#1
Bit late, seeing as the new Autumn has arrived already, but this has been the only opportunity to post.

Autumn Suicides

The sound of dead leaves under my feet,
a reminder that coats must be
feathered heavy;
a sad fair well to June.
Button up and close in tight those
slight hands around your neck.
Firmly warm it and
softly strangle it for
now is the time to adorn your scarfs,
it keeps the cold, brittle air at bay.
Away with the summer skin
and in with the new wet blades,
now is the time to kill yourself.


Digitally Clean
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Bit late, seeing as the new Autumn has arrived already, but this has been the only opportunity to post.

Autumn Suicides

The sound of dead leaves under my feet,
a reminder that coats must be
feathered heavy;
a sad fair well is this supposed to be "farewell" or are you going for some wordplay?to June.
Button up and close in tight those
slight hands around your neck.
Firmly warm it and
softly strangle it for
now is the time to adorn your scarfs,
it keeps the cold, brittle air at bay.
Away with the summer skin
and in with the new wet blades,
now is the time to kill yourself.


Okay, I was originally planning to do a full crit thingy, but there's not a lot i can say. i think your main problem at the moment is that you ahve a lot of ncie imagery and words here, but the over all idea isn't very interesting. Your describing the oncoming of Autumn, but you do it as if your the weather reporter from the news. This isn't all that interesting, but it could very well be. Give it some life. Personify Autumn, maybe have it murder Summer, idk, you need to tie in that last line, the one about "now is the time to kill yourself". That didn't seem to fit in with the piece at all. But work the whole piece in that vein and it could be fantastic. I hope that helps. Either link in my sig, preferably top one if you want to return the favour.
#4
I thought it was great!
the headline fits just right to the lyrics,
the lyrics gives you a cold feeling of the end of the summer which is very melancholic but in a good sense, good job!
#5
Thanks.
I wanted to avoid all the typical writing techniques with this and just say - Autumn - Suicide. That's it. No deep story telling or interesting analogies, just the feeling that once those leaves have started falling, that's it, it's the end of the life for another person. Even for myself, personally. It's the way I feel when this season arrives.
The combination that I wanted to create was both to go against the grain, and also follow it.
The writing method is pretty standard really, but the simplistic theme and over-used imagery is totally contrary to what most people write these days. They did back years ago, but not anymore. Not to my knowledge.
If you understand what I'm talking about?

This is a style of bluntness, battling with confusion, which is what I like to do.

I understand everyone's comments, though, and I do appreciate them. I will try and return as quickly as I can.
#6
To be honest, I had to read your post several times to fully grasp what you're going for. I can understand you wanting to write a piece that explains the connection you have between autumn and suicide, but this piece didn't really make a whole lotta connections.

For one, you foocused waaaaay too much attention on warming up for the cold weather. I actually kinda enjoyed the "button up those slight hands around your neck", but you should have stopped it there, or maybe try associating a scarf with a noose or something. But a large portion was going to describing the weather itself, and I just didn't feel connected enough.

Here's what I think. I think that death (much less suicide) and autumn were two seperate entities. Lines 2-4 were strictly about weather. The last line was strictly about suicide. I think the two can be woven into the same image (such as the first line, how you say "dead" leaves, and the fifth/sixth lines). It doesn't have to be flashy or complex to connect the two. Part of the reason why the autumn scene feels like so much filler is that it's "deathly" aspects aren't really being emphasised. "Summer skin" and "new wet blades" were hardly the things you want to bring to the fore if you want to associate suicide with autumn. The piece could have alot more of those connections than what it has now. I DO think that the concept is worth the work, but it's a very delicate concept that needs to be done perfectly.
#7
Wow... I don't know if you're a weatherman or an emo...
Or both.. ( Hell, do NOT collide )
I don't know... I find this whole thing just really lame and boring..
There's really no point to it, and it's kinda dumb.
Personally, I think the cold is great, and only babies wear scarves...
And uh... Jeese, just really try harder to find a more appealling topic..

( No offense intended. I'm only stating an opinion )
#9
While the descriptions were good in painting a seasonal picture I have to agree with some of the comments that the theme you were going for (in the title and last line) is far from being expressed throughout the piece. The use of "new" in the line before last even comes off as positive and makes this piece very... schizophrenic and incoherent.

I get the feeling you had a title in mind and tried to force a piece around it but what came out didn't quite fit, so you had to put a very obvious and blunt line at the end to make it all connect.

I used to do it a lot, have an idea for a piece and force it the whole way through, but at some point I realised that the most natural and organic way is to yes, start with an idea, but let the piece dictate what it is, not your initial thought/idea. Some of my best pieces came out very different than what they were suppose to be.

I'm ranting by now, but I hope you get what I'm saying. It's written quite well, just didn't really decide what it is. Help it.
This is not a pipe
#10
Thanks for that, Carmel.

I see where people are coming from now - you cleared it all up.

I think people are missing the main idea though: I love to write in a very haphazard way; it allows you to breath in any way that you desire. For everyone else reading, it can be uncomfortable and pointless, but I'm not writing for other people, I just love to here what they think on it.

You are mostly correct. The title actually came later on, when usually I would write from the title onwards. I just wanted to write about the relation of suicide and Autumn, how confusing it makes me feel. I wanted to create a battle between the beauty of Autumn and the horrific mindsets of suicidal people, particularly during that season.
I totally see where you derived your ideas from, though.
#11
Autumn Suicides

The sound of dead leaves under my feet,
seems like a good place for a bit of description to me. Wet leaves make an interesting sound and feel odd.
a reminder that coats must be
feathered heavy;
a sad fair well to June.
Button up and close in tight those
slight hands around your neck.
Firmly warm it and
softly strangle it for
now is the time to adorn your scarfs,
adorn seems a little odd
it keeps the cold, brittle air at bay.
meh
Away with the summer skin
and in with the new wet blades,
now is the time to kill yourself.

meh, this is kind of a shit crit but you didn't really strike me with anything. i've read stuff by you i really liked, this was just a bit dull.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish