#1
I'm a bastard wind
stirring the Pharaohs palms
throwing the sand about
like a wrench in his image
an embarassment.
I may not speak unless spoken to
I may not plague the courtyard

Instead, I wait outside
kicking the sand around
pockmark your perfect plot,
angry at nothing
angry at you
and all the walls you put up
One day, I'll knock them down, too

You can keep it all
but when mother leaves
I will follow

-Love
Your bastard son
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Oct 15, 2008,
#2
I loved the style and the first and third stanza. The second stanza though... phew. I know it contains most of hte content, but it reads like a novel composed completely of teen angst. All but two of those lines; "pockmark..." and "kicking..." were completely throw away. There was nothing in them. Nothing heartfelt. They said what you meant... but in the same way an overly nerdy accountant sings Christmas Carols. It's flat. Bring some fury my man... you're pissed at Dad... your pissed at anything, don't talk in monotone with a half-ass attempt to evoke emotion from me, or I will laugh at you and tell you that your braces look silly.

You've done it before... bring these words to life. Honestly, the only line in this whole piece that really excited me was the signature. Everything else was ok, but seeming was trying to hard... like you wanted really badly to tuck a standard idea in a "neat" outfit. Make it raw... you are good at that. When you try to hide things, you tend to over do it, from where I stand anyways.

I didn't much care for this, if you can't tell. I think you are capable of more, you are capable of intense emotion evoking pieces; this wasn't one of them. Got too caught up in its own cleverness me thinks. Neat stylistic idea though.

thanks for getting to mine.