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#1
Last week I had my first English class in my college course and my teach decided that a fellow student and I are quite the comedians and that both of us will have to tell three jokes in next week's class ( tomorrow) . If they're good and people laugh, we will each get an A.

He said they can't be short. They have to be pretty elaborate and they can't be like dark humor like dead baby jokes.. I really do love dead baby jokes. So if you know any jokes that fit the criteria, please write them it will be a great help. So far I know the one about the Pope vs. Jew Vatican Debate which is pretty elaborate i'm gonna use it tomorrow.
Quote by Hotpunksk8rgirl
EWWWWW!!!!! Isn't a urethra another word for a female body part(vagina)??????? Perverted fishy.
#3
I was at the Dorchester the other day, and I had just checked in to see the lift door just closing. In my hurry to catch it I managed to jostle a rather beautiful woman who was also hurrying to catch the selfsame lift. Apologetically, I said to her "If your heart is as soft as your bosom, you'll forgive me." She replied "And if your willy is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 483."

Good ol' Clement Freud
#4
so a man walks into a bar...


that was the joke.


"YOU SUCK MCBAIN"


*throws hand grenade*


reference = cookie
[img]http://img300.imageshack.us/img300/3760/356h356h365pc1.png[/img]
Die Ruhe vor dem Sturm.
#5
I could make some amazing jokes for you, but you would probably tell them shittily so I wont
#6
Do Mitch Hedberg stuff.

"If 13 is an unlucky number, than 12 and 14 are guilty by association!"
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.'"
"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?"
"I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential."
#8
Quote by HuckIt
so a man walks into a bar...


that was the joke.


"YOU SUCK MCBAIN"


*throws hand grenade*


reference = cookie


It is from The Simpsons!!!!
I Win finally
#9
Quote by HuckIt
reference = cookie


simpsons
Stand up and cheer if you like SimCity

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up
THE WiLDHEARTS

Quote by goest
I'm going to take this opportunity to initiate my campaign to replace the phrase "Taking a shit" with "Busting a grumpy."
#12
A man walks into a butcher's shop. The butcher says to him "I bet you £50 you can't reach the meat up there on the top shelf". The man replies "No thanks...


...the steaks are too high!"

Hahaha!! Steaks! High! Classic.
#13
Whats worse than 10 babys nailed to a tree?
1 nailed to 10 trees!
Quote by MoogleRancha

You sir, are a genius.

I salute you.

Quote by iwontwait
The bestowing of this thread on my life is yours. Thank you, Benjabenja.
#15
Quote by sglover34479
^no metuldud.

Just no.

Why? Mitch is hilarious.

"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#16
What has 8 legs and makes women scream?


Gangrape.

RMF


I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
#17
Quote by IronBeard
A man walks into a butcher's shop. The butcher says to him "I bet you £50 you can't reach the meat up there on the top shelf". The man replies "No thanks...


...the steaks are too high!"

Hahaha!! Steaks! High! Classic.



#18
Quote by metaldud536
Do Mitch Hedberg stuff.




Mitch Hedburgh ftw !
But here's one of his best jokes

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=GDPS5VmvqkY
" Did You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away."

"Do they ? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."
#20
Quote by Benjabenja
Whats worse than 10 babys nailed to a tree?
1 nailed to 10 trees!


Someones been on Sickopedia? xD

Also.

Womens Rights.

Edit -

Statistics show that 8 out of 10 people enjoy Gang Rape.
I deeply regret the 6661 in my username. Siiiigh. Damn you, 14 year old me, you edgy little bastard.
#21
I went to the paper shop. But it blew away! *laughs maniacally*

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#22
This ones a bit sick but i lol'd ......

A man goes into a pub and gets himself a pint and a packet of crisps and sits down, the landlord walks up to him and says
"i havent see you in here before do you live local?"

The man replies "iv just moved here"

The barman says "where abouts do you live"

The man replies "I live past the train station, over the bridge and across the field"

The barman says "Thats quite a far way to come but i know a shortcut on your way home, you simply get to the train tracks at the station run across them and then go across the field and your home"

The man says "Well thank you very much" and begins his journey home

The next day the man returns to the pub with a gigantic smile on his face

The barman walks up to him and says "so did you try the shortcut?"

