#1
For Mat.


worn hands
afraid to wander;
skin stretched
thin over broken bones.
silk is such
a youthful linen.

i hoped you had some
sovereignty left
within your soul, but no
it must be difficult being
19 when you're 39
and for the last time i wonder
do you think about what you've left behind?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#2
I liked it, its not particularly pushing boundaries but then great poetry doesnt have to break new ground to be satisfying and thats what this is. Simply satisfying.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#3
"it must be difficult being
19 when you're 39
and for the last time i wonder
do you think about what you've left behind?"

beautiful.

finally someone else who doesn't scatter capitals everywhere and ruin the typographical beauty of the written word.
#4
damn-right has my thoughts down damn right...

Capitals would clutter this and make it large when it belongs small and longful; almost like a small mouse scurrying through old Irish farm houses, aware of the world around me, but choosing to ignore it.

Although this is not certainly not ground breaking, I find it to be lovely to read, re-read and re-read. Its the perfect example of little is more and it coincides beautifuly with a peaceful evening indoors, reading and writing, chatting to mates with a brew... I'm a cheese ball in the making!

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by culex-knight

sovereignty left
within your soul, but no
it must be difficult being


This could be presented better, I think. I hated how "but no" was in the same line as "within your soul". It just felt like a massive hiccup. I also disliked the last line ending with "being". It should be nudged down a line. "Sovereignty" and "difficult" seemed like poor word choices, as they felt to big and mighty for such a piece (as Dan said, like a little mouse).

And one last nitpick: Lines 5 and 6 weren't as strong as the four lines before them (which I thought were effin' fantastic).

That's all my complaints. Fantastic expressions.
#7
Quote by culex-knight
For Mat.


worn hands
afraid to wander;
skin stretched
thin over broken bones.
silk is such
a youthful linen.

i think this was an average start at best for you. the first four lines didn't seem so original but i did enjoy the last two, i thought those were subtle/nice.

i hoped you had some
sovereignty left
within your soul, but no
it must be difficult being
19 when you're 39
and for the last time i wonder
do you think about what you've left behind?

wow. very nice. the last 4 lines here are so straight forward and to the point its beautiful.


overall id say 7.5/10 probably just because the beginning, besides that though this was all awesome.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=971045

im sure i owe you countless crits but if you could just one word or something that would be cool.

edit: about the presentation of the piece, its perfect i wouldnt change a thing.
#8
Thank you very much everyone, I thought this was dead.

I agree synth. But I'm too lazy to edit it.

You don't owe me anything rush. I'll read your piece, of course, sorry I missed it. You want it in PM or in the thread? (The date is old and I don't want to get it locked.)
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
in the thread is fine. i never got any actually crits on it. much appreciated
#11
short, sweet and beautiful. My only complaint is that the first stanza isn't as good as the second. maybe if you switched the two around? or maybe not.. I don't know. But this piece flows so nicely it makes up for what it lacks in punch
#12
worn hands
afraid to wander;
skin stretched
thin over broken bones.
silk is such
a youthful linen.

I'd like to step out and say that you've presented a lot to take in, here, without having to be overly verbose and clustered. I think Dickinson put it best in one of her pieces - the poet takes everyday normality, and brings astonishing sense of it. Of course, that's not even close to what she actually said, but the nutshell's enough.
That being said, I think this suits the proceeding stanza quite well.


i hoped you had some
sovereignty left
within your soul, but no
it must be difficult being
19 when you're 39
and for the last time i wonder
do you think about what you've left behind?

Yes. This says it all right here.
Sorry I haven't been able to comment very often. You should know, though, that I always read. And I do not disregard any words you leave behind on my work, friend.
Take it easy.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
Just want to say thanks for all of the words you all have given me. I'll try and visit sometime.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
Nothing fancy here, just words woven together in such a way that makes you wanna read this over and over again.

I'm glad this wasn't verbose. It seems if you tried to drag it on it would of really lost it's charm. It's kind of like eating a Ferrero Rocher...unwrap it, chew it slowly and savor every savory flavor and BOOM, it's done.

I dig it.

(A word on The Saga would be much appreciated. Thanks!)