#1
Recently posted this in the contest forum and seemed to get a good reception, so I figured I'd let you help me perfect it!

Fine Art

I went to an art show with too many people
saw a mock Monet and a poor man's picasso
But I guess there's no one left who can measure
up to, the freak foot talls of the old basketball team,
only half hearted hopefuls who can't live
the dream, until they bite the bullet
then they're fully committed
to the canvas they claim is the only conduit
to a door that goes past space and time
to a little travelled place at the back
of the mind where you always have more
than enough time to unwind there's nothing
going slower than our own little lives
hell we don't even know that we're dying inside
piece by piece every day, until we're ashes
that fly through soft autumn winds down
Kensington drive, cause that's where true art
goes when it dies.
#2
Compared to the middle of the piece onwards, the first 4-5 lines are really clumsy and lack flow. I don't like the fact that you have a lot of internal rhyming and flow in one part of the piece and one part lacks it completely. It's awkward and makes me think that it's not finished. Then again, you did ask for help to make it better, so I hope you understand my point of view.

Saying that, the first part of the piece was far more original than the rest. "Bite the bullet" is a common phrase and I was a little iffy to see it used. I thought you could have come up with something a bit more original. From there on you've used several generic and cliché phrases like, "space and time", "back of the mind", "more than enough time", "our own little lives", "we're dying inside", and you barely escaped "goes to die" when you rephrased it a little in your final line.

eh. You need to decide if you want the first half, the original and flow-lacking or the second half, the generic-cliché internally rhymed and flowing part.

I'd take the first.
This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by rush4life
Recently posted this in the contest forum and seemed to get a good reception, so I figured I'd let you help me perfect it!
I remember seeing this. I can't recall if I picked it, or the other piece it was up against. Both were solid. This one spoke to me more. But there were a few things that bothered me slightly, and two that made me want to smack you up-side the head.


Fine Art

I went to an art show with too many people
saw a mock Monet and a poor man's picasso
why is Monet capitalized, but not Picasso?
i think there should be a comma at the end of the first line.
that would drive home the fact this is a sentence splice.
Omitting the I from the beginning of the second line was smooth.
i also think there should be a period at the end of the second line.
it isn't all that bad, because you use a cap to start the third.

But I guess there's no one left who can measure
up to, the freak foot talls of the old basketball team,
*smack*
i wrecked on this - hard.
i absolutely hated the first comma.
grammatically is doesn't belong.
but having some separation of the clauses might be useful.
you could move the first two words to the end of the previous line.
just the line-break will be enough.

only half hearted hopefuls who can't live
the dream, until they bite the bullet
this comma is fine.
i'd rather see the first two words on the previous line, though
.
then they're fully committed
to the canvas they claim is the only conduit
to a door that goes past space and time
to a little travelled place at the back
*traveled
you could do a line-break after 'place'.
of the mind where you always have more
i'd move the first three words up to the previous line
than enough time to unwind there's nothing
*smack*
this line is a mess.
there's a new sentence started after unwind.
but absolutely no clue is given through punctuation, Cap, or line-break.

going slower than our own little lives
full stop at the end and Cap to begin the next.
bare minimum, use a comma to splice the sentences.

hell we don't even know that we're dying inside
piece by piece every day, until we're ashes
that fly through soft autumn winds down
i'd move the last word down to begin the next line.
Kensington drive, cause that's where true art
i'd break the last five words into their own line.
goes when it dies.
nice.


mostly, i'm being picky - injecting my own preferences.
but the two areas i was emphatic about
do need to be addressed.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Thank you both, I promise I will get to giving out many critiques tonight or tommorow, once I'm done an essay that's been keeping me busy the last few days. I will edit to reflect your suggestions as well.
#5
No need Darcy, I was returning one to you.

SYK, your critique really bothered me.

This is not a grammar forum. I think artistic freedom is always allowed to an extent when writing, and part of that freedom is the ability to not stick to grammar and punctuation as a written law. Wouldn't bother me if you actually thought it made the piece better but you ignored the content altogether and didn't refer to the piece itself at all.
This is not a pipe
#6
Quote by carmel_l
SYK, your critique really bothered me.

This is not a grammar forum. I think artistic freedom is always allowed to an extent when writing, and part of that freedom is the ability to not stick to grammar and punctuation as a written law. Wouldn't bother me if you actually thought it made the piece better but you ignored the content altogether and didn't refer to the piece itself at all.
Point taken.


Let me rephrase:

I loved the piece just as it sat, in terms of content. I personally, wouldn't change a single word.

the comment i made about grammatical use of the comma was a poor choice of words. even though it's use didn't follow standard grammatical usage, the real issue was what if does in terms of grouping and separating thoughts - affecting flow and the clarity of the read. i should have focused more on that.

And I agree on the concept of breaking conventional rules to establish style and freedom.

In this case (imho), it hurts the piece.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.