The man replies "yes and you will never beleive what happened i got to the train tracks and there was a beautiful lady tied to the tracks naked so i untied her and took her home and we ended up havin sex all night in the bum and everything"

The bar man replies in awe "OMG really? Did you get a blowjob?"

The man replies "No i didnt find the head"


well i thought it was funny anyway
#23
duck walks into an ice cream store says you got any duck food he says no we dont have duck food.duck comes back the next day says hey you guys got duck food? he says no we dont have duck food,the next day he comes back he says you got any duck food he finally says we dont have duck food next time you come in here asking im gonna nail your feet to the floor! duck comes back the next day says hey,you got any nails?he says no,well got any duck food??...
Empire Records one of the best films ever.
His name isnt Warren.
His name isnt Warren.
His name isnt Warren?
I thouht his name was Warren?

"slayer sabbath:
whats wrong with metal, has this website been taking over by power chording, girl pants wearing, emos?"
#24
Quote by Carl6661
Someones been on Sickopedia? xD

Also.

Womens Rights.


Now now, let's not bring sexism into this. You're forgetting the biggest right a woman has... the right to make me a sandwich, bitch.

(I'm not actually sexist, I just couldn't resist)
#25
What's black, red, and says hello?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! You've been wonderful.

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#26
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina?


Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.


One day the secretary of defense is giving his daily brief to Bush and says "And finally, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in a bombing today." At this Bush jumps up and cries "Oh dear god no!" and paces around the room while everyone stares at this display emotion. Finally, he sits down with his head in his hands and says "H-how many is a Brazilian?"
:
Quote by malachifivebass
you cant make a male musician choose music or sex, its like asking a fat man twinkie or brownie


Quote by iamnotrabid
Quote by metdethslaythrx
Naomi
it's "I moan" backwards
No, it's I maon.

Phail

I WILL one day rule the world, Pm me with the position you want and Ill see if it is open.
#27
So a baby seal walks into a club.... thats it...
"You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet" - 311
#29
Quote by Zero-Hartman
What's black, red, and says hello?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! You've been wonderful.


use this TS!
#30
Quote by imdeth
Now now, let's not bring sexism into this. You're forgetting the biggest right a woman has... the right to make me a sandwich, bitch.

(I'm not actually sexist, I just couldn't resist)


Very true.

That, and cleaning.

I'm not sexist either by the way. (Y)!
Just incase anyone though I was.
I deeply regret the 6661 in my username. Siiiigh. Damn you, 14 year old me, you edgy little bastard.
#31
Quote by Carl6661
Someones been on Sickopedia? xD

Also.

Womens Rights.


that was honestly gonna be my one, it's my fave joke atm ahahaha

wanna hear a joke?

Yeah

Women's rights

another one: how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb, none they cant change anything.

im not rli sexist i juts think the jokes r quite funny
#32
Quote by Mr. La Fritz
What has 8 legs and makes women scream?


Gangrape.


Hahaha how do you stop 5 guys from raping a white girl?throw a basketball at em!
since were goin this far

A mexican a black guy and a white guy are walkin down the beach they see a pot they rub it and a genie pops out,he tells them they all have one wish so he asks the mexican,mexican says i want all my brothers to be happy and free back in Mexico,genie goes poof and there in Mexico happy and free and everything.Genie asks the black guy,black guy tells him he wants all his black brothers back in Africa happy and free and everything;Genie goes poof there back in Africa,He finally asks the white guy and the white guy says you meant to tell me all the ******s and spics are out of America?Genie says yes,White guys says well,umm.I'll have a coke then...
Empire Records one of the best films ever.
His name isnt Warren.
His name isnt Warren.
His name isnt Warren?
I thouht his name was Warren?

