#1
c4c thanks

Thought I read the sign
should have wrote it in braille
To busy barking to see
You were wagging my tail

I had fished you the sun
Carved arrows in your maze
Gave water to the ocean
Your souls never fades

My dark rainy cloud
In a sunburnt desert.
Thought I was your wind
not a weather expert

Working Overtime,
painting over blues.
Found my safety line
Sherlock hadnt a clue
It was just the lace,
carried by your shoes
Last edited by mindtrek at Oct 21, 2008,
#2
"guess i should have known"
Im gonna pistol whip the next guy that says shenanigans !!!!
#3
wrote it last night 5 mins before i could clock out. Rewrote now. Thanks
#4
I'm not bashing your writing, but "should of knew" is one of the grossest misuses of English I've ever heard.
You're*
#5
so is "one of the grossest" misuses of English i've ever heard. maybe "one of the most gross?"
#6
who would of knew... come on dude, have you ever taken an english class.....ever ?????
Im gonna pistol whip the next guy that says shenanigans !!!!
#7
Your introduction is great, although I can tell already that the lack of punctuation and proper capatilization will detract slightly from this piece.

I wasn't keen on your second verse. Each word seems to be random and misjudged. Plus, the word "netted" is unpleasant to read and here. The discomfort is not common with this piece and doesn't seem to suit it's style very well.

- "Not a weather expert" - Not a weather report - Try that and see what you think.

Your last verse was a little random as well, similar to your second stanza, but your last two lines more than makes up for it.

This was great stuff mate, I really enjoyed reading it. It put a neat smile on my face.

Digitally Clean
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Your introduction is great, although I can tell already that the lack of punctuation and proper capatilization will detract slightly from this piece.

I wasn't keen on your second verse. Each word seems to be random and misjudged. Plus, the word "netted" is unpleasant to read and here. The discomfort is not common with this piece and doesn't seem to suit it's style very well.

- "Not a weather expert" - Not a weather report - Try that and see what you think.

Your last verse was a little random as well, similar to your second stanza, but your last two lines more than makes up for it.

This was great stuff mate, I really enjoyed reading it. It put a neat smile on my face.

Digitally Clean



ha, kinda felt like a school girl at an nsync concert when I saw someone of your status here posting in my thread. re read and reworked a little. thanks for the time, appreciate it.
#9
Thought I read the sign
should of wrote it in brail
*should have
*braille

To busy barking to see
You were wagging my tail
nice personification of yourself as a dog.
nice twist on the concept 'wag the dog'


I had fished you the sun
Carved arrows in your maze
Gave water to the ocean
Your souls never fades

My dark rainy cloud
In a sunburnt desert.
Thought I was your wind
not a weather expert

Working Overtime,
painting over blues.
Found my safety line
who would of knew
this is one of those grammar issues that don't help give it style
it just looks like a mistake.
of instead of have isn't all that bad.
tons of people do that.
the form of knew is all wrong though.
*who knew
*who would know
*who would have known.
take your pick.

It was just the lace,
carried by your shoes


it doesn't surprise me Dan latched on to this one.
this is a trippy style with lots of gaps.
short phrases, not even caring if they're sentences.
each produces an image.
each ambiguous enough so the reader can assign their own meaning to the metaphor.
this is some good shit.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
Thanks for the tips. Took your advice and changed some. Got rid of the line causing much of the scuff, though it also erased the title... I was one of those kids who loves learning and words themselves, but never had the focus to pay attention in school, so my works im sure seem juvenile. Thanks again, hope this is better.