, that is harmonized....maybe

War torn world
suureal beast
cannons fire
annonce the feast

Chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Mechanized monsters
Blood runs cold
fear controls
deaths fearful hold

The lines in this are not growled
Just a game
played by kids
they run and play
in the forest they hid

Growling starts again
On the battlefield
martyrs death
its not a game
final breath

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Allienanaces wrecked
Friendships ruined
Nothing left
Dancing in the ruins

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Death by traitors
is this a dream?
Destruction by him
Is this what it seems?

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

crit4crit
Last edited by therealtater at Oct 15, 2008,
#2
Hey man
So i read it and i really how the lyrics flow together and i
tried to hear the growling and i feel it really just flows very well. Also
i love how the lyrics show the real side of what seems like a soon to be
war and everything that it leaves us with. I Really enjoyed it man, keep up the good work

If you could, check out my song
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=978447
I MADE UP THE SONG MASTER EXPLODER
#6
The flow is nice and I like the meaning. I assume metal is your genre, but even so, this could be a very nice folk song.
#7
From one metal songwriter to another, nice work! Sounds almost Iron Madien-esque.
Slipknot Fan.

Thanks, but I'm not God. If I were God, 3/4 of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer. –Axl Rose
#8
War torn world
suureal beast
cannons fire
annonce the feast

Chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

fight for your life/here your bodies die. How does that work, exactly?

Mechanized monsters
Blood runs cold
fear controls
deaths fearful hold

repition of fear is dodgy

The lines in this are not growled
Just a game
played by kids
they run and play
in the forest they hid

Growling starts again
On the battlefield
martyrs death
its not a game
final breath

to be a martyr you have to die, so, thought not entirely, saying 'martyr's death' is a little odd for me

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Allienanaces wrecked
Friendships ruined
Nothing left
Dancing in the ruins

Why are we dancing? Are we happy about this now?

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Death by traitors
is this a dream?
Destruction by him
Is this what it seems?

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies


Not really got much to give you on the style or anything, so if that's what you're going for you seem to have it alright
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#9
Quote by therealtater
Hey guys and gals this is my newest piece as u read it every other line starting from line to is growled except the chours, that is harmonized....maybe

War torn world
suureal beast
cannons fire
annonce the feast

Very Annhililator styled, I love it, you could use some thrash vocals to really suit that verse instead of growling.

Chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

I like it except for the second line, I'd change it to "Today I wont die"

Mechanized monsters
Blood runs cold
fear controls
deaths fearful hold

Again, very Annihilator, reminds me of I Am In Command.

The lines in this are not growled
Just a game
played by kids
they run and play
in the forest they hid

I like it, its very related to the subject, but I wouldn't use kids...I would use something else.

Growling starts again
On the battlefield
martyrs death
its not a game
final breath

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Allienanaces wrecked
Friendships ruined
Nothing left
Dancing in the ruins

The last line doesn't fit it very well, sounds like you ran out of ideas here. I'd go back and really think about what a war plagued aftermath looks like.

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

Death by traitors
is this a dream?
Destruction by him
Is this what it seems?

Destruction by him? destruction by what? It seems like...a very lazy attempt to rhyme IMO. I didn't like this verse, I think the song should have ended at the last chorus.

chours
Today is the day
Its a good day to die
Fight for your life
Here your body lies

crit4crit


There's my crit. If you could crit mine, it would be really cool

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=979354
#11
I really like that
I think the verses are a bit short though (Maybe it's just how I read it)
Maybe you could combine every other verse into one verse?
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#12
tbh, i didnt like it. you tried our best with a well killed idea. try writing about something original, or writing about something originally. death/war is sooooo old and cliche, especially in this genre. i liked the subtle ideas on friendship, child games as a metaphor to war, but you contradict yourself too much, and leave too many threads dangling. the rhymes often seem forced, try writing a song without a rhyme scheme, no limitations and see what you come up with.