"slayer sabbath:
whats wrong with metal, has this website been taking over by power chording, girl pants wearing, emos?"
#33
so i walk into an all mexican bar and say the building across the street is now offering jobs for less then minimum wage so everyone leaves the bar, i then pursue to rob the bar
#34
i got one for u but its pretty long..."there were these two kids that entered a poetry contest, the first kid was a kid that was perfect in school and got straight a's and the teachers loved him, the other kid was a redneck, so the night of the poetry contest came and both kids had 1 minute to write a 4 verse poem containing the word timbucktu, so the first kid the kid that got straight a's and everything thought of his poem wrote it down read it to the crowd and the crowd went wild, then the redneck was up he thought of his wrote it down read it to the crowd and here's wat it said, tim and me a huntin' we went three *****s we found in a pop-up tent they had three and we were two so i bucked one and tim bucked two...."
#35
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."


im too lazy to think of my own so i just steal
DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING
and
CAREFUL NOW


No man needs a holiday more than the man who has just had one.
#36
this one is short and racist even though im not racist....
but how many jews can you fit in an SUV???


2 in the front, 3 in the back and about 4,000 in the ash tray
#37
This is mighty long, but it's for your A, so i'll spend the time typing it. Ahem...*cracks knuckles*

One day, a man gets on the bus, and notices there's only one seat left, which is next to a nun. He takes his seat, and upon closer inspection, he realizes that, habit and all, this is one foxy nun! He spends the whole ride stealing glances, and when she gets off at her stop, the man who is clearly obsessed runs up to the bus driver. Horny as hell (i.e. typical pit monkey), he asks the bus driver 'Hey, I know this is a bit forward, but is there anything you can tell me about that nun? I've never seen anyone so gorgeous, and I've just gotta tap that, NAHMEAN?!?!' and the busdriver gives him the once over, and says 'Alright, I'll help you out. I know for a fact, that every Wednesday night at 10 pm, she gets off at the bus stop near the cemetery, and prays to Jesus for all the lost souls. Maybe you could disguise yourself as good ol JC and have your way with her?' The man excitedly thanked the bus driver and jumped off the bus, and began crafting plans on how to go about fooling the nun into sleeping with him.

Wednesday rolls around, and the man, fully dressed in a robe and Jerusalem cruisers (Birkenstocks) hid in the bushes, eagerly awaiting the nun's arrival. Just like the bus driver said, the nun appeared through the clearing, habit on and head bowed in solemn prayer. Seizing the opportunity , the man appeared out of the bushes and said in a booming voice

"It is I, Jesus. I Command you to have sex with me. NOW!" The nun, taken aback, stood with her mouth open. After some deliberation, the nun replied " I know it is your word I should obey, but do you think you could put it in my butt? I would very much like to stay a virgin like Mother Mary. The man lustfully agreed and got to it. After finishing up, the man empowered by his bold move ripped off his Jesus guise and shouted " AHA! It's me! the guy from the bus!"


the nun also ripped off her clothes and replied " It's ME! The bus driver!"
#38
Quote by ZanasCross
If a one legged elephant is riding in a bathtub down main street on a Tuesday, how many pancakes does it take to cover the dog?


None, ice cream doesn't have bones, silly.

****ing weird ass joke man. my stoner neighbor told me that before he was taken to prison.
I'm Steve
#39
Quote by DopeDanny
Hahaha how do you stop 5 guys from raping a white girl?throw a basketball at em!
since were goin this far

A mexican a black guy and a white guy are walkin down the beach they see a pot they rub it and a genie pops out,he tells them they all have one wish so he asks the mexican,mexican says i want all my brothers to be happy and free back in Mexico,genie goes poof and there in Mexico happy and free and everything.Genie asks the black guy,black guy tells him he wants all his black brothers back in Africa happy and free and everything;Genie goes poof there back in Africa,He finally asks the white guy and the white guy says you meant to tell me all the ******s and spics are out of America?Genie says yes,White guys says well,umm.I'll have a coke then...



Boondock Saints???
#40
Quote by DopeDanny


A mexican a black guy and a white guy are walkin down the beach they see a pot they rub it and a genie pops out,he tells them they all have one wish so he asks the mexican,mexican says i want all my brothers to be happy and free back in Mexico,genie goes poof and there in Mexico happy and free and everything.Genie asks the black guy,black guy tells him he wants all his black brothers back in Africa happy and free and everything;Genie goes poof there back in Africa,He finally asks the white guy and the white guy says you meant to tell me all the ******s and spics are out of America?Genie says yes,White guys says well,umm.I'll have a coke then...



http://illhaveacoke.ytmnd.com/
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
Last edited by nebiru at Oct 16, 2008,